Weigh In: Weary and Discouraged

I gained again this week. It's only 0.4 pounds. Still. This is SO frustrating. I should admit right up front that I really didn't track this last week, so I have very little ground to stand on. But I did not over eat. I am sure of it. There are days I left points on the table at the end of the night and there are days I went over, but there's no way I used ALL my daily points AND my weekly points.

I weigh in at home before I go to my meeting, so that I don't get blindsided in front of strangers and end up crying like a baby. Usually, the home scale is ever so slightly lower than the WW scale-- at most 1 pound different. After the week of NO RULES I'd allowed myself to have, I was prepared for not great news when I stepped on the home scale. BUT! As it had all week (I occasionally weight myself before my shower in the morning), it showed me at about 278 or 279--it's an analog, so it's kind of hard to tell (probably the reason for the difference from the WW scale) . I was kind of surprised, but it reinforced my long-held nebulous wondering that I wasn't getting enough calories a week and maybe that's why I hadn't been losing. So I headed off to WW.

I did not change clothing. I did not eat or drink anything. I did not dive into a pool and show up soaking wet. I got in the car, drove two miles, walked into my meeting less than 30 minutes later, and weighed in at 282.2 lbs. That's a HUGE difference. And incredibly disheartening.

I did not stay for the meeting. Maybe I should have. I'm paying for it after all. And they say those who attend the meetings are something like three times more likely to lose weight (or lose three times more weight? I can't remember) that those who go it alone. So not staying for the meeting on a day I gained may have been a bad choice. It's that old adage--when you don't want to the most, that's when you need to. But I find that when I DO stay when I've gained, all I do is sit in the back and fume and try not to cry and silently nit-pick the leader's advice (which is not always sound or conforming to the program's statements). So, it seemed incredibly unproductive to stay. And I didn't want to, anyway.

I got myself a Starbucks on the way home as consolation and they got my order right this time, which is good since I was purchasing it with the coupons they sent me from the time they got it wrong. That cheered me up a little. And baby smiles when I got home helped a lot, too. Putting on my too large jeans did not hurt either. By the time I left to go look at the apartment (more on that another day), I was feeling mostly okay.

I'm just so...weary of this program and this process right now. I know that not doing anything is NOT an option--that's how I found 300 on my scale for the second time in my life. But this isn't really working for me, either. At $42.95 a month plus my $19 gym membership? It's just not feeling that worth it to me. I think I'm going to change plans to Online Only, which was working for me back in December in Far North. It's cheaper than what I'm doing now and I think it will be a lot less angst. My mom bought me a fancy new digital scale while she was here and I'll just weight myself at home every Friday instead of driving to the Disappointment Palace in the middle of my Friday morning to see a woman I have trouble respecting right now. Ugh, I just wish this were easier.

Anyone have any words of encouragement for me today? I'm kind of struggling.