Nickers is a Family Name and He'd Prefer It If You Didn't Mock

Things have gotten...worse at work. I won't go into much detail, partially because it's so petty and boring and stupid and awful. But also partially because I have no small amount of guilt for the way I blogged about the people at my last terrible job (truthfully, but ruthlessly). Suffice it to say, things are at an all time bad.

So while I was sitting through a staff meeting that was about 75% subtextually about me and the problems I have caused by asking my pesky questions about truth and transparency and accountability, I needed a coping mechanism to keep a benign smile on my face so that Boss would know she wasn't getting to  me. There are whole layers of issues in that sentence, but there it is.

When you're in a stressful situation, people often (in movies and on TV, my only real points of reference in life) suggest going to your "happy place." I don't really have one of those. Usually, I find such exercises silly and uncomfortable. I'm, uh, on a beach? And there's sand? And waves? And Matthew Fox is there asking about The Others. Except now he's Michael J. Fox and he's asking for money and this just turned into a weird dream where none of the doors lead to the rooms they are supposed to and now we're in my-high-school-that-isn't-actually-my-high-school and I haven't gone to any classes all year and today is every final exam and THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING?

But I thought I'd give it another try. Just arrange my face into something resembling attentive dispassion and go somewhere else for a while. I chose to imagine myself on horseback, moving languidly down a tree-lined path on a sunny, breezy day in late summer. Every time someone said something stupid, I chose instead to hear the clip-clop of hooves on gravel and the gentle snorts of the horse beneath me. Every time I felt Boss's assessing gaze on me, I instead felt the gentle breeze and warm sun on my back. Every time we were randomly and non-contextually reminded of a policy that Boss thinks I broke but that I did not actually break, I imagined picking up the reins and coaxing the horse into a gallop to a faraway place. When Boss asked if anyone wanted to institute a trial period of having lunch breaks and the staff was inexplicably and unpardonably uninterested, I was having a solo picnic on the banks of a lazy creek while my horse, Mr. Nickers, grazed in a nearby meadow.

Rereading that paragraph, I kind of sound insane. Possibly, I am a little insane. But Mr. Nickers and I had a fabulous staff meeting and have decided the budget should include more sugar cubes and paid time off for naps in the hayloft. There was no one there to take meeting minutes, but I find that doesn't make it any less official.

Struggle

It's been a long time since I posted much of anything here, but it's definitely been awhile since I updated anything about my life in general. Life is really hard right now. I'm learning to count my blessings and focus on the good things and to struggle well. But life is pretty tough right now.

I'm looking for a new job. Again. I don't know why I've been walking in circles since I graduated college or why I need to experience same frustrations in every job I take, but apparently there's some lesson the be learned here. I really hope I learn it soon.

This job has been difficult form the start and just keeps getting harder. I hesitate to say anything too specific here because the last time I wrote about a boss, he read it and I feel quite a bit of shame for how it must have hurt him. It was the truth, but it was also angry and bitter and unkindly put. So, if there's one lesson I've learned, it's to be kinder on this blog. And the kindest way to put this is that I am not a good fit for this ministry and this ministry is not a good fit for me. There are many things that could change and would make my life a lot easier and make this place much more pleasant, but there is little chance of that happening right now, so I'm looking for a new place to be.

Job hunting is awful. It just is. I don't know of anyone who has enjoyed this process. I have been on three in-person interviews and countless phone interviews. I have been assessed and judged and found wanting again and again. Many people never even contact me again, which is disheartening and rude. Note to Hiring Managers: if we've had a face-to-face conversation, it's not too much to ask for an email or a phone call saying "No, thank you." Also, if you elect not to hire me and say some pretty tough things in the rejection, perhaps you should not, in the same paragraph, ask me to like you on Facebook. Just a thought.

Anyway, here's a snapshot: I went on an interview this last Friday that was...a frustrating waste of time. The job was a technical editor position for a microchip manufacturing firm. Now, obviously, this is a highly specialized and technical place and describing what they do might bore certain people. But when the guy in charge of MARKETING the firm sounds bored when explaining the job to me, that's not a good sign. Also the online job description and the job described at the interview were significantly different from one another and my resume no longer fit what they were looking for. The whole time, the interviewer and the HR person acted like they had no idea why I was there. YOU called ME, people.

