Obligatory New Year's Ramblings

2015. Two thousand fifteen. FIFTEEN. I don't know why that number seems so huge to me. The obvious mathematical truth is that it is exactly one more that FOURteen, and yet it feels like suddenly I'm living in the future. Like we've been taking baby steps away from the giant year of 2000 and we just took a huge running leap forward from 12.31.14 and 1.1.15. I think it might have something to do with 2015 being a year used as a "projection year" while I was in school. As in "By the year 2015, the population of Whoozitzstan is estimated to be 40 quadrillion" or "We think that 1 in 5 Herblitz will be schmelged in 2015." Or possibly I've been pushed to the brink with this crazy-making job and I've started losing it. Who can tell?

Anyway, I have some thoughts about what I'd like 2015 to be like. "Resolutions" is too strong a word. Even "goals" seems like I'm pushing it. Thoughts. Wishes? Ehhh, here's what I'd like from 2015:

• A new job
• Good LORD Almighty, I would love for 2015 to be the last year in a long stretch of years in which I stop wishing for a new job. I would like to get one, enjoy it, and leave the wishing for sometime around 2020. Maybe.
• Less poundage
• I'm not going to get into numbers or an actual plan, because that has not really panned out for me in the past. But I would like to weigh less (possibly significantly less) on this date in 2016.
• To stand up for myself more
• Like I put on twitter the other day, what I really wish for is that people would be kinder to me this year and I would have to do less standing up for myself. But since I can only control me, I would like to set more boundaries and stand up for myself. In the tail end of 2014, I did this a little and it felt good. There's been some fallout that has sucked, but even then I was contented in knowing that I had done all I could to take care of myself. I'd like to keep doing that.
• To read my Bible more
• This sounds like such a Christian cliche, but it's so necessary in my life. Like exercise, I always feel better after I do it and yet I find a lot of reasons not to. I'm doing this reading plan through my church called Join the Journey. I really want to read every entry, even if I don't get to them on the day they're intended. By this time next year, I will have read the whole Bible, which I somewhat shamefully admit I have never done before. I claim to believe it all, but I haven't read it all? Let's change that.
• A new place to live
• Likely as not I will be moving back in with Bean when my lease is up. My apartment has been adequate, but there are a lot of issues that management won't deal with (using heat/AC makes my entire apartment stink of cigarette smoke which makes me cough and get stuffed sinuses, but it's Texas, so I have 100 degree days and 20 degree days and kind of need to be able to regulate temperature). Plus, I just love the stuffing out of Bean & Co, so why not spend more time there if they're willing to have me? However, if I manage to find a new job that pays well enough, I'll get a new place of my own that is very near to them instead.
• A....husband?
• That's probably dreaming too big, but MAN it would be really nice to meet someone and fall in love and share my life with them.

So that's my navel gazing New Year's post and it's ONLY eight days into 2015. Not too shabby for someone who posted 7 times in 2014.

Struggle

It's been a long time since I posted much of anything here, but it's definitely been awhile since I updated anything about my life in general. Life is really hard right now. I'm learning to count my blessings and focus on the good things and to struggle well. But life is pretty tough right now.

I'm looking for a new job. Again. I don't know why I've been walking in circles since I graduated college or why I need to experience same frustrations in every job I take, but apparently there's some lesson the be learned here. I really hope I learn it soon.

This job has been difficult form the start and just keeps getting harder. I hesitate to say anything too specific here because the last time I wrote about a boss, he read it and I feel quite a bit of shame for how it must have hurt him. It was the truth, but it was also angry and bitter and unkindly put. So, if there's one lesson I've learned, it's to be kinder on this blog. And the kindest way to put this is that I am not a good fit for this ministry and this ministry is not a good fit for me. There are many things that could change and would make my life a lot easier and make this place much more pleasant, but there is little chance of that happening right now, so I'm looking for a new place to be.

Job hunting is awful. It just is. I don't know of anyone who has enjoyed this process. I have been on three in-person interviews and countless phone interviews. I have been assessed and judged and found wanting again and again. Many people never even contact me again, which is disheartening and rude. Note to Hiring Managers: if we've had a face-to-face conversation, it's not too much to ask for an email or a phone call saying "No, thank you." Also, if you elect not to hire me and say some pretty tough things in the rejection, perhaps you should not, in the same paragraph, ask me to like you on Facebook. Just a thought.

Anyway, here's a snapshot: I went on an interview this last Friday that was...a frustrating waste of time. The job was a technical editor position for a microchip manufacturing firm. Now, obviously, this is a highly specialized and technical place and describing what they do might bore certain people. But when the guy in charge of MARKETING the firm sounds bored when explaining the job to me, that's not a good sign. Also the online job description and the job described at the interview were significantly different from one another and my resume no longer fit what they were looking for. The whole time, the interviewer and the HR person acted like they had no idea why I was there. YOU called ME, people.

As I was leaving this disappointing meeting, I discovered my first grey hair. If you'd asked me before that day what I thought about grey hair, I would have shrugged and said something about natural aging is beautiful and I should own it and maybe worrying about it is a little vain (but not in a judgey way). Instead, I burst into tears. I don't actually care about my hair. I'm blond enough that it wasn't really obvious and it will be a long while before the grey outnumber the blond and becomes noticeable. It was the juxtaposition of feeling very lonely and wondering if I was ever going to meet someone one and feeling ridiculously self-conscious about the fact that I'm 27 and I've never been kissed AND grey hair that made it so difficult. So, first grey hair before first kiss. That felt good.

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty down lately. Work is hard, hour by hour. There is less and less freedom in my workplace and more and more frustration. My favorite coworker resigned last week to go have her baby, which is fraught with many layers of sadness for me. I go home to an empty one bedroom apartment I can barely afford. And no one seems to want to hire me.

I don't have an ending for this post that is hopeful. I don't have it in me today. This is where I am, learning to struggle well. I'm frequently asking myself the question "If this is all there is, is God enough?" And if I'm being really honest, right now the answer is "not really." I'm getting there. I want Him to be enough. But today, I'm feeling pretty discontented. I want to believe this will get better, but there are no guarantees in life. This life I'm living is by no means awful. It's just less than I thought I would have. Which is, admittedly, a very entitled way of looking at the world. Again, there are no guarantees in this life, so I wasn't even promised this much. On my better days, I'm grateful for even this much. I'm trying to make today one of those days.

Grand Adventurous Schemes for Adventuring and Stuff

When Roommate and I were in college, we had these grand adventurous schemes. Well, really, Roommate had these grand adventurous schemes for adventuring and also going on adventures and I would stand next to her, nodding along while silently thanking sweet baby Jesus that we had neither the funding nor the time to accomplish any of them. Adventurer, I am not. This is why Roommate and I are so good for each other. She pushes me to be brave and I keep her from finagling her way onto the roof of the science building and possibly getting killed or worse, expelled.

I remember once idly commenting that the fountain in the middle of the quad would be really fun to play in, since its bowl was just a sunken portion of the quad with no barriers, and that maybe someday we would sneak out of the dorms late at night and run through it (because I was pretty sure there was a rule somewhere that you were not to play in the Fountain of the Holy Spirit or at least it was REALLY frowned upon by the priests who ran our school). Roommate's eyes lit with a fanatical gleam and I instantly cringed, because I knew one way or another, I was going to end up in that fountain. And sure enough, amid the stress and worry of studying for our last set of finals of our Freshman year, Roommate suggested the perfect way to blow off a little steam.

And oh. my. god. It was SO cold. I spent much of it worrying we were breaking eight million rules and possibly angering God Almighty and also there was a random creepy dude who was definitely not a student sitting in the shadows of the quad watching us, even though it was well after midnight and no members of the public should have been anywhere near that part of campus, GOOD JOB PUBLIC SAFETY. But it was, hands-down, my favorite memory from that year. In fact, the picture of Roommate and I dripping wet and shivering afterward with my patented Uncomfortably Close and Awkward hug remains one of my favorite pictures of us in existence.

It became a tradition--on the Monday of Finals Week (which never had a final and often had your last class of the quarter, even if you were scheduled to take the final for that class the next morning and there was no way you would be learning anything new that day because sometimes my school was ridiculous), when the clock neared midnight, we would drop our books and scamper to the quad and, with muffled shrieks of glee and oh-my-God-that's-freezing-why-do-we-even-do-this-to-our-selves, we would fling ourselves in and out of the fountain, trying hard not to impale our limbs on the abstract sheet metal flame-ish things that were meant to represent the fire of the Holy Spirit (OR SOMETHING I WAS NOT AN ART MAJOR) or stub our frozen toes on the strategically placed fake boulders that were supposed to represent man's Earthbound flesh (I'm completely making crap up don't trust a word I say). And also avoid the lurking creepers who kindly offer to take photos fro you so that you don't end up with what will later be dubbed the "selfie."

Sometimes, we took friends with us. Sometimes, we went just the two of us. We NEVER went in Fall Quarter when, much to Roommate's chagrin and my everlasting gratitude, the school shut down the fountain to avoid the FROZEN LAKE METAL SPIKE DEATH TRAP that would inevitably ensue in the Pacific Northwest in December. We took pictures in the fountain in our robes on graduation day. The night before we handed over the keys to our apartment and went our separate ways, we waded through, opting not for the rambunctious shenanigans of our "younger" days, but for a more sedate and placid good-bye (OKAY I HAD A TUMMYACHE because I moronically refused to "waste" the leftover food in our fridge and spent our last days EATING IT INSTEAD WHAT AM I NEW?).

