I Have A Superpower And It's NOT Eating Me Alive

So, the rage has faded into a mostly manageable “frustratiance” (In case you’re wondering, that’s frustration and annoyance all in one word. Because sometimes? English doesn’t have enough words to convey emotions. This is usually when I swear and/or utter a stream of incomprehensible vowels.) I still cannot talk about it (and by “can’t” I mostly mean “won’t” but also a little bit of “can’t”). But I need to express something or I will go crazy. So instead of a bout of rage writing or a series of increasingly ridiculously captioned pictures of my sister’s cat, I’m going to talk about Conflict Resolution.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..

No, stay with me. This is not going to be like those awful staff meetings where you’re gathered in a large conference room with a strangely weary andatthesametime over-enthusiastic group trainer from corporate who gives you index cards with situations on them and asks you to role play. No, Nothing like that. You don’t even have to participate. Because I’m not going to ask you to brainstorm ideas on how to resolve conflict or to tell me “a time when…” story. Nope. You’re just going to sit there and listen to my fool proof method of Conflict Resolution. It’s actually very simple. Are you ready?

I’m a Superhero.

My superpower, you ask? Conflict Avoidance.

No, I don’t mean that I dodge and weave and use my super-awesome interpersonal skills so that I never encounter conflict. No, my life is actually pretty conflict filled. I mean I AVOID conflict.

It’s pretty simple, actually. I just pretend it’s not happening. I make a conscious effort not to think about it. I hide from the people who are mad at me. I wait until they step out for lunch to put something on their desk for them. I go home and gorge myself on food and TV so that I don’t have to think about it. And above all, I sleep. If I’m sleeping, you can’t be conflicting with me. If I’m sleeping, I can’t be doing another innocuous thing that will eventually piss you off so much you have to yell at me and make me cry.

I’m telling you, I’m a Superhero. Except for the whole being heroic part. And also the whole cape & tights wearing part. But still, it’s got to be a superpower, my ability to avoid conflict. Because I’m amazing at it. I can avoid the conflict in my life like nobody’s business.

But the kryptonite to my super-awesome superpower? Those moments when I’ve shut off my bedside lamp and put down the book, but before I’ve actually fallen asleep. The time when I let my mind range out and find whatever is going to be the most relaxing topic in order to find sleep. Those moments are my kryptonite.

Because those moments are when all of the conflict comes rushing back into my thoughts. When all the avoiding cannot be avoided anymore. And the arguments and stress and desperate need to GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION take over and I begin to have imaginary conversations (read: fights) with the conflicty people in my life until I am so wound up that sleeping is the very last thing I will ever do ever again.

But that’s okay. Because with my conflict level at chartreuse (who even knows the levels anymore, right?), I am not getting much sleep. Because I am not only avoiding conflict, but I am now also avoiding those moments before sleep. I’m a great avoider, you see. It’s my superpower, remember? Geez! Stay with me.

I overschedule. I read. I start movies at 10:00 pm. I play on my iPhone. I stay up late with Sister talking about Lord knows what. I write short stories. Anything to keep my mind off of the conflict. And anything to make me so desperately tired that I fall asleep instantly before I even remember to turn off the lamp. And it works. Bedtimes have stretched from 10:30 pm to past midnight, even on to 1:00 am, but that’s okay. Because I have a SUPERPOWER!

By the way, this superpower has absolutely no negative side-effects. It does not result in weight gain, paranoia, exhaustion, ulcers, mood swings, desperation, or inability to function in social settings. Whoever told you that was lying. It’s propaganda. Stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly (Which, incidentally, in one of my avoidance strategies. Socially awkward, sure. But effective…)

So, who needs those corporate seminars? In less time and without role playing, I have given you a fool-proof method of Conflict Resolution. Okay, so this method may not bring about resolution, per se. And you’re going to have to find and get bitten by the same radioactive spider that gave me my superpower. But if you can do that (and it’s not that hard, really…), you too can become a Conflict Avoider.

Now, here comes the discussion portion of our workshop. Wait, didn’t I say this wasn’t a workshop? That’s right. So, you don’t have to participate. Plus, we all know that my way is best. It’s a superpower, after all, so no can argue with it. But if you want to, I guess you can tell me in the comments about your method of Conflict Resolution. For all those people who can’t find that spider… Just in case.