7.14.2011

A Letter to My Future Husband, Who Is Late

Dear Future Husband,

We haven’t met yet. I’m not sure why, but we haven’t. Or if we have, I missed it, so we’ll need to do it again. And I don’t know where you are or why you’re not here exactly, but we need to talk. Because… I need you in my life. I don’t know if you can miss someone you’ve never met, but I know that you’re missing from my life. And that sucks. And it’s your fault. I know I’ve probably not put myself out there enough and I’m really shy when I meet men, which makes it hard to get anywhere in a relationship. But I’m still blaming you (get used to it; it’s going to happen a lot…).


The basic fact is this: I’m ready to be married. Sure, there are things I’ll need to learn along the way (things that I can probably only learn by doing, anyway), but I really think I’m ready. Which means it must be you who’s not ready. I’ve always prayed for the Lord to send me a man, not a boy. So you must be off somewhere, acting like a boy. Stop it. Seriously—shut off the Xbox, put some pants on, and get a job. And then come find me. Thanks.

You’ll be glad you did, because I’m a pretty awesome girl. I have my flaws (And if I get started listing them, I could talk for quite a while. But that’s not sexy or interesting, so I won’t go there. You’re supposed to love me regardless, remember?). But what girl isn’t flawed? I bet you’ve got quirks, too. And I’ll either love you for them or get used to them. So instead of focusing on flaws (like how late you are), I’m going to tell you how amazing I am and why it would be good for you to marry me. Because I’m self-less and giving like that. Or something.

Anyway, just some of the reasons you want to marry me:
  1. I love Jesus. I know you do, too. I think you’ll agree it’ll be a much easier marriage if we believe the same things. And I’ll do my best to live like Jesus, which means I’m not going to be mean to you or cheat on you or otherwise make your life more difficult. And I’ll help you raise our kids to love Jesus, which means we’re less likely to have to stage drug interventions