Oh my God, Elise, that wasn't even the point of the post. The point of ALL that was to say that Roommate makes me brave. She is so very good for me. But when she gets that gleam in her eye, the introverted play-it-safe line-toer inside of me just quakes. Because I know it's going to be awesome, but it's going to push me out of my microscopic comfort zone. And most of the time, it's not even anything dangerous or illegal or even scary to anyone who is not a chicken (*cough*me*cough*).

And the whole point of THAT is just to intro my ACTUAL topic for this evening, OH MY GOD STOP TYPING. So. Roommate has schemes; she makes me brave; I spend a lot of time praying her schemes never come to fruition because I am a big fat fraidy cat. Twenty-eight words. 28. Seriously, me?

Anyway, during our junior year, when we were living with Liar in our Ghetto Palace, Roommate suggested we take a road trip. And I smiled encouragingly, thinking it would be like that time we drove from [Prominent Pacific Northwest City] to [Prominent Non-United States City] for a three day weekend, except without as much Vicodin and I would remember to wear pajamas. Oh God, I want to leave that sentence as it is and just let you guys wonder, but I am terrible and being mysterious and also I'm a truth-teller (it goes hand-in-hand with being a line-toer) so I will divert this post a SECOND TIME to tell you the really lame story of our trip to the Great North (which is NOT Far North, but IS Far North Adjacent). [If you'd rather live with the mystery and just get on with this post, meet me at the next paragraph.] We had planned it for months for the first long weekend of the term. My friends wanted to go drink somewhere it was legal to do so at age 19 (as if they didn't take the copious opportunities to drink illegally right where we were, but whatev) and I wanted to see some place new. But right before we went, my friend broke her hand playing rugby and had to have surgery. But since we were using her car to get us there and we'd already paid for the hotel, she came along hopped up on painkillers. Oh, and I forgot to pack pajamas. Nothing bad actually happened to my pajamas or myself without them (except I had to sleep in my jeans or nothing at all in a shared bed in a cheap motel). That's all. You would have been better off with the mystery, huh? Sucks for you that I have Chronic Honesty And Truth Telling Effusive Reaction (or as the professionals call it: C.H.A.T.T.E.R.).

And we're back. So I'm thinking, fun day-trip! Maybe a weekend in Eastern [Name of Pacifically Northwestern-most Pacific Northwest State]. At best, something out of state, maybe to her hometown a couple days' drive south. Nooooo. That will not DO for Roommate. No, she has GRAND adventurous schemes, remember? One day, she comes home with a map of the US and a box of stick pins (you know, the kind with the colored plastic ball at the end that you see in cop shows to mark the places in the crime scene photographs where they found evidence? Those ones). So we cleared a wall of the office (Ghetto Palace, remember? We totally had an office. Or a really tiny, oddly shaped third bedroom that no one wanted so Roommate and I ended up bunking together. Literally. With bunk beds. We were sooooo cool.), put up the map, and began marking the places we wanted to see. I got the red pins. She got the yellow ones. And blue were for... God, I can't remember. Towns with funny names? Yeah, I think that was it. Towns with ridiculous names that we wanted to visit sight unseen, just based on the name alone. Maine had some really spectacular ones, if I remember correctly.

And we began to plot our course. We were going to graduate college and immediately get our dream jobs. Mine would be on the East Coast, because that's where my industry was based and all the best graduate schools were there and of course I was going to have the time, money, and drive to work full-time AND go to school. Sure! Hers was in England. So we were going to drive across the country together with all of our stuff in the back of the car, making our way through sights and tourist traps and WORLD'S LARGEST WHATEVERTHINGAMABOB and crazily named towns. Eventually, we would end up in the [Insert Major Metropolitan City and Seat of Power on the East Coast], where my dream job would be waiting for me. Like, literally, they would have been waiting two months while I drove across the country at a leisurely pace, taking breaks for adventures wherever they found us, as Corporate America is more than happy to do for inexperienced new grads with no references and bad interviewing skills. From there, Roommate would board the next available flight across the Atlantic with only the possessions she could fit in a carry-on and take off for the British Isles, where HER dream job would be waiting, but not before she stayed in a few hostels and really roughed it for a few weeks, probably meeting a punk rocker who also played professional football (or as we stupid Americans call it, SOCCER) and falling madly in love.

It was, in short, pure fantasy. And it was SO fun to dream about these things, especially for me, since I put very little stock into our ability to accomplish any of it. I could dream and put pins in our wall with abandon, knowing they didn't constitute anything more than a flight of fancy. A few months later, we moved out of the Ghetto Palace (partly due to the financial tomfoolery of Liar and partly due to the encroachment of the ghetto into our palace and the gunfire that became a common feature of our evenings).

We carefully took the pins out of the map and unsuccessfully tried to refold the map into its original impossible 9"X4" rectangle (DAMN YOU RAND MCNALLY). We had grand plans of putting it up in the new place, but we never got around to it. As graduation loomed ever nearer, we realized there would be no "perfect jobs" and actually, thanks to the credit crisis and the economic downturn, there may be no jobs at all. We were both moving home to our respective hometowns to mooch off our parental units until we could scrape something together. The road trip had died.

The plans for the last hurrah shrank in some ways and expanded in others. Instead of several months, we chose a week. Instead of just the two of us, we included three of our close friends. Instead of across the country, we crossed part of an ocean, staying in Roommate's uncle's beach house on the North Shore of Oahu. And it was perfect. And as you might have guessed, I had to be talked into even THAT small of a plan (see also: CHICKEN). The five of us made a pact that no matter where we were in life, we would come back in five years. Next summer will be five years. I don't think many of us thought we would have spent the last five years the way each of us have, but for better or worse, at least four of us are going to make it back to that beach house next year. I don't care if I have to sell a kidney to make it happen. What? I've got two. I bet I'll barely miss the other one.

While I was in Far North, Roommate didn't really bring up the road trip. It's just too hard to even find time to fly to one another, let alone drive anywhere. But now that I live in Texas, Roommate has that gleam in her eye again. She has new grand adventurous schemes for NOLA and Nashville and Graceland and the Grand Canyon, using my place as a home base. And this time, I'm actually considering it. I don't have a map or pins yet, but I think I might be brave enough to buy some soon.

Bright Sides

Sometimes, my job drives me crazy. Sometimes, my coworkers and/or my boss drive me crazy. Sometimes, the mere act of getting out of bed to go to work drives me crazy. Today is not necessarily one of those times, but maybe if I make this list on a good day, I can use it for those other days when I can't see past my tiny, ineffectual, hamster-doing-a-t-rex-impression RAGEARMS.

(Some) Reasons Why I love My Job, In No Particular Order:

1. My coworker EJ is the BEST. She mentors me, she speaks truth into me, she prays for me, and she makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I love her very much and this job would not be the same without her.
2. My coworker A is so gentle and sweet and kind and supportive. She helps me see the good in all the other people who make me crazy without making me feel guilty that they do indeed make me crazy. She and I are in this together and I appreciate that so much.
3. I get to make a difference, if only in a very small way. This is not just punching a clock.This work is meaningful and I believe in it and I am honored to get to be a part of it.
4. I have my own office and a lot of leeway to do what I want with it. I've never had this before and it's just plain wonderful. I bought a red clock and a desk lamp and a picture frame and rearranged all the furniture. Maybe I'll get a plant next.
5. I have windows in my office. With daylight. This is better than I ever imagined.
6. This job gives me a paycheck. I could say a million things about the size of the paycheck (or lack of size) or the benefits inherent in the paycheck (or lack of benefits), but it's an income. After going so long without one, I am incredibly grateful for this.
7. I have flexible hours, meaning that I don't work most Fridays. And when my folks came to visit and I had no vacation accrued, I was allowed to accrue comp time before they came to pull off half-days while they were here.
8. I get two weeks paid vacation at Christmas. In addition to the two weeks regular vacation I get per year. This is UNHEARD of. Combine that with my parents' air miles and I get to go home to Far North for Christmas for practically no cost.
9. This job is challenging. I am using a skill set that I've never used in a professional setting before and it is stretching me. I don't always have the answer and that's new for me. And I kind of love it.
10. I have health insurance. And the premium is entirely paid by my employer. Even if the coverage is crap (I think it's decent), this is excellent. I no longer fear that my appendix is going to rupture violently and I'll live the rest of my life in enormous medical debt. Now to go get my flu shot...
11. We're donor-supported, which is usually a pain in the ass, but every once in a while, I get to see staggering examples of human generosity. That's pretty cool.
12. I have the ability to work from home when I want/need. This is very helpful and totally saved my butt a few weeks ago when I was ill, but needed the hours. Yay, working in pajamas!
13. I don't have to job hunt. Seriously, one of the best parts of HAVING a job is that I no longer have to LOOK for a job or INTERVIEW for a job. I think this may be my favorite part of having a job.
14. It gives me a purpose for my days, an avenue for my talents, and a hope for my future. There's not much more I can ask for.

I could totally make a longer list of things I HATE about my job, but a) no one wants to read that and b) that's not really helpful to me in keeping this job or being happy about having it. And there are probably many more things I could add to this list (and I might, if I think of them), but this is what's in my head now. And seriously, you guys? EJ is about the wisest and funniest person I've ever met and she's working at this location today (she's usually across town). She makes me want to write list after list like this one.

Do you have an EJ in your life? Or a list of positives you need to focus on? Tell me in the comments and we'll all help each other look on the bright side today.

How Much Longer, Lord?