As I was leaving this disappointing meeting, I discovered my first grey hair. If you'd asked me before that day what I thought about grey hair, I would have shrugged and said something about natural aging is beautiful and I should own it and maybe worrying about it is a little vain (but not in a judgey way). Instead, I burst into tears. I don't actually care about my hair. I'm blond enough that it wasn't really obvious and it will be a long while before the grey outnumber the blond and becomes noticeable. It was the juxtaposition of feeling very lonely and wondering if I was ever going to meet someone one and feeling ridiculously self-conscious about the fact that I'm 27 and I've never been kissed AND grey hair that made it so difficult. So, first grey hair before first kiss. That felt good.

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty down lately. Work is hard, hour by hour. There is less and less freedom in my workplace and more and more frustration. My favorite coworker resigned last week to go have her baby, which is fraught with many layers of sadness for me. I go home to an empty one bedroom apartment I can barely afford. And no one seems to want to hire me.

I don't have an ending for this post that is hopeful. I don't have it in me today. This is where I am, learning to struggle well. I'm frequently asking myself the question "If this is all there is, is God enough?" And if I'm being really honest, right now the answer is "not really." I'm getting there. I want Him to be enough. But today, I'm feeling pretty discontented. I want to believe this will get better, but there are no guarantees in life. This life I'm living is by no means awful. It's just less than I thought I would have. Which is, admittedly, a very entitled way of looking at the world. Again, there are no guarantees in this life, so I wasn't even promised this much. On my better days, I'm grateful for even this much. I'm trying to make today one of those days.

Fragile Adulting

I wrote that post the other day about wanting to make some changes. And then I did nothing differently for about two weeks. Finally, last Monday, I told my Community Group that I really need some help getting healthy. I need the accountability that I used to get a WW meetings. And it was like a switch flipped. None of them have yet "held me accountable," since tonight is the first time I'll see them since I asked. But just knowing they can and will ask me has given me the last little nudge I needed to get moving.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to get mentally engaged with this kind of thing. I know people who set goals or make plans and then they just...do them. They...do the work. My brain doesn't work like that. I so dearly wish it did. It's funny, because I totally did that with school: "I'm going to take this class and get this grade and learn this thing to get into this class to get into a good college and yada yada yada." And I did and it was simple. Note I did not use the word "easy." But apparently, without the structure of school with measurable goals and quantifiable achievements, I just kind of flail around hopelessly.

Which is all very silly, because some of my goals are VERY quantifiable and measurable. I want to lose 100 pounds in the next 12-18 months. Quantifiable. Measurable. But not simple and definitely not easy. To do that, I have to get so many other things in place and in motion. But I've made some simple and some not-so-simple changes that I hope will help create the kind of environment where I can achieve some of my goals. It's all very new (less than one week, you'll remember) and fragile, but it's working so far and it all feels very adultish.

Elise's "Get Off Your Butt and DO Things" Lifestyle Change of Goals and Chicken (a lot of chicken)

