A Letter to My Future Husband, Who Is Late

Dear Future Husband,

We haven’t met yet. I’m not sure why, but we haven’t. Or if we have, I missed it, so we’ll need to do it again. And I don’t know where you are or why you’re not here exactly, but we need to talk. Because… I need you in my life. I don’t know if you can miss someone you’ve never met, but I know that you’re missing from my life. And that sucks. And it’s your fault. I know I’ve probably not put myself out there enough and I’m really shy when I meet men, which makes it hard to get anywhere in a relationship. But I’m still blaming you (get used to it; it’s going to happen a lot…).

The basic fact is this: I’m ready to be married. Sure, there are things I’ll need to learn along the way (things that I can probably only learn by doing, anyway), but I really think I’m ready. Which means it must be you who’s not ready. I’ve always prayed for the Lord to send me a man, not a boy. So you must be off somewhere, acting like a boy. Stop it. Seriously—shut off the Xbox, put some pants on, and get a job. And then come find me. Thanks.

You’ll be glad you did, because I’m a pretty awesome girl. I have my flaws (And if I get started listing them, I could talk for quite a while. But that’s not sexy or interesting, so I won’t go there. You’re supposed to love me regardless, remember?). But what girl isn’t flawed? I bet you’ve got quirks, too. And I’ll either love you for them or get used to them. So instead of focusing on flaws (like how late you are), I’m going to tell you how amazing I am and why it would be good for you to marry me. Because I’m self-less and giving like that. Or something.

Anyway, just some of the reasons you want to marry me:

1. I love Jesus. I know you do, too. I think you’ll agree it’ll be a much easier marriage if we believe the same things. And I’ll do my best to live like Jesus, which means I’m not going to be mean to you or cheat on you or otherwise make your life more difficult. And I’ll help you raise our kids to love Jesus, which means we’re less likely to have to stage drug interventions for our 22-year-old son or take in our grandchildren when we’re only 37. No guarantees or anything, because sometimes crap happens. But I think that me loving Jesus will make your life better.
2. I make awesome foccacia bread. One bite of this bread and I think you’ll agree that you need to spend the rest of your life with me so I can make it for you all the time. Plus, I’m a pretty good cook all around. I’ve stopped lighting food on fire and I’ve only once served raw chicken at a dinner party. And that was years ago. I make ridiculously amazing cookies (Okay, so it’s Sister-In-Law’s recipe and who can’t follow a recipe? But still…). And I know how to grill and I make my own soup sometimes. So, to sum up: you’ll be well fed. And what man doesn’t want that?
3. It would be really nice to have a second income, so that if one of us needs to quit our job or one of us ends up getting fired by a crazy, misogynistic, grumpy, unreasonable, irrational megalomaniac (ahem… not that this is a realistic scenario… at all…), then the other one’s job can keep us afloat for a few months. Right now, we’re both alone, so if one of us loses our job, we’re screwed. Plus, we’re both spending money on rent and food and other things that would be cheaper if we were together. And I don’t require expensive gifts or spend much money on myself. This is not to say that I’m cheap (because I’m priceless and don’t you forget it!), but I am inexpensive. Which is not the same thing. I don’t think. Anyways, marrying me would save you money.
4. That whole sex thing. I’d like to try it out. I’ve heard it’s fun. But since I’ve made a promise to wait until I’m married and I have no intention of breaking it (which you totally get, because you’re that kind of man), I kind of need you to show up and marry me. I think the benefits to you are self-explanatory on this one.
5. I’m great with children. And I want a lot of them. Now, some men would find this daunting, but since you’re the kind of man who would shut off a video game, put pants on, and get a job for me, I know you’ll also be the kind of guy who wants a family and will be a great dad. And I’m willing to give you all the kids you want. Not only are kids hilarious and a joy to have in your life (most days), but they also have this knack for living longer than their parents, which means we’ll have someone to take care of us when we’re old. So if you marry me, you’ve got a built in retirement plan.
6. I give great foot massages. And even though I can talk a lot (especially when I’m nervous or really excited about something), I’m totally cool with comfortable silence. Which means that I can be a pretty relaxing person to be with. I have pretty simple desires for my day, like staying home with a good book or cuddling on the couch with a movie. I won’t demand that we go out and do stuff with other people (but we can if you want), so if you have a stressful day at the office, you can just come home to me and I’ll take good care of you. This may include feeding you even when you’re not hungry, but, all in all, I think this is a good deal for you.
7. My family rocks! We may get loud and chaotic sometimes, but we’re not dysfunctional or chock-full of drama, so we’re a fun bunch to hang out with. Which means that if your family lives far away, is small, or is actually dysfunctional, you’ll have a second family right away. You’ll have to learn to like the loudness and the chaos or become loud and chaotic with us, but really the blessing outweighs the responsibility.
8. I can write with my toes. So if we’re ever caught in a hostage situation in which our hands are tied and writing a note will save us, I’ve totally got us covered. In my opinion, this is a skill that more men should be looking for in a wife. But most don’t. Which means you’ve found something rare and you should hold on to it.

All I demand in exchange for these amazing benefits (and the many more I didn’t list), is that you show up soon and love me forever. Really, that’s not too much to ask, is it? No, I didn’t think so. Remember: End video game, find pants, get job, show up, love me forever. I’ll be here, waiting, like I have been for more than two decades. Your move.

Love,

Your Future Wife, Elise