For those of you counting at home, it has been 606 days since I packed up my desk and walked out of my office for the last time, feeling confused and betrayed and incredibly relieved. It was the right choice, as has been proven again and again. But that doesn't mean that it hasn't been a difficult 606 days. I mean, babies have been conceived, gestated, and born in the time that I've been unemployed. And technically, if someone were to get pregnant right after the 6 week postpartum restriction, they could have TWO separately-gestated-and-born babies in the time I've been without a job (40 weeks plus 6 weeks plus 40 weeks equals 86 weeks, which is just slightly less than 606 divided by 7, for those math weirdos out there). But honestly I don't think I'd recommend this.

ANYWAY. Sorry for that gestational tangent. My point is, it's been a rough 86 weeks. Babies have been born, people have died, weight has been gained (and lost again), emotions have roiled, interviews have given false hope, money has not-so-slowly seeped out of bank accounts, etc. We've all heard this story before. Everything has changed around me and I stay the same. Stuck. Sometimes, I feel like I might whither up and never move again; I'll just be trapped in an endless loop of interviews and hopelessness. Each night, I pray, "How much longer, Lord?"

Today, he answered me.

"Five," He said.

His voice was not a booming in the clouds or a still, small whisper in my soul. His voice came in the form of a woman on the other end of my phone. Offering me a job. Starting next Wednesday.

Five days from now, I will be a gainfully employed, functioning member of society. Today, I accepted a job offer with an area non-profit organization doing work that I believe in and want to be a part of. This is a full-time, benefited, community-impacting job. It's everything I prayed for and more. I might even get to have my own office! I have mild fantasies of a mini-fridge and a coat rack. Don't ask me to explain; it'd just ruin it.

In the past 24 hours, I have cried, I have jumped up and down, I have fallen to my knees in grateful prayer, and I have danced. Oh how I've danced! I would like to tell you the whole story at some point about how the interviews went and about the offer, but I'm starving and I'm too excited to sit still. So I'll save that for a whole other post.

But I don't want to end this without first saying that I am SO grateful for all of you, my Internet community. This last year and a half would have been doubly difficult if I hadn't had you to whine to and ask questions of and joke with. I would not have had the courage (or the ability, THANK YOU Linnea) to move here to Texas and make a new start. You people have been more gracious and supportive than I could ever expect or deserve. Thank you so much for your prayers, your support, and your love. I had no idea how much God would bless me through this rambly little blog, but I'm so glad I found you all.

Weigh-In: Week 4 (with an Interview Update)

I went for a long walk after my meeting today and I wore myself out. I also gave myself another blister, so I guess I''ll be buying new shoes soon. Over all, it was a good week. I ate ice cream a few times (Safeway has an Oatmeal Cookie flavor that is delightful and only 8 points for a cup) and I think I had pizza again (it's all starting to run together), so I'm not feeling deprived at all. Most days, I did better at budgeting my points throughout the day so I didn't end up gobbling 23 points right before bed. Except for last night, but some oreos and ice cream cleared that problem right up.

Anyway, the stats:

Original Weight: 312.0 lbs
Today's Weight: 304.6 lbs
Week's Loss: -2.8 lbs
Total Loss: -7.4 lbs

I am REALLY excited about this progress. It seems unlikely that I'll keep up this pace over the long run (and it probably wouldn't be healthy if I did), but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Plus, I got my first 5 pound sticker! Last time around, I lived for the stickers. This time is no different. I apparently do really well with token reward systems. 

The sunshine and the balanced daylight here are really helping me out. I think I may have some kind of biological hibernation response in Far North that makes it really difficult to lose weight. Or, that could just be a cop out. Who knows? What I do know for sure is that most produce is so much cheaper here and the quality is much better. I'm eating avocados! And asparagus! And strawberries! And all sorts of other things. My only complaint is that I have yet to find a really good apple selection. My favorites are Cameos and I think they're pretty rare in the first place, but none of the stores I've gone to have had a decent selection of any kind of apple. This is not the end of the world, by any means, but I do miss my apples.

*   *   *   *   *

On Monday, I posted about my up-coming interview. And just like with any mother who posts about something her baby is doing only to have him or her stop doing it the second she hits publish, everything changed rather quickly. Tuesday morning, I got a call from a different organization that I applied with and they want to interview me on Thursday. I'm pretty excited about this position, too, so I'm happy to have more than one option if they both offer me a job (that sounded...optimistic; how unlike me).

After the conversation with the woman, I hung up the phone and danced into the living room to tell Bean. And being the tempter of fate that I am, I tweeted this: 

I have an interview in four hours and I just got a call for another one on Thursday. Right this second, things are coming up Bagels!
— Elise Seaton (@NotBagels) May 21, 2013

As most of you are probably aware, the same storm system that devastated Moore, Oklahoma has been working its way across northern Texas, including the DFW area. We were under tornado watches both Monday and Tuesday. Soon after I tweeted that, the watch was changed to a Severe Weather warning. I was not wild about the idea of driving across unfamiliar interstates in severe weather or with the chance of a tornado, but I didn't exactly think I could cancel or reschedule the interview, either. I figured most people in the area are used to this kind of activity in the spring and summer and I was being a baby. So I located my big girl panties once more and set out. Just as the thunderstorm started. 

I have never driven in rain like that. I'm pretty sure it's not all that unusual for the area, but Far North doesn't really get deluges like that. It just sprinkles for months on end. Or it's too cold and we have snowstorms, which are bad don't get me wrong, but are not the same. Anyway, I fought through the worst of the storm on the turnpike and was making decent time, since I'd left early. The rain finally petered off and traffic started moving faster and my hands unclenched from the steering wheel. Five miles to go! I consoled myself. Only two exits now! You can do this!

And then my phone rang. 

They were cancelling the interview. Apparently, the organization has a policy to shut down in these types of weather situations. Which is fine! I completely understand! I didn't want to be on the roads either! Everyone stay home where it's safe and warm and dry! BUT. Seriously? The warning had been in effect for hours. They couldn't have called me earlier in the day? The interview was in less than a half hour. Unless I lived RIGHT NEXT DOOR to their offices, there's no way I hadn't left yet. I lied and told her I hadn't gotten very far and it was perfectly alright and of course I'd be happy to reschedule. Because that's what you do when you're desperate for a job a polite human being. 

I just now got an email form her with the rescheduled time. So. For anyone keeping score at home, I will make the THIRD trip out there at 8:00 am on Friday to have what is technically a FIRST interview. The other organization's interview is on Thursday at 11:00 am. If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate one or two on my behalf. It would be amazing if either one of these turned into an actual job for me. Because, seriously? PIG'S BLOOD!

The Interview Chronicals: Day 600

I wish "600" was just a random, very large number used for humorous purposes to illustrate that I have been at this job search thing for a while. Like whenever Sister's friend has to tell someone her weight, she says 1512 pounds or, alternately, 17 pounds since neither can be true and people laugh and forget they asked her a terribly rude question like, "How much do you weigh?" But, alas, it is the real number (if we're counting from here, which I am, so there). So. That's...fun.

Anyway, I told the Internet I had an interview coming up and then promptly stopped talking to the Internet about jobs at all (even on my non-blog, real-name social media sites where people from home look to find out how I'm doing). So here's the story, as best as I can tell it without revealing the company or the industry and without sounding like a giant blog of "and then I did this and then I did that and then I misused the word interesting about seven times and then BORED."

Several weeks ago, I got a call for a "pre-interview phone screening" which was apparently just their fancy way of saying "We'll have an HR rep ask you all the usual interview questions, which they will type up and give to your interviewer (should you be chosen for an interview) and he will only glance at them and then ask you all the same questions over again. Just for funsies." At least, that was my experience. I answered all of the questions for a particular position and the HR lady was very nice and personable and we had a good rapport. I don't know if that matters at all, but I'd like to think it's a good thing. It can't hurt, anyway.

An hour after that call, she called me back and said, "The whole time you were answering my questions, I was thinking you'd be great for this other position. And I see that you've applied for that one as well. Can I screen you for that one, too?" Like I was going to say no. Plus, do you know how gratifying it is for someone to call you and tell you that your skills MADE them think of a place for you at their company? That was pretty nice. So I answered a lot of the same questions, which I had to remember all of my good answers from before since she was re-typing them because they were going to a completely different department. Luckily, SHE remembered some of the good things I said and actually prompted me a few times. I sent her a Thank You Card, because she is awesome. Hands down, best person I've met through this whole job hunting experience.

Anyway, about a week later, she called me and set up an in-person interview for the second position (I've never heard another word about the first one). Apparently, the Executive Director's schedule was pretty tight, so she offered me two dates, both three weeks out. Which is unusual in my experience, but it's not like I'm going to turn it down. Unfortunately, this lead to three weeks of me talking myself in and out of being qualified for the position. My interview nerves are pretty bad in the best of circumstances, so I'm amazed my head didn't explode at some point in those weeks.

After a lot of mental rehearsing and wardrobe choosing, Thursday arrived. I put on my big girl panties, figured out how to navigate the unfamiliar interstate highways (Far Northerner, remember?), and went to the interview. And it went seemingly well. I mean, it's ME, so there were still a lot of awkward moments and talking with my hands (read: one step short of flailing). Since my barometer of what makes an interview good is obviously not properly calibrated (I've thought some went REALLY well and others terribly and they all resulted in me not getting the job), I couldn't really answer everyone's question of "How'd it go?" But I also didn't spend days agonizing over every little flub and wishing I'd said more or less on particular subjects. So I felt like that was pretty positive.