1. Bedtime is 9:30 pm
• I've done this in the past and never stuck to it longer than a night or two, but getting up early to exercise has me tired enough to stick to it. So far, going strong.
2. Respect the alarm clock - only one snooze allowed 
• I'm a chronic snoozer. It's gotten pretty bad recently, bot the other day, I realized that I wasn't feeling any more rested with 40 or so more minutes of very interrupted sleep. So I'm only allowing myself one snooze. Then I'm up no matter what. 
3. Out of bed by 6:00 am
• I need to be to work at 8:00 am. The drive is about 10 minutes. This alarm gives me time for a 30-ish minute walk, a shower, breakfast, lunch and/or dinner prep, quiet time, and getting ready for work. When I type it all out like that, it looks exhausting and busy, but it's pretty relaxed. I've never thought of myself as a morning person (I don't hate morning, but I'm really more of a night owl), but this helps me get my mind and heart ready for what is likely to be a ridiculous/annoying/frustrating day at work.
4. Walk 1.5-2.5 miles a day
• I use an app called MapMyWalk. I've designed several routes around my neighborhood (varying-length loops). In the morning, I pick one and go. I'm challenging myself to go farther and faster every day, but I'm limited to 30-40 minutes. I start out in mostly dark, but it's almost always light by the time I get home. I had a plan for 20 miles in April, but then I sat on my butt for two weeks. I'm at 11.8, so it's unlikely. 
5. Quiet time
• My church is collectively reading through the New Testament, 12 verses at a time. There's an email with the scripture and a short devotional. I write some thoughts in a journal and pray a little. Honestly, this is something I have struggled to do my entire life. I just don't make time to read scripture like I should and I have about a MILLION journals that are blank after the first few pages. I do this first thing after my shower while eating breakfast. So far, this is working for me. I think this is making the most difference in how I deal with work shenanigans. 
6. TV is for nights and weekends only - none after 9:00 pm
• For me, this is the lynch pin. I had no idea how much time I was spending watching Internet TV. I realized it was a huge problem when I would turn on an episode of something while getting ready and would stay to finish it even if it made me a few minutes late for work. Now that I've banished TV to evenings and weekends, I have a lot more time. And I'm spending less of that time on my couch. Also, I've made sure my last episode ends before 9:00 pm. I use any time left over for reading, which was severely lacking in my life--I had no idea how much I missed.
7. Meal plan - always have a plan for lunch
• This one is two-fold: Budgetary and dietary. I eat the same breakfast every day; I have for over six months.So all of my bad food choices were coming at lunchtime. Always having a plan for lunch is the first step in making WW work for me. I've also been pretty ravenous lately (even before adding activity to my life), so I decided sandwiches and salads are not enough. Now I have a dinner plan every night that serves two--one for dinner and one for lunch the next day. I made the plan on Saturday and shopped for only what I would need for this week. My bill was much smaller than usual. Hopefully, I'll throw away a whole lot less food with this strategy. This also involves a lot of boneless, skinless chicken breast because it is cheap and low calorie. I am a not-so-inventive Disguiser of Chicken.

Honestly, so much of this looks like...responsible adulthood. Maybe these things have never been an issue for you, and it looks a little silly that I had to make these rules and list them out like this. For me, these changes are huge! Deep in my core, I am a very lazy, apathetic, gluttonous person. That sounds so ugly and down-on-myself, but hear me as I intend: without thoughtful intervention or dire, immediate consequences, I will almost always chose the thing that is worst for me, take too much of it, and let life just happen to me. That is my natural bent, but it's not who God created me to be and it is not who I want to be. So here's how I'm thoughtfully intervening. 

How Does One Sneeze at 25 Pounds?

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that work is a little crazy right now. More than a little crazy. Stabby, Ragey, and Resentful, to name a few of the lesser-known dwarves (spell check is telling me "dwarfs" is the correct term here and I'm just not sure I can live in a world where that's true). Hard to believe though it may be, I have once again found myself in an untenable boss/employee relationship, and at this point it's basically an Internet meme. But lamer and without cats. That's not even what this post is about.

Since 40 hours or more of my week are so frustrating and sideways, I've been allowing the rest of my life to get frustrating and sideways, too. I haven't been eating well, which means weight gain and spending too much money eating out. I haven't been resting well (intentionally taking time to do things that fill me up like reading my Bible, going for walks, or a dozen other beneficial things) and have instead been allowing myself to get mindlessly television-drunk to avoid dealing with my emotions. I've been skipping out on my Tuesday night church thing because I just don't want to do anything after another awful day at work. Recently, I've even been skipping church on Sunday, using my Christianese excuse of "sabbathing" which basically just means I wanted to sleep in, and I've experienced a noticeable decline in my attitude, perspective, and ability to deal with the misbehavior of others. Huh, stop spending time worshiping the One who gives me grace and I am suddenly unable to extend grace to others. Weird...

