It's been a long time since I posted much of anything here, but it's definitely been awhile since I updated anything about my life in general. Life is really hard right now. I'm learning to count my blessings and focus on the good things and to struggle well. But life is pretty tough right now.
I'm looking for a new job. Again. I don't know why I've been walking in circles since I graduated college or why I need to experience same frustrations in every job I take, but apparently there's some lesson the be learned here. I really hope I learn it soon.
This job has been difficult form the start and just keeps getting harder. I hesitate to say anything too specific here because the last time I wrote about a boss, he read it and I feel quite a bit of shame for how it must have hurt him. It was the truth, but it was also angry and bitter and unkindly put. So, if there's one lesson I've learned, it's to be kinder on this blog. And the kindest way to put this is that I am not a good fit for this ministry and this ministry is not a good fit for me. There are many things that could change and would make my life a lot easier and make this place much more pleasant, but there is little chance of that happening right now, so I'm looking for a new place to be.
Job hunting is awful. It just is. I don't know of anyone who has enjoyed this process. I have been on three in-person interviews and countless phone interviews. I have been assessed and judged and found wanting again and again. Many people never even contact me again, which is disheartening and rude. Note to Hiring Managers: if we've had a face-to-face conversation, it's not too much to ask for an email or a phone call saying "No, thank you." Also, if you elect not to hire me and say some pretty tough things in the rejection, perhaps you should not, in the same paragraph, ask me to like you on Facebook. Just a thought.
Anyway, here's a snapshot: I went on an interview this last Friday that was...a frustrating waste of time. The job was a technical editor position for a microchip manufacturing firm. Now, obviously, this is a highly specialized and technical place and describing what they do might bore certain people. But when the guy in charge of MARKETING the firm sounds bored when explaining the job to me, that's not a good sign. Also the online job description and the job described at the interview were significantly different from one another and my resume no longer fit what they were looking for. The whole time, the interviewer and the HR person acted like they had no idea why I was there. YOU called ME, people.
As I was leaving this disappointing meeting, I discovered my first grey hair. If you'd asked me before that day what I thought about grey hair, I would have shrugged and said something about natural aging is beautiful and I should own it and maybe worrying about it is a little vain (but not in a judgey way). Instead, I burst into tears. I don't actually care about my hair. I'm blond enough that it wasn't really obvious and it will be a long while before the grey outnumber the blond and becomes noticeable. It was the juxtaposition of feeling very lonely and wondering if I was ever going to meet someone one and feeling ridiculously self-conscious about the fact that I'm 27 and I've never been kissed AND grey hair that made it so difficult. So, first grey hair before first kiss. That felt good.
Anyway, I've been feeling pretty down lately. Work is hard, hour by hour. There is less and less freedom in my workplace and more and more frustration. My favorite coworker resigned last week to go have her baby, which is fraught with many layers of sadness for me. I go home to an empty one bedroom apartment I can barely afford. And no one seems to want to hire me.
I don't have an ending for this post that is hopeful. I don't have it in me today. This is where I am, learning to struggle well. I'm frequently asking myself the question "If this is all there is, is God enough?" And if I'm being really honest, right now the answer is "not really." I'm getting there. I want Him to be enough. But today, I'm feeling pretty discontented. I want to believe this will get better, but there are no guarantees in life. This life I'm living is by no means awful. It's just less than I thought I would have. Which is, admittedly, a very entitled way of looking at the world. Again, there are no guarantees in this life, so I wasn't even promised this much. On my better days, I'm grateful for even this much. I'm trying to make today one of those days.