And the director seemed nice enough. He was a little intense at turns--he kept a cot in his office--but also kind of blase about things--he made light jokes about the weaknesses of the organization. But all in all, he seemed decent and I could see myself working for him. And let's face it, as much as I don't want to get into another terrible boss situation, I also REALLY NEED A JOB. Anyway, I felt like it went as well as it possibly could have. He said he had another interview the next week, but that he'd make a decision by the end of that week.

I got a call on Wednesday from the HR department. As soon as the woman identified herself, I braced for rejection. It was too early in the week. Plus, my default expectation is disappointment (like that's news to anyone). And just as I suspected, she did not offer me the job.

No, instead, she informed me that the man I had met with six days ago was "no longer with the organization" and asked if I would be willing to come in and re-interview with another executive. So. That's weird, right? Seriously, I have been puzzling over this for days. I met with him in the afternoon on Thursday and I got the call in the morning the following Wednesday. What could have happened in three business days? He was the executive director of a large organization. They don't usually up and quit. If he'd been planning it, he wouldn't have scheduled the interview. If they were trying to fire him before that, they wouldn't have let him take the interview. So my guess is he went out in some kind of hailstorm. Either he walked out or they fired him. Or he died. Otherwise, I have no idea how this happens. And don't think I haven't been googling (it's a prominent enough company that it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for them to put out a press release in this kind of situation).

Anyway, long story short, I'm headed back in to interview tomorrow. Obviously, we're dealing with some odd circumstances here, but it's a little crazy to me how long this process has taken. I got the very first call the schedule the pre-interview screening on April 9th. My original interview was on May 9th. At the rate we're going, I may not find out whether or not I've got the job until June 9th. Is this how things usually go? Because my 600 days tell me something a little bit different.

Not that I'm necessarily complaining (I'm totally complaining), since any progress is still progress and I'm grateful to have ANY kind of opportunity to tell someone they should hire me. It's just that it feels a lot like expecting to get stood up for the school dance but your date actually shows up and is dressed nicely and even brings a corsage and you're OVERJOYED until you get to the dance and everyone looks at you in a way that makes you feel like you aren't supposed to be there but THEN you find out you got crowned QUEEN and as you're making your tearful speech about how they really actually like you after all there's a whole giant bucket's worth of PIG'S BLOOD falling on your head. And I'm just saying that if it takes two entire months to get to the pig's blood, I'd have rather stayed home alone with a good book.

A Few Tenuously Related Things

Five days in, the WeightWatchers thing is going well. Which isn't saying all that much, since it's five whole days (it's not even enough time to have a weigh-in report). Except the opposite of that statement would be pretty pathetic, so I guess five whole days is something to celebrate. I went shopping yesterday and, since my shopping bags look basically the same from week to week, I made a point of buying a few newish things. So I bought an avocado. And I picked a new kind of granola bar. I know, I'm such a daredevil! I also bought snack-size ziplocks to portion out my snacks, because 1) it's cheaper than buying pre-portioned snacks, 2) the boxes were taking up a lot of room on my shelf, and 3) I'm more likely to eat it if it's already counted for me. So I put on Firefly and busted out all the bags and boxes of snacks and had a sorting/counting party. Then I realized that the boxes were doing a rather excellent job of containing my snacks and I had no where to put a gazillion slide-y plastic bags. So I ran to Target and bought two cheap wire baskets from the See Spot Save section to keep it tidy. Like this:

One is savory, the other is sweet. I could probably do something Pinteresty to them to label them. Or I could just look at them and then eat some things. That plan seems easier.

The baby has already found them and enjoys dumping them all over the floor and then flinging the granola bars around, which is fun for her and amusing for me so everyone wins. You might notice the numbers drawn on them in purple permanent marker--those are points values (shut up, I know it's "PointsPlus" now, but who are we kidding with this really?). That way, it's a really easy grab-and-go system. That I've set up for such a time as I will actually "go" after I grab.

The OCD part of me would like to go get more bins and separate the items by point value, but is conflicted by the fact that the Target near me only has yellow bins left and then they won't all match so I need different colors entirely so that it looks like it was intentionally not matching. And also, I don't have any FIVE point snacks, but I do have SIX point snacks, so do I just skip the five point bin or do I have an empty bin as a place holder for POTENTIAL five point snacks?  I have problems, is what I'm saying.

*   *   *   *   *

Also on the weight-loss front, I've been walking more lately. I discovered an app that works for me (MapMyWalk) and I've made routes of varying lengths and I actually want to walk them. On Saturday, I plopped the baby in the stroller and walked three (THREE) miles, which I am extremely proud of and I would count as a success if it weren't for a sunburn (Far Northerners are not to be trusted in Texas sunshine, apparently, but don't worry because I bought sunscreen with my avocado) and a blister. Yeaaaaah, my running shoes are causing a chronic blister on my left foot. I probably need new shoes, which I can't really afford right now. But I probably also need to, you know, use common sense and let it heal completely before trying to walk in them again. Which is really lame, because this is the first time in FOREVER that I actually want to exercise and I can't put my stupid shoes on. And yes, complaining about wanting to exercise and "woe is me, I have a small blister. I think I shall die from this!" this is really stupid and I am a walking limping cliche of First World problems, but it IS a problem to me and it's bumming me out.  Maybe I can find a good padded band-aid or something, because I really don't want to lose momentum. Any runners out there know of anything that actually stays put? (I should clarify: I am not and will probably never be a runner, but if it works at higher speeds, it should work for my 20 minute mile pace, right?)

*   *   *   *   *

You know how I mentioned Firefly in the first paragraph? I started rewatching it because I ran out of Doctor Who (I told you these things are tenuously related). That's right, I'm now a Whovian. I have Thoughts and Feelings about all of it, but I don't want to spoil anything for any of you who are still planning on getting into it (I speak from experience when I say it is never too late to show up to this party). Luckily, Bean and her husband and Kammah are all Whovians (how do you think I got hooked in the first place?), so I have outlets for my Thoughts and Feelings. but if any of you are fans and need someone with whom to start an epic email discussion, I am willing to be that someone. 

And if you're someone who wants to watch, but feels like it's a huge undertaking, let me assure you that it's worth it. Start with the 2005 re-start with the 9th Doctor and just forget about the earlier seasons--they'll explain everything you need to know. Seasons 1-6 are on Netflix as "Doctor Who" (whereas the older season are labeled as "Classic Doctor Who"). Two special episodes are missing, but I think you can buy them on Amazon; I haven't seen those and I'm not too lost. The current season is also on Amazon. And I would recommend staying off of Pinterest and Google while you're working your way through it, because I thoroughly spoilered myself on a few important things accidentally.

*   *   *   *   *

In related news, I think I am an official Netflix addict. Far North Internet being what it is (read: stupid), I haven't had the ability to watch online television in a very long time. And now I am watching ALL. THE. THINGS. I'm caught up on all my current shows, I've picked up a few that I dropped after college, and I'm flinging myself into BBC serials and science fiction adventures like there is no tomorrow. As you can imagine, this is making me oh so successful in the finding a job arena.

*   *   *   *   *

But! I have a job interview on Thursday. I got the call three weeks ago. That means I've had three weeks to get my hopes up and freak myself the heck out. I am not exactly in a great headspace right now. And I just realized that I need to find something professional to wear that actually fits me. If only WeightWatchers was a little more...instantaneous (she wishes for the millionth time for the millionth reason). I'm not sure if I'm more worried about screwing up the interview or about doing everything right and them still not hiring me. Mostly, I'm worried about the crushing despair that comes after rejection. I'm trying to keep things in perspective and put my hope in the right things (in a God who is sovereign and loves me and has a good plan for me and will not abandon me but is not a genie in a bottle and will not give me everything I want but will always give me everything I need) and not in the wrong things (my own ability to get a job, since I apparently do not have that ability). But if you're the praying type, I would appreciate some on my behalf around 2:30 pm this Thursday. 

*   *   *   *   *

Because I have been conditioned by a very long stint of unemployment, I know that this interview will likely turn into nothing. Statistics show that to be true. And I know, it only takes one offer, but let's face it, it would be ridiculous if one of the first jobs I applied for here in Texas and the first (only) interview I had was THE job and I was done. I'm still holding out hope, because that would be awesome. But I'm also being prudent and continuing to apply for other jobs. And I am ASTOUNDED by the amount of jobs available here. I think I have applied for more jobs in the last month than I applied for the whole time I was unemployed in Far North. Some of that is the economy. Some of that was my apathy and beaten-downness. But a lot of it is just that Far North is so TINY. Yes, it's a huge landmass, but it's so sparsely populated and there are so few industries. The opportunities here are so amazing to me. I feel like there HAS to be something I'm qualified for here. There HAS TO. Huh. This paragraph started out pragmatically pessimistic, but we ended on a high note. Victory! I think I'll leave it there before I talk myself out of it.

Texas: Two Week Update

I've been here for two weeks. TWO weeks. Is it really only two weeks? At the same time, have two WHOLE weeks gone by? You can see that I'm conflicted. Everything is happening very fast and yet also feels like a nice, easy routine of playing with the baby and job hunting during naps and hanging out with the Welches and just plain enjoying myself. I don't know how else to do this update but in a bulleted list. Someone more creative might be able to find a way, but I am still getting my bearings. Yes, let's blame it on that. 