Anyway, I've had enough. I refuse to let this one area of my life infect the others. And I refuse to let another boss or job have this much power over me. It's going to take more energy and more deliberate planning, but I need to take control where I can find it and start living life on my own terms. Oh, good Lord, I sound like a cheesy self-help book. Next thing you know, I'm going to be talking about pampering my inner goddess and waking up to the existential power of the glowing temple of the pool of inner light within my subconscious MIND or something. Geez. Mostly, I just want to stop feeling like I hate everything.

So. I'm back at WeightWatchers. I know, same song, different verse. But so far, it's the only thing I've tried that has given me any kind of success. As you might remember, I was posting regularish updates last summer about my weight loss. Then this day happened, and I just kind of fell off the wagon. I have lots of excuses, most of which bear the names of national holidays at which we eat copious amounts of food, but it doesn't really matter. One of the major reasons I picked up and moved across the country was that I needed to change some patterns in my life (huh, another song on repeat), including my weight. Now here it is, over a year later, and I'm about 25 pounds lighter than when I got here. Twenty-five pounds is nothing to sneeze at, to be sure, but it's far from my goal. I have almost 100 pounds to lose yet, so a few weeks ago, I restarted tracking my food. I'm still not going to meetings, because that leader kind of ruined it for me for now. But if you look at the proverbial weight loss wagon, you'll see me, uh...teetering on the back edge. But I'm IN and that's what counts for now.

I don't know that I'll be posting weekly updates or not. You all saw how well I maintained that last time. Plus, who really cares? I mean, *I* do, obviously. And I'm sure that some or most of you are kind and compassionate human beings who are happy to cheer someone on as they do something good for themselves. But who really wants to read the statistics of my scale every week? Probably no one but me, and that's perfectly fine. I lost about 5 pounds in the first week (no expectations of continuing at that pace, but it was a nice surprise on Friday morning), so it's going well so far. I also have a goal to walk 20 miles in April. I'm at about 4 so far, so we'll see. But I wrote it in the bullet journal, so it's bound to happen.

And Then We Shall Make Our Awkward Escape

It's my six month "anniversary" at work today, so I am now eligible for sick days. Hooray for the common cold! Only six more months until I earn vacation days, which I think I'm going to use to go to Hawaii with Roommate. After six months, I'm still incredibly grateful for the paycheck, but am still pretty ambivalent about the job itself. Some days, I kind of hate it and want to run away. Some days, I love the work and can see a future here. Most days, I just show up, do my best, and pray that God directs my steps. 

The following is an IM exchange between me and one of my coworkers, right after we had a discussion about our boss occasionally sometimes being somewhat of a...damp...blanket about our fun, which she has very right to be. This conversation is one of the reasons I'm loving my job today, despite it easily being a day that I would want to run away from. Also, it's another piece of evidence in the long campaign to prove that I am not entirely normal. It's like I'm playing a game of Non Sequiturs, except I SWEAR all these things relate.

COWORKER: By the way, my new desk is facing directly towards the dumpster outside that says "Kill Joy" in graffiti. I'm not a fan of this.

ME: Ha!

Sucker of Joy

COWORKER: I have a sneaking suspicion of who may have painted the dumpster.

ME: Haaaaaaaa!

COWORKER: I want to run away Forest Gump style. Like just take off and see how far I can get. But I don't run very fast so probably not a good plan.

ME: I am also slow of foot

COWORKER: :'(

ME: We need a better plan

A getaway car

OR camel

COWORKER: I think camels are also slow.

ME: I don't know. The Middle East has done pretty well with them

COWORKER: I want a donkey.

ME: Plus, who's going to try to catch us when we're on a camel? They're going to give that thing a wide berth.

They spit, you know.

You can have a donkey. I think I'm sticking with a camel.

We'd make an interesting pair, fleeing into the night on our odd quadrupeds.

COWORKER: Tell A to have her husband come with two camels and a donkey. And two eligible bachelors.

ME: Done.

Where are we going to go?

Just pick a direction and gallop?

Or do we have a destination in mind?

COWORKER: Anywhere but the kill joy area.

ME: Tahiti?

Can donkeys swim?

Or do they get seasick? Because we COULD take a boat.