Texas: What I've Been Doing and My Thoughts About It (Which You Can Skip and Just Read the Last Paragraph [Entitled "To Recap:" In Bold] If You're Short on Time or Patience or Are Being Set Upon by Wild Beasts and/or Babies):

• I've gone to three different churches--three different denominations, two of which I've never experienced before--so I'm getting exposed to all sorts of different flavors of Jesus, which is pretty cool, actually.
• I get to play with a baby EVERY SINGLE DAY how cool is that? Those of you who are moms are probably like, so? but it's awesome for me. She's learning so much right now and it's amazing to watch.
• I've applied for a gazillion jobs already. Okay, probably a couple dozen. Some childcare related and some in my industry. There's been a little bit of bureaucratic non-sense and run-around on a few of them, but mostly it's been a relatively easy process. If you don't count my whole emotional response to YET AGAIN begging people to like me enough to hire me and contorting myself into what I think they might want while still remaining honest about my skills and abilities--that part's not so painless.
• I've visited Linnea's parent's house twice now and they are fantastic people who don't seem to think it's one bit odd that I'm from the Internet. In fact, they've been incredibly kind and generous and offered their home to me if I should need a place on the Fort Worth side of the metroplex. It's like meeting extended family I never knew I had, which is to say: awesome.
• I've also visited Linnea's in-law's house and she has a brand spanking new nephew who is incredibly wee and adorable and I just want to watch him sleep that special newborn coma sleep. 
• I'm enjoying the heck out of the warmth and humidity. Rereading that makes me chuckle, because I spent a summer in Washington DC and I could have cursed humidity into a thousand fiery deaths, but that was also 95%. Here, it's been much less than that, but still much more than this so-dry-your-skin-cracks-and-bleeds Far North. My skin is loving this. My hair... Well, it'll adjust. I hope.
• Along with the warm, I'm relishing the lack of snow. The Texans are probably looking at me really funny right now, but I'm just so JOYFUL to see leaves on trees and dry ground. It's not like I expected snow here. I just find its absence comforting.
• I'm learning that "waterbugs" is just a nice way of saying "cockroaches and beetles." I am not a fan, no matter what you call them. This is the only downside I've found so far.
• I drove. By myself! And I didn't get lost. I feel like I may be making this a bigger accomplishment than it really is.
• Well, other than missing my family. Although, I'm doing incredibly well, all things considered. The first Sunday was hard, because we are such churchy people and I am guaranteed to see the whole family on Sundays, if not other days of the week. The realization that I would not, in fact, be seeing them that Sunday or any in the near future was a little rough, but I powered through. This is not like college where I knew no one at first and spent a lot of time alone. I live with a family, who treat me like part of their family, so it's much less lonely. 
• I got to go to Internet Book Club (I have no idea if it has a real name, so that's what I call it in my head), where I got to meet very nice women, some of whom I knew already from twitter and some new faces.We ate taco salad and tried to remember to talk about the book, but actually spent a lot of time just talking about life and I enjoyed myself a lot.
• I also have been warmly welcomed into Linnea's Bible study group, which has been a blessing in so many ways. It's nice to have built-in friends and it's really cool to know that I can be completely honest and open with them, since we're all just trying to be more like Jesus and we all want to help each other grow.
• Unlimited Internet! No download limits! All the shows I could never watch before! Blogging with out (technical) frustration! Candy Crush! I am never going to get a job!

There have been all kinds of other things happening in the last few weeks, but the list is getting long and I'm not sure that any of this is interesting to anyone but me.

To recap: I'm doing really well and I'm excited for the opportunities Texas offers. Hopefully, I'll get back to blogging more regularly now that I have a) access to good internet and b) things actually going on in my life again. But we've all heard that before, so we'll see. What are YOU up to? (and do you happen to know of any jobs available in the DFW area? Just kidding. Kind of.)

Texas, You Had Better Have Tissues

So, um... I'm moving to Texas.

Many of you who know me on twitter or were at PJs at TJ's this year probably already know that. But, in case you missed it, as many people in my personal life have, I'm MOVING to TEXAS.

Fair warning, this post is likely to be both CAPSLOCKY and incoherently babblish. Just FYI. Becaaaaauuuse: I'm moving to Texas in FOUR DAYS. And I have not packed a THING.

Here's the deal. Waaaay back in July (so like four posts ago on this here blog of abject neglect), I visited Linnea and her family in the DFW area. I got to meet her super cute, super schmooshy baby (who has grown into a super cute, slightly less schmooshy TODDLER, but that's a different story altogether) and her great husband and her sweet pets and her lovely friends. Through the planning phase of that trip, we joked about me meeting a cowboy/oil barron and getting married and just staying in Texas. And then when I got there, we joked about me finding a job there and living in Linnea's spare bedroom. And then about half-way through the trip, we kind of sort of somewhat a lot stopped joking. By the time I got on a plane to come home, I had half-way convinced myself that it was POSSIBLE to perhaps, SOMEDAY maybe try to sort of spend some more time in the general DFW area. Because I am a decisive person with a firm five-year plan for the future. Ahem.

Anyway, I got home and, as I had suspected, I remembered all of the reasons I love Far North and that I was actually very comfortable here, despite all of the REALLY GOOD reasons I had come up with while IN Texas for why Far North wasn't doing it for me anymore. Except. Those REALLY GOOD reasons wouldn't go away. Reasons like: I had not worked in a year; I'm overweight and struggling to lose weight in the cold and the dark and the land of expensive produce; I'm single and there are very few single, eligible men in this town; I'm afraid to drive in the snow.

So I started praying about it. And I started googling about DFW and jobs and housing. And then, in a fateful staff meeting in August about our church's growth and seating capacity, one of the pastors said, "I don't want to build a new building or move. I want to stay right here and keep preaching and just ignore the problem. But that's a terrible way to preach the Gospel and that's not what God is asking us to do." And all I could hear in my head was "I don't want to move to Texas and start over. I want to stay right here and keep failing to meet my goals and just ignore the problem. But that's a terrible way to live and that's not what God is asking me to do."

For those of you of the faith-y persuasion, this might be a familiar thing. But I know that this has to sound CRAZY to those of you who don't do church or faith. And, to tell you the truth, it's a little bit crazy to me, too. But it also feels so incredibly right. I didn't hear an audible voice from the heavens--that would either make me insane or...Moses and I'm pretty sure I'm neither. But I did know, deep in my gut, that it was the best plan and I could feel this tug on my soul to move and grow and change and see what this opportunity had to offer.

Now, as I am wont to do, I procrastinated and hemmed and hawed and just generally ignored that moment of revelation. Well, ignored it as much as I could while it was nagging in the back of my head and the few people I'd mentioned it to kept nudging me and asking about it and basically shooing me in a southerly direction. I went on more interviews here and failed to get each and every single job, even ones that seemed like sure things (THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SURE THING). And I applied for jobs there, saying I wouldn't go without a plan and having a job there was part of the plan, no "plan" materialized. And then a house-sitting job came up and then the holidays came and then there was PJs at TJ's and and and AND AND I was a big chicken.

All of this to say that I am FINALLY taking the leap. I have a room and a car waiting for me and a hope of some part-time nannying until I can secure permanent employment. I have no idea where this will lead and I had a whole post planned about all the BENEFITS! and LOGIC! and WISDOM! of moving to Texas, but.

Instead, in the middle of writing this, I was called into our church auditorium (I'm writing this form the church office, since I've been temping here all week) and they made a "blessing circle" around me. Which sounds so much more churchy and mystical than it really is. I don't even know if anyone else does this, but my Worship Pastor (who also happens to be my best friend, which makes this all the more difficult) has developed this tradition of sending people off in TEARS. I mean... Wait.

You see, whenever one of us is going away (either moving or being sent out on the mission field or away to long-term training or anything longer than a few months), he gathers the whole worship team and forces the Leaving to sit in the center with everyone staring at them while each person takes a turn telling the Leaver how much they've been personally blessed by them and how much they'll miss them and how grateful they are for the Leaver's service to the church and basically GUILTS them into staying because how can you leave when everyone loves you this much?! And then, after you've done the ugly cry in front of everyone you know and you've had to figure up the appropriate facial expression to wear when someone compliments your humble spirit (there is no humble way to take that compliment and still, you know, TAKE it) and you've resisted the urge to look behind you twelve million times because a) they MUST be talking about someone else because while you are awesome, you do not feel THIS awesome and b) there are PEOPLE behind you waiting to say nice things to you and probably noticing that the shirt you chose that morning isn't really long enough to cover your lower back while you're sitting in a discount rolling office chair... After all of THIS, everyone stands up and puts a hand on you and prays blessings over you and your ministry and calling and new life.

And it is an amazing experience. It's humbling and beautiful and scary and powerful and awkward and abut eighteen other adjectives. And I was crying and trying not to be to noisy about it and trying to remember every last word spoke and also trying to perfect my spontaneous teleportation powers so I disappear on the spot because, man, I do not deserve half of the kindness that was given to me tonight. I kept thinking that there is so much imperfect about me and my walk with Jesus and if these people, these people who've known me most of my life and who know me so well, could ACTUALLY see my heart, they might run way screaming from the mess that I am inside.

But I think that's the point. We are, none of us, perfect. But it was amazing for just a few minutes, to see myself as others saw me. Not to build myself up and pat myself on the back for being able to cover my mess so well, but to see the way I HAVE grown and the ways I AM serving the Lord and loving people. It was kind of eye-opening in its ordinariness.

Whoa. Okay, before I sink too far into a nostalgic burst of self-inflated psychoanalysis, I should stop and get some sleep. There is a whole house to clean in preparation of my good-bye party (which I'm kind of throwing for myself, which is probably incredibly terrible etiquette, but Sister says its her house and she called to invite everyone, so SHE'S throwing the party, which, okay.) and I'm meeting a friend for lunch and I broke the church's copier today (how's that for being a humble servant, huh? I'm going out with a bang, I guess), so I'm going in to meet the copier guy in the morning even though the church is technically closed. Oh, and I have library books to return and a million other things to do and OH HEY PACKING, so I need some sleep.