COWORKER: I don't know about donkeys, but I can't. I quit swim class when I was 6.

ME: Boat it is. And LOTS of life preservers

For you AND the donkey

COWORKER: Yesss!

ME: I am all about ass safety

COWORKER: Lol! Me, too. I protect mine at all costs.

ME: I always make sure mine is covered

COWORKER: Pretty much. I really do want to ride a donkey someday, though. And a side car. I've always wanted to ride in a side car.

ME: I just had an image of a donkey WITH a sidecar

And now I'm imagining a drunk donkey.

My brain is a scary place to be.

Bright Sides

Sometimes, my job drives me crazy. Sometimes, my coworkers and/or my boss drive me crazy. Sometimes, the mere act of getting out of bed to go to work drives me crazy. Today is not necessarily one of those times, but maybe if I make this list on a good day, I can use it for those other days when I can't see past my tiny, ineffectual, hamster-doing-a-t-rex-impression RAGEARMS.

(Some) Reasons Why I love My Job, In No Particular Order:

1. My coworker EJ is the BEST. She mentors me, she speaks truth into me, she prays for me, and she makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I love her very much and this job would not be the same without her.
2. My coworker A is so gentle and sweet and kind and supportive. She helps me see the good in all the other people who make me crazy without making me feel guilty that they do indeed make me crazy. She and I are in this together and I appreciate that so much.
3. I get to make a difference, if only in a very small way. This is not just punching a clock.This work is meaningful and I believe in it and I am honored to get to be a part of it.
4. I have my own office and a lot of leeway to do what I want with it. I've never had this before and it's just plain wonderful. I bought a red clock and a desk lamp and a picture frame and rearranged all the furniture. Maybe I'll get a plant next.
5. I have windows in my office. With daylight. This is better than I ever imagined.
6. This job gives me a paycheck. I could say a million things about the size of the paycheck (or lack of size) or the benefits inherent in the paycheck (or lack of benefits), but it's an income. After going so long without one, I am incredibly grateful for this.
7. I have flexible hours, meaning that I don't work most Fridays. And when my folks came to visit and I had no vacation accrued, I was allowed to accrue comp time before they came to pull off half-days while they were here.
8. I get two weeks paid vacation at Christmas. In addition to the two weeks regular vacation I get per year. This is UNHEARD of. Combine that with my parents' air miles and I get to go home to Far North for Christmas for practically no cost.
9. This job is challenging. I am using a skill set that I've never used in a professional setting before and it is stretching me. I don't always have the answer and that's new for me. And I kind of love it.
10. I have health insurance. And the premium is entirely paid by my employer. Even if the coverage is crap (I think it's decent), this is excellent. I no longer fear that my appendix is going to rupture violently and I'll live the rest of my life in enormous medical debt. Now to go get my flu shot...
11. We're donor-supported, which is usually a pain in the ass, but every once in a while, I get to see staggering examples of human generosity. That's pretty cool.
12. I have the ability to work from home when I want/need. This is very helpful and totally saved my butt a few weeks ago when I was ill, but needed the hours. Yay, working in pajamas!
13. I don't have to job hunt. Seriously, one of the best parts of HAVING a job is that I no longer have to LOOK for a job or INTERVIEW for a job. I think this may be my favorite part of having a job.
14. It gives me a purpose for my days, an avenue for my talents, and a hope for my future. There's not much more I can ask for.

I could totally make a longer list of things I HATE about my job, but a) no one wants to read that and b) that's not really helpful to me in keeping this job or being happy about having it. And there are probably many more things I could add to this list (and I might, if I think of them), but this is what's in my head now. And seriously, you guys? EJ is about the wisest and funniest person I've ever met and she's working at this location today (she's usually across town). She makes me want to write list after list like this one.

Do you have an EJ in your life? Or a list of positives you need to focus on? Tell me in the comments and we'll all help each other look on the bright side today.

Weigh In: Weeks 12 & 13 and BONUS! Life Update

Apparently, I don't blog on Fridays, even when I have a weekly reason to do so. I'm trying to avoid apologizing for not blogging, but I would like to give some reasons for it, at least as it pertains to the most recent Friday I experienced. But first, to the stats!

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 297.0 lbs
Week's Change: +0.6 lbs
Total Loss: -15.0 lbs

And THAT is the reason I didn't post two Fridays ago. Because it is just too damn disheartening to write an entire post about GAINING weight for TWO WEEKS in a row, even if the gain is a measly half a pound. So I thought I would wait until the next week when I would have better news and write them both at the same time (as if becoming the pattern anyway). And then I began to fret about another gain and how desperately sad I would be to have to write an entire post about gaining weight for THREE weeks in a row without even a small loss to buffer the woe. 

But I also decided to make some changes. Because even though I was doing everything right, I was gaining, so I must have been doing SOMETHING wrong. I went to my leader, since, you know, this is EXACTLY why she's there and she suggested that I "eat more protein" and avoid sodium ("Campbell's soup isn't really good for you..." in a helpfully condescending tone). Then she helpfully illustrated that "some calories are better than others" and I had flashbacks to 9th Grade English and Animal Farm. Because, FINE, maybe some calories will keep you full longer and some add very little nutritive value to your diet. 100 calories of cake versus 100 calories of lean protein are going to give you different benefits. BUT! For the purposes of weight loss, in a program ENTIRELY BASED on the idea that weight loss is simple mat: calories IN - calories OUT = change in weight. Basically, I call bullshit. (Sorry for the swearing, Mom, but sometimes I just have to)

ANYway, her advice was obviously supremely unhelpful, but I still decided to up my game. I hadn't been going to bed at a reasonable time and I was kind of phoning it in with my packed lunches because I was so tired in the morning. I was still completely on plan and doing it right, but I was getting bored AND it didn't seem to be working. I made a schedule and a meal plan. I was going to get up at 5:00 am on Mondays and Wednesdays to go to the gym, since I'm paying for the membership and not using it. I was also going to go after my WW meetings on Fridays. And I did that Friday. That Sunday, I made these Egg Muffins I found through Miriel's blog so that I would have fast protein in the morning. I set an alarm on my phone reminding me to go to bed at a reasonable hour to get up for a workout. I sorted all of my snacks into individual containers with points labels (which I had been avoiding because it's a little bit of a time thing and I was lazy). On Monday, I was at the gym by 5:25. And then my week kind of went to hell.

I won't go into all the gory details, but my job has been tough for a while (read: since my first day) because the expectations expressed in my interview and my offer letter are rather different from the actual expectations of my position. So  I spent the majority of Monday and Tuesday doing someone else's job under the guise of cross-training and it was...tough. So Wednesday, I did not get up and work out. On Thursday, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and thought, "My hair's not that bad..." So I didn't even shower. That's the level of interest I had in my week. "But," I told myself, "You will take your gym bag with you to work and go to the gym on your way home on Thursday." Then a somewhat-giant-but-I-hesitate-to-actually-call-it-giant crisis happened at work at about 4:30 pm on Thursday and I did not leave the office until 10:00 pm.

So that was my week. BUT! Praise Jesus for these next stats:

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 292.6 lbs
Week's Change: -4.4 lbs
Total Loss: -19.4 lbs

So that helped make up for that. I wanted (actually wanted, I know, what is wrong with me?) to go to the gym on Friday, but I was running out of time to get my license switched from Far North to Texas, so I got my exercise by frustratedly jiggling my leg while sitting in an uncomfortable chair for two and a half hours at a Driver's License Office. In related news, I am now officially a Texan. I also now have a library card and will soon have a local bank account. I spent the rest of the day reading books and finishing the eighth season of How I Met your Mother.

That paragraph is probably not what most of you would call a BONUS! Sorry. That's all I've got.