But a post about moving to Texas would not be complete without at least a small note to say that this is ALL THE INTERNET'S FAULT. That's right--I'm moving to texas because of YOU! I never would have met Linnea or EVER thought about moving to TEXAS OF ALL PLACES if it weren't for the Internet. And more specifically, if it weren't for TJ putting a link to this blog on hers and if it weren't for Linnea clicking that link and finding me and if it weren't for TJ throwing a slumber party with an open invitation that made me feel welcome and brave enough to meet the Internet in person. And I think all of that is just a little bit nuts, but it's also just about the coolest thing I've ever heard.

For All the Lost and Lonely

I am so lost right now, you guys. Life is really hard and I can't seem to write about anything other than my sorrows. But as I wrote this today, unsure of whether I would post it or just use it as a cathartic mind-dump and delete it, I found something interesting. I may be lost in the woods, but I can't possibly be the only one out here. With the economy the way it's been for the last several years and life being the grab bag of shits and giggles that it can be, a lot of us are a little lost these days. So I'm going to share where I'm at. Partly as catharsis and partly to tell you you're not alone, either. I'm not so full of myself to pretend I have any kind of solution, which you will see clearly as you read about the train wreck that is my life recently, but maybe you and I can find some hope together.

I spend a lot of my time actively not thinking about where my life is right now. It's nowhere near where I want it to be, but over the last year, I have managed to strengthen my denial muscle. I blithely move throughout my days, doing little projects, volunteering at church, picking up odd jobs here and there, pretending I'm not standing on a razor thin wire of hope that's growing more and more tenuous each day. There are the days that I forget to hold the denial muscle tight (like when I glance at my bank account) and I get a little bit sucker punched by the weight of all that I am not doing or cannot change. There is a physical pain in my stomach and a weight pressing on my chest that often takes my breath away with how suddenly it hits. But I take a few deep breaths and pull the muscle taut again. I just keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because what other choice do I have?

But then there are days, days like today, when something happens and the denial muscle snaps and sprains and hangs limp. When I get an early morning phone call telling me that I ONCE AGAIN did not get a job. A job I interviewed for less than twenty-four hours before. An interview that used up four hours of my life, 90 miles' worth of gas, and an hour and a half's worth of patience while I waited around for a second interview that never happened. On those days, everything comes into stark focus and my denial muscle is useless from the effort of holding it all at bay. On those days, I get up in the morning and I make my coffee and I sit on the couch and I just cry.


Major areas of my life are in shambles. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but they all feel pretty broken to me. The biggest and most pressing is the job issue. It has been 422 days since I have worked. Four hundred and twenty-two. (That's longer than it takes to gestate a human baby. Or a horse. But less than an elephant. So, you know, hope...?) I've taken a temp job here and there, I've done two stints as a week-long overnight nanny, and I've house-sat for almost everyone in my church. But I have not held a real nine-to-five-here's-a-paycheck-every-two-weeks-and-also-some-benefits-so-you-don't-die-of-scurvy kind of job in 13 months. And my bank account grows sadly smaller every day.

I have no idea how I'm going to do Christmas this year. I am blessed to have a family that doesn't care about gifts, but it makes me feel so...small...that I can't participate in the simplest things. When we go out to lunch as a family, my father pays the bill with his credit card and everyone hands over cash for their portion. Except for me, because I can't. My parents recently bought themselves a new car and gave me my mother's old one. To replace the one I had been driving, which was my fathers old car. And I can't even afford the insurance on either of these borrowed cars, so they pay that, too. I haven't paid rent to Sister since August. But my family doesn't blink, they just give. They know I'll settle up when things get better. But things aren't getting better. 422 days, you guys.

Another thing that pulls me down and discourages me is my weight. I am heavier than I have ever been in my whole life. I have gained back all of the weight I worked so hard to lose in college. And then some. And then some more. I don't fit into most of my clothes, but I can't really afford to replace them, even if I had the emotional fortitude to go try things on right now. I see new stretch marks in the mirror every day and my ass is the size of Montana. My double ass.

And I KNOW, alright? I know that I have complete control over how much I weigh. I know the simple formula of calories in minus more calories out equals weight-loss. And I have PLENTY OF TIME to exercise, what with the not working ever. That knowledge just makes everything harder, because (and this is going to sound like the giant excuse that it is) I am just so demoralized. I have absolutely no motivation. You'd think the above paragraph would be enough to spur me into activity (and it is, on occasion, for about three days). But it's cold and dark here and food makes me happy. On days when I'm not sure that things are ever going to turn around for me, it's one of the only things that does.

And this leads me directly to the another GIANT VACUUM OF LACK: love, marriage, and children. Because who wants to marry a sad, unemployed, stretch-marked loser who sits on her couch all day? No one, as my experience has taught me. As much as it pains me to admit this, I KNOW I'm not in any frame of mind to be someone's partner, to enter into a deep and meaningful relationship right now. That's probably the hardest part--I am aware of how defeated I have become and I HATE it (see the previous word vomit paragraphs). Obviously, I'm not in the most positive headspace right now. And while there may be men out there who can look beyond a woman's physical appearance to see her inner beauty (which I also feel like I'm lacking), I am pretty sure I'm not going to be turning any heads in my current physical state.

Part of me (the pragmatic, logical part of me) is okay with that, because this is NOT who I want to be in a relationship. But when I get to thinking on a broader scale of where I want my life to be, the thing that comes to the forefront each and every time is that I want to be a wife and mother. I don't want to be an accountant; I don't want to be a graphic designer; I don't want to run for office or fly to the moon. I just want to be someone's wife and someone's mom. I'm not opposed to working (seriously, COME ON, I have been searching for a job for over a year) and I'm not opposed to being a working mom if that's what I need to do. But I was MADE to be a mom. I can feel it in my bones, every time I play with my godkids or hear a funny story about my niece or nephew. The weeks of nannying, while difficult for many reasons, felt like I'd scored an exclusive internships for the top job in my field.

So when I look at my life, I feel a little hopeless. I feel like I can't gain any traction on my weight-loss until I get a job that will take me out of this house and away from the ever-present pantry. And I can't even begin to contemplate putting myself out there romantically until I feel a little bit better about my body. And I can't seem to find a job to save my life. Are you sensing a Cycle of Apathy and Self-Loathing? Yeah, me, too. I feel trapped in limbo and something has got to give soon.


Don't get me wrong. I have SO MANY good things in my life. Compared to some of the stories I read on the internet and things I see on the news, I have it SO GOOD. I have a warm home (despite being unable to pay rent) that has not been damaged by a hurricane or is otherwise unsafe for me to live in. I never have to deal with the exhaustion that comes from dysfunctional family drama or the heartache of loving someone with a chronic or terminal illness (for the most part--we recently discovered that my mother's brain tumor is back, but it's not nearly as terrifying as it sounds and I'll get to that in another post). I, myself, am not suffering from any debilitating health problems; I don't live in chronic pain. And, as much as I want to be a mom, I'm thankful I don't have children that are going hungry because of my financial situation. I am young and healthy and blessed and I will bounce back from this. Eventually.

So I try to focus on those things. I truly do. But on days like this, I can't help but think that those good things don't make the bad things any less bad. It doesn't matter how much worse off someone else is. This sucks! My life is HARD right now, even if it's not as difficult as it could be.

If there's one thing I've learned in this past year, it's that perspective can be a cold comfort. Lots of people want to give me advice right now and, as well-meaning as it can be, it drives me crazy when they tell me it could be worse. Because the comparison game is a two-edged sword. It reveals our blessings, which can be useful for finding our footing in the chaos. But it also serves to artificially downplay our own pain. Which is completely unfair. Because it IS painful. And it's OUR pain, not someone else's. It's happening to US and it's happening RIGHT NOW and it should be okay to say that it HURTS.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there IS a silver lining to this terribly stormy cloud, even if it's hard to see when you're stuck in the rain or feel like you're trapped inside the vapor. And it's NOT perspective, which you probably have plenty of already, and it's not all of the blessings in your life, which I know you're aware of (how could you not be, when they may be all you have left to hold on to?). It's that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And it's okay to say it hurts.

So please, if you're feeling as lost as I am, talk to me. Tell me how hard it's been. Scream and rant and rave in my comment section. I'm hurting, too, and together we might be able to find some light in this darkness. It will get better. I've been told again and again that it will. And I believe it. Most days. But on days like to day, I just need to say that it hurts. And maybe you do, too.

This Whole Post Is Weird

It's been about two weeks since I wrote my last post, in which I promised to "get much more bloggy up in here." Which, A) did I actually say that? What am I, a blogging gangster? and B) who am I kidding? I can't keep my life together enough to make promises like that. But here are a few things that have happened since my last post:

1.     I got hired on as a temporary secretary at my church for two weeks while the real secretary is out of town. And I mostly just say, "Uh, I dunno. She'll be back on the twenty-first..." Well, that AND I'm doing a lot of graphic design stuff, which is so much fun and I think I may have missed my calling. If graphic designers all use Microsoft Publisher and "borrow" images from google. So, no? [A rant about Microsoft Publisher was here, but has been redacted because who the heck cares about my software preferences and also who the heck still uses Publisher?] So, YAY INCOME! For a little while, anyway.

2.     I had a second interview for a job I was very excited about. SPOILER ALERT (because of course there's another shoe needing to drop here): I was my usual Chronically Honest self and, when asked if I saw this as a long-term opportunity, I spewed my Texas plans and my new hippie "I'm going where ever life takes me" philosophy and told them I couldn't guarantee more than a year, although I wanted to stay longer than that. If you're really clueless about how the world works, skip down a little to find out how this ends.