Weigh-In: Week 8

This week went relatively well. On Father's day, we went out to hibachi and I tried sushi for the first time. It was...okay. It didn't kill me. I didn't hate it. Some of it even tasted...good. But the texture and the idea of raw seafood (I'm not very much into cooked seafood) still put me off and I probably won't seek it out any time soon. [OH! And there's a whole hibachi story involving polygamy that I need to tell in my next post, but this one's about my weight loss so you're just going to have to wait and wonder for a little while. Sorry. It's pretty good though, so you should stick around.] There was also an unexpected (by which I mean that I forgot about the plan, not that there wasn't a plan) cook out at a friend's house on Monday, where I may or may not have eaten some pie. Two slices of pie. Large slices of pie. On top of the hot dogs and bean dip and chips and "salad" that mainly consisted of carbs and cool whip. But I skipped the vanilla-ice-cream-on-the-side of said pie, so I did well, right? Otherwise, it was a pretty typical week.

While I am sure that a litany of what I ate and the guilt level associated with each bite is no doubt FASCINATING to you all, why don't we just skip to the stats:

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 298.6 lbs
Week's Change: -4.2 lbs
Total Loss: -13.4 lbs

SO! That's far more exciting than last week, right? First of all, I truly believe the scale at my meeting was calibrated incorrectly, because I weighed in at home throughout the weeks and was consistently lower than anything WW had said. Also, a 4.2 pound loss in a week, while not impossible, seems unlikely.

Secondly, I am now UNDER 300 pounds. While that was not necessarily a stated goal with a date attached, it was kind of mathematically implied by the fact that my first goal is to be 16 pounds lighter than 312. Anyway, I'm really excited to be below that threshold once more and I NEVER plan to go back. I said that last time I dropped below 300, but I really mean it this time.

Lastly, I am back on track to hit my 5% goal by July 5th. That's the new goal to adjust for the meeting day change. And I know I said in my last post that I was too lazy to rewrite them, but I'm feeling energized by my success so I'm doing it now. I have this suspicion that none of you really care what the dates are or whether I write them out or not, but I'm invoking the "I write what I want" rule of blogging. As if I don't so that every time I open a new post. And like you don't invoke the "I read what I want" rule of blog reading no matter what I do. Whatever. I'm getting off track.

My goals (now adjusted for Fridays and other considerations):

• 07/05/13: 16 lbs lost (5% of starting weight)
• 08/09/13: 25 lbs lost
• 08/30/13: 31 lbs lost (10% of starting weight)
• 11/15/13: 50 lbs lost 
• 12/20/13: 62 lbs lost (20% of starting weight) -- added because November through February is a long time without a goal
• 02/07/14: 75 lbs lost 
• 04/11/14: 93 lbs lost (30% of my starting weight) -- added because once you start counting tenths, you keep counting, I guess
• 05/02/14: 100 lbs lost (1 year from start) -- this one may be off by a week, but I like symmetry
• 06/27/14: 113 lbs lost (under 200 lbs)
• 09/03/14: 128 lbs lost (ultimate goal)

I also looked at the list I made originally to help me accomplish these goals and it made me smile when I remembered that I had put "get a job" on there and that I actually did! Some days, even in the midst of getting up and going to work every morning, I'm still struck by the fact that I have a job. Not a temp thing that will be over in a few weeks, not just something I'm doing to while away the time. I have an actual, real, live, they-pay-me-to-do-work kind of a job. And even with its quirks and concerning aspects, I am so incredibly thankful each and every day. I opened up my bank account the other day to check the balance before I paid my credit card bill and was instantly teary because a) there is money in the account; b) it's more than enough to cover the credit card bill and any other bill I need to pay before the next check gets deposited; and c) there will be another check--as in, the balance will increase. For the first time in more than a YEAR.

This kind of blows my mind every time I think of it.

Weigh-In: Weeks 6 & 7 (With Bonus Job Information)

Starting a new job is exhausting. I don't know if any of the rest of you are introverts like me (I have this completely unsubstantiated belief that the majority of the Internet is made up of introverts, because it's much easier for us to communicate when it's not face-to-face), but meeting a whole lot of new people, learning a new social system/authority hierarchy, and spending ten hours a day interacting with people are like the TOP THREE things I don't do well with and/or drain a lot of my energy. This is not an excuse about why I haven't been blogging, by the way, since I realize that no one but me cares about that. But it is the reason I haven't been blogging much in the last few weeks: I am drained. I am just tired. All. The. Damn. Time. I'm sure it will get easier as I adjust and make friends and learn to cope again, but after 20 months of laying around and being predominantly alone, this is a huge adjustment.