3.     I realized I've forgotten how to be a productive member of society. That was a nice little wake-up call.

4.     My goddaughter was born! She's beautiful and healthy and wonderful and I'm so excited to get to watch her grow. Until I move to Texas. But we're not talking about that today. [A bitter rant about how some women have conceived, gestated, and given birth to whole children in the time I've been unemployed was here, but was also redacted because OOOOH PRETTY BABIES!!!]

5.     I started carrying a concealed handgun. And before you put on your judgey pants or gasp and clutch your pearls, let me explain:

• It is legal for me to do so where I live;
• I have had training on the safe and effective use of handguns;
• My church has recently received some threats and I spend a significant portion of my day alone in the unlocked building (by nature, the church needs to be unlocked). While the danger is probably not very high (the police are involved, nothing new has happened in about three weeks), the threatener is mentally unstable and I'd rather not tango with him unarmed;
• It is concealed so as not to cause a panic or instill fear in the normal church people;
• I have permission of the pastors and elders who run the church;
• I am not the only one in this building armed at any given time on any given day;
• I will not use it unless is it ABSOLUTELY necessary, which is a highly unlikely event. But that's why you carry a gun: to be prepared for that highly unlikely event.

ANYWAY. The reason I bring it up is that this is new and slightly weird. And, while I've always supported the CONCEPT of responsible handgun use, I didn't realize how much it would affect me to carry one. I am suddenly HYPER-AWARE of the deadliness and the social implications of having one on my person or around my house. I have also spent significant time thinking about dangerous scenarios and how I would react (both legally and morally). And then there are the SILLY things. Practical things like how this chunk of metal affects my balance, which clothes I wear, and how I maneuver throughout my day to keep it concealed. I guess what I'm saying is that this is so much more REAL than I thought it would be. Which, duh, of course it is. It's a huge responsibility and you shouldn't take it on without taking into account ALL of the variables and risks, which I believe I have done. What I'm saying is, it's no longer an abstract, cut-and-dry issue to me any more.

And, listen, I'm not really looking to have a politically charged gun discussion, but I DID bring it up, so if you MUST, give it a go. We can get ALL DISCUSSY in the comments, which isn't something that's ever happened here. Not that I'm mentioning this to BE DISCUSSY. Whatever. The bag is empty, the cat's gone, let's do this thing.

6.     I didn't get that job (cue everyone's SURPRISED FACE). And I know I said that if I didn't get it, I'd start looking in Texas and it would be the Lord's way of showing me His path. And I still completely believe that. But. Can I just say how incredibly discouraged and worthless I feel right now, just mere hours after I got the rejection call?

It's been 11 months of unemployment. It's been multiple failed interviews (I count them as failed if I didn't get the job, which is very glass-half-empty-of-me, but there it is). It's been 14 months of looking for a job. It's been THREE YEARS of work-related headaches, heartaches, and walletaches. And it's moments like these that make me ask the ridiculous and self-pitying question: Why doesn't anyone want me?

Tomorrow, I'll start again. Tomorrow, I'll turn my eyes toward Texas. Tomorrow, I will remember the Lord's promise. Today, I just want to look at Him and ask "Why?" and "How much longer?" and take comfort in the fact that He's a big enough God to handle my questions and doubts.

7.     There really isn't a seven, so go ahead and jump in with your comments now. Just know that if you're mean to me about #5, I might cry extra hard because of #6.

Bagels, Beans, Babies, and Beginnings

As you may have noticed, I've been a wee bit absent from the blog in recent months. Now, I could go the whole tongue-in-cheek-I-don't-owe-you-anything-you-are-lucky-to-have-me-whenever-I-am-here route. Or I could go the apologize-apologize-something-self-deprecating-apologize-excuses route. OR I could just get straight to it. For the first time in a VERY long time, I have many, many things to tell you guys, so Option Three it is!

If you follow me on twitter, you might know that I took a trip recently. To Texas! That's right, the Far Northerner took a ten day jaunt into TEXAS in the middle of JULY! Because I don't understand how climate and the SUN work or something.

No, actually, @LEBean (Linnea of Bean on Parade) and her husband @MikeOQuinn invited me to come stay with them for the weekend. You see, Linnea has this amazing story about how she started a Bible study with some girls in college and now (twelve years, a mass move to Texas, marriages, babies later) they are all still doing Bible study together. It's her story to tell, not mine, but suffice it to say that it made me well up just a little about how AWESOME God's plan for us truly is. So, anyway, her Bible study ladies and their husbands were having a mini-retreat and she invited me to come. And then I told twitter I was visiting Texas and apparently HALF of twitter lives within driving distance of Dallas-Fort Worth. So we determined that I needed to stay an extra weekend so that we could also have Jeans @ Beans, the one-day-in-Texas equivalent of PJs@TJ's.

Personally, I prefer to call this trip Bagels @ Beans, since Linnea calls me Bagels (because I have a real name and a blog name AND a twitter handle and it's all kind of a lot to remember). And also because there were MANY bagels eaten while I was there. You see, Linnea was very sneaky and DMed Sister on twitter to find out my coffee and food preferences and then supplied me with my favorites, including, you guessed it, bagels. This alone would have made the trip AWESOME, but there was SO! MUCH! MORE!

First of all: Eleanor. We are all kidding ourselves if we think I went to Texas for Bible studies or blogger reunions or food or to meet a cowboy, although those were also reasons on my list. No, the MAIN reason I went to Texas was to meet The Squnchler. Now, many of you have met babies or even have babies of your own, so it may seem like I'm exaggerating when I talk about how INCREDIBLE Eleanor is. I know, we all think our babies or our relatives' babies or our friends' babies are the best (trust me, I have been through this, too), but Eleanor has to be in the TOP FIVE BEST BABIES OF ALL TIME. I would say she was the best hands down, but I have a Niece and a Godson and OH YEAH A BRAND NEW NEPHEW WHO WAS BORN WHILE I WAS A BEAN'S HOUSE (who I will tell you all about in a different post)! So, you know, Top Five and I will not tell you where they all rank because that's just a little too weird even for me.

Anyway, Eleanor is awesome. I swear I could see the gears moving in her head as she LEARNED! THINGS! right in front of me. And she's beautiful. SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. And such a sweet, happy, loving baby who smiles for every one and just generally makes the world a better place by BEING. And I think that should be everyone's goal in life: make the world better just by being. So really, she's already got life DOWN. And that's pretty incredible in my book.

Now, this is where I went on for several paragraphs doing the play-by-play of my trip with all of the "and then we did this"es and "on this day, we went here"s. But then I realized that that kind of narative is probably only interesting to me and maybe to Linnea and since we were both THERE, it seems a little silly. So deleted it (and gave you... an apparently LONGER VERSION OH WELL) and I'm just going to try to hit the high points.

I spent a lot time just staring at Eleanor/holding Eleanor/playing with Eleanor/putting Eleanor to sleep. The rest of the time (and also often during all of the Eleanoring), I talked non-stop to Linnea. Who was very gracious, even when I talked for what seemed like hours straight (I do this A LOT and would like to, you know, EASE UP, but since this post is already THIS LONG and I'm just starting to get to my point), I think we all know that there's not much hope for me).

They fed me excellent food, including but not limited to Tex-Mex, Chili's (since all of the Chili's in Far North except for the Chili's Too in the airport have CLOSED DOWN BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T MANAGE THEIR MONEY WELL AND WHERE THE HECK AM I GOING TO EAT NOW?!), Sonic, tasty homemade Mustard Chicken, two different kinds of "Three Minute Cobbler," Butternut Squash Ravioli and BAGELS. Oh, and the bread that I taught Linnea how to make. This is by no means an exhaustive list, because I can't remember all the things we ate, but it was all good and I did not by any means starve while I was there. 

The first weekend, we went to Linnea's parents' house for the mini-retreat. We swam in the salt-water pool (and I DIDN'T get sunburned, which is probably the first time in my life sunscreen has worked out for me) and drank margaritas and ate great burgers and had an awesome time of fellowship. I was truly blessed by how easily the group included me and how the women were willing to sit in the hot tub with me while I peppered them with questions about how they met their husbands (in the hope of perhaps institution the same measures myself). We all spent the night and enjoyed a relaxing Sunday talking and laughing while I took turns holding and eventually rocking to sleep all three babies. Because that is my talent in life: putting babies (and probably some adults) to sleep.

Later in the week, the actual Bible Study took place at Linnea's house and the ladies once again treated me like I had always been a part of their group. I'm always so blessed and unnecessarily amazed by the unique common ground that believers share and how easy it is to talk to other believers, regardless of how long we've known each other or where we are in life. I loved LOVED LOVED this time of fellowship and honest conversation.

Throughout the week, I also got to meet many of Linnea's friends from Faire (she and her husband met while participating in their local Renaissance Faire, which is particularly cool in my book), who also welcomed me like I had always been there. This is where I began to wonder: does Linnea have a special talent for finding the most awesome people ever or are Texans in general this amazing? I think I know Linnea's answer, but many of the Texas bloggers might have a different answer. Either way, I love it!

We also went to go see the new Disney-Pixar movie Brave. In 3D. In a dinner theater. I have never a) been to a movie in 3D and b) been to a dinner theater, and c) seen Brave (this one's kind of a no-brainer, but it fit, so whatever). ALL OF THIS WAS WONDERFUL! I think the short at the start of the movie was my favorite part, which is saying something, since I LOVED the movie. I won't say any more, for those who haven't seen it, but I highly recommend it. All of it.