Also, my new office has oddly restrictive policies regarding the Internet and smart phones. As in, don't touch them. At all. When I type it out, it seems like it really isn't a big deal--when you're at work, you work; do personal Internetting on your own time; yadayadayada. But any time my phone vibrates in my purse (in my own office) I have this paranoia that someone is going to say something about it. That's how strict these policies are. And I know my anonymity makes it difficult for you to understand what my job is like, but I assure you that I am not dealing with any classified intelligence or anything else that would make a company wary of personal communications at work. It's just that my boss doesn't like smart phones. She calls them "an addiction with people your age." So. There's that.

I had this whole post written about my new job and the parts I like and the parts I'm worried about, but it came off so much more down than I meant it to, so I scrapped it. I guess the long and short of it is that this job is not exactly what I thought it was going to be, that my boss is more difficult that I thought she would be (not that she's reached the heights of Crazy Boss Lady or Big Jerk Boss Man, but there are...similarities), and the office has some personality dysfunctions that are worrying. So that's fun!

I'm working through it, because it is what it is and I desperately need the job, but I will admit to you that I haven't been all that happy with God lately. It's really hard to reconcile the facts that 1) He has placed me here and 2) His plans for me are good, with the fact that this is yet again a difficult place to work. I've had to deal with a lot of entitlement issues (like He owed me the perfect job with no problems and desks made out of candy and people who are exactly like Jesus because I've PAID MY DUES sitting on my couch all sad and lonely...or something) and I've been convicted again and again by the fact that I don't trust Him as much as I thought I did or claimed to do. If He truly is enough for me and the source of my identity like I say He is, then I need to let go of my plans for stability and comfort and go wherever He sends me--usually, the places that need His grace and His love the most are the least comfortable and the least stable. But, man is that hard. It's like I'm a work in progress or something. Who knew?

ANYway, here we are. Moving on to the business portion of the post. I've skipped TWO weigh-in updates, so that needs to be remedied. I switched to Friday morning meetings, since I now work Monday through Thursday (I'm working four ten hour days so that I can have Fridays off--one thing I DO love is that my boss is very flexible on when and how I get my hours in). This will throw off all of my weight loss goal dates, but I'm lazy and I don't want to go change them, so I'm just saying those goals are "the week of [insert date here]." Cool? Cool.

So, here are the stats for 06.07.13:

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 301.2 lbs
Week's Loss: -2.8 lbs
Total Loss: -10.8 lbs

YAY! I hit ten pounds lost. I got a five pound sticker to put right next to my other five pound sticker! Hooray! Except. Look out for the other shoe; it's about to drop. The stats for yesterday:

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 302.8 lbs
Week's Loss Change: +1.6 lbs
Total Loss: -9.2 lbs

Yeeeeaaaahhh... So that was fun! It was a pretty excellent cap to an already stressful and exhausting week. There's no reason I can find to explain the gain. I did not change my eating habits much--in fact, I was better at eating on a schedule, because I'm now at work, at a desk, on a schedule. Luckily, WW does not take back your stickers if you gain, because that would be mean and I would never go to another meeting again. But it still sucked.

I'm not sure I love the new meeting, because the new leader is kind of... unbending when it comes to talking about the program. I mean, she works for them, so she's got to give the party line and all that, but part of the amazingness of WW is that you can make it work for you. It's not pre-made food or a list of things you can/can't eat. It's about calories in and calories out and you figure out how to maximize that process for yourself. I guess she's just a little...judgier than I'd like.

The basics of this post is that A LOT of things are changing in my life right now. That may even be the reason for the weight gain--apparently stress can do that? Although, I just checked and the scale here at home says I'm right on track, so it could have been equipment failure? Whatever the reason, I'm sticking with the program because it's the best thing I've found and I don't want to be over 300 pounds anymore.

How have YOU been doing, friends? I could use some good news and some success stories. That's not to say I don't want to hear from you if you're struggling like me--we can hold each other up and it will get better.