Then there was Jeans @ Beans! In the grand tradition of TJ, there was a Snack Wall. If you don't know about the Snack Wall, well, I feel sorry for you. Go out and buy yourself one of those over-the-door vinyl shoe organizer thingies (the ones with the individual shoe pockets), hang it over your pantry door in your kitchen, and fill each pocket with candy and snacks and goodies. Voila! SNACK WALL. Your mind is kind of blown right now, I can tell. This is the second best invention to come out of the mind of Temerity Jane (the first being the Living Room Bed, of course).

And while the Snack Wall is a thing of wonder, the BEST part of Jeans @ Beans was KAMMAH! And MEGAN! And THE OTHER MEGAN (who is also known as BEYLIT)! And TARA and ERIANA! And JULIE! It was perfectly size gathering to keep the conversation flowing without being overwhelming or missing anything. It was fun and chaotic and not nearly long enough. We had candy and babies and Linnea's husband in a kilt (he performs Irish dance and has an Irish Folk band, so it's as out-of-the-blue as it might sound). And the whole day was like having the Internet in Linnea's living room. I'm certain this is not the last time I will see most of these ladies, since hosting the Internet in your living room is becoming the THING for a lot of us (a THING that I love and didn't even know how much I wanted/needed in my life) and I'm pretty sure both PJs@TJ's and Jeans @ Beans will happen again in the future.

So! FIFTEEN HUNDRED words later: I'm sure I've forgotten all kinds of things and I could write at least 1500 more words on Eleanor alone, but I have to stop somewhere. It was an excellent trip and an amazing experience. I enjoyed the people and even the climate (109's a little hot for me, but I think I adapted pretty well). And I'm just going to dump a small secret here for those of you who stuck with it and read this far: I've been praying and agonizing and pro-and-conning and researching and talking with my family and... I'm pretty sure that the Lord asking me to move to Texas. [That noise you just heard? That was Kammah's head exploding.]

Nothing is official yet and there are still many many MANY things that need to align for me to actually make the move, but I truly believe that God is leading me toward Texas. So I'm about to begin the process of looking for a job in the DFW area and seeing which doors God opens for me. If you are of the praying persuasion, please pray for me as I make this incredibly difficult and exhilarating decision. And keep checking back here--I plan to get much more bloggy up in here now that things are actually happening in my life again.

What My Cover Letters Are Really Telling You

Dear Hiring Manager,

My name is Elise Seaton (Well, no, it's not actually, but for the purposes of this blog post? Sure!) and I am interested in the open position of [ANYTHING EVER I DON'T CARE I NEED MONEY OMG]. My background with both [Crazy] and [Hostile] offices, along with my Bachelor of Arts degrees in [Highly Unmarketable Liberal Art] and [Useless But Important Sounding Quasi-Business Thingy], give me a unique skill set that would serve this position well.

My educational background makes me incredibly qualified to [sit on my yoga-panted rear and occasionally pass a standardized test]. I graduated Summa Cum Laude (Seriously, I know I'm acting like these degrees mean something other than "I paid close to $200,000 for these two pieces of paper to hang on my wall and they didn't even come with frames." I know no one is really fooled. But could you at least nod impressively while quietly dismissing four years of "hard" work? Thanks.), a full year ahead of schedule. During that time, I learned how to [BS really well], [play solitaire on Roommate's laptop while pretending to take notes], and [pass the aforementioned standardized tests].

My work experience has taught me [a lot of unnecessary lessons in the depths of the corruption of humanity and the things people will do to cover their own butts]. (You may have noticed a discrepancy in my dates of unemployment. I was unemployed for a 6 month stretch in 2010 and am once again unemployed for almost the same amount of time. I, uh... used that time for... traveling? Yes. I traveled. And did... VOLUNTEER WORK? And I also took time for educational pursuits, such as catching up on every episode of ANY SHOW EVER. It was very beneficial, let me tell you...)

I worked for [Crazy Boss Lady] for nine months (That is MUCH longer than you might think), during which time I gained experience in managing [hostile work and living situations], accepting responsibility [for projects and mistakes that belonged to other coworkers] (I think the experts call this "maintaining flexibility in a synergistic and collaborative work environment" or something), and researching [the best free coffee in the building]. I used my strong interpersonal skills to [unintentionally infuriate my boss on any number of occasions for reasons passing both our understandings] (mine because I couldn't figure out how to avoid pissing her off and hers because her understanding was about as extensive as a chihuahua's). If you would like a reference from that time period, please contact [ANYONE ELSE who worked in the building at the time, but please don't ask her. I have no idea what she would say, but it probably wouldn't be good. If she even remembers me...].

[After I took a nice long break for self-improvement] (see also: therapy and crying myself to sleep), I began work with [Big Jerk Boss Man]. This position required me to develop and maintain [a thick skin], to schedule and coordinate meetings for [the express purpose of public embarrassment] (his own or mine, it was always a toss up), and to liaise with other members of our organization to determine the accrual of [gossip, rumors, and slander]. References inquiries can be directed to [Conniving Ladder-Snatcher, as Big Jerk Boss Man died this week]. (Look, I don't really know what the rules are when your former boss dies and reaches a sudden and unexpected "beloved" status in your industry and you're still unemployed because you could no longer work for his soul-sucking office. It all feels a little... yucky. But a girl needs to eat, so where does that leave me?)

My skills and abilities include: efficiently and accurately meeting deadlines (if eating an entire pint of ice cream before the end of an episode of Castle qualifies), quickly assimilating [useless] data (Does anyone just NEED to know the presidents in order, forwards or backwards, with their first names? Then I'm your girl!), attempting new challenges with little or no supervision (last month I fixed our ice machine all by myself just by yanking on stuff until it made noise), developing strategies to [whisper babies], creating and modifying [but not FINISHING works of fiction], multi-tasking by [crying quietly in the corner of an office while also filing and answering phones], and determining the [absolute WORST working situations].

My background and education, along with my interpersonal skills, make me uniquely qualified to work for your organization. I believe that, given the opportunity to work with you, I could help your organization influence our community toward a better tomorrow (Or something a little less over the top. Okay, can we just agree that not having been to the dentist in years and running out of money to pay my student loans is reason enough to want this job?). Thank you for taking the time to review my credentials. I look forward to speaking to you personally regarding the position of [I NEED SOME MONEY]. Please contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Elise Seaton
[GIRL WITH LITTLE OR NO HOPE OF GETTING ANOTHER JOB EVER]


PS I'm pretty sure I'm going to get employment related spam over this, so if you're a hiring manager of any sort in any kind of industry in any part of the country, please, for the love of God, take pity on me and hire me?

CAPSLOCKTRAINWRECK

Today was a weird day. And usually, this kind of weirdness would make for excellent blog fodder. Except that this weirdness is SO WEIRD that I’ve been asked to keep it confidential. And not like, “Hey, Elise… Could you, maybe, keep this between us?” kind of confidential. More like “This is a legally binding confidentiality agreement that stops just short of you SIGNING DOCUMENTS saying as much.” So… this whole paragraph just served the same purpose as me holding cookie in front of your nose and not allowing you to eat it. That was… unkind… and not entirely intentional. Sorry.

 BUT! On my way to do the thing I cannot tell you about even thought I really want to, something weird happened that I CAN tell you about. I stopped for some food (this is not the weird thing, please be patient). At Wendy’s. And while that was a bad decision (hey, it’s Tuesday, what can I say?), especially if I want to stop looking like an Oompa Loompa, it is ALSO not the weird thing. The weird thing was that the car ahead of me contained none other than the Conniving Ladder-Snatcher of a Former Co-Worker and her incredibly stupid and co-dependent dog named Buddy (seriously, he goes EVERYWHERE with her, including work, where he sits sadly in her car all day waiting for her to come back and LOVE HIM OH GOD PLEASE LOVE HIM!).

And the thing I was on my way to do, the weird thing I can’t talk about? WAS ABOUT MY LAST JOB! In a rather roundabout way and I’ve probably already said too much, but it was really WEIRD! I haven’t seen her since my last day, during which she said less than ten words to me and tried to pretend she hadn’t thrown me under the bus with my former boss. And then, out of the blue, I have to go do this THING, this THING I can’t tell you about but wish I could. This THING that relates to her and my job and ALL THE THINGS I CAN NEVER TALK ABOUT. This thing I was not looking forward to DOING. Which is already weird, the way THAT all came about. And then? WHO HAPPENS TO BE AT WENDY’S? Victimpants McLiarson, in the flesh. Fleshy flesh.

Luckily, I don’t think she saw me. Because at the last second, I allowed a truck to go ahead of me, so there was a VEHICLE BUFFER between us. But it was STILL WEIRD. And there is no way she could have known what I was on my way to do. And it’s not like she would have gotten out of her car and tried to make conversation with me or anything. NOTHING would have happened if she had seen me. She probably would have pretended that she HADN’T seen me. And I’m completely overreacting and I am AWARE and I am overreacting. But STILL. IT’S JUST WEIRD, RIGHT? For me to see her on the SAME DAY as this other THING? Maybe? Slightly odd? Somewhat notable?

This blog post has gone nowhere. Or, nowhere good. At best, none of this makes sense to anyone but me (and even then, I’m not so sure). At worst, I just breached an ORAL CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT or something equally terrible. Except you have no idea what I’m talking about. SO…. Anyway… I’m just going to go whistling in the opposite direction of the Internet and pretend I did not just create a CAPSLOCKTRAINWRECK on my blog.

How’s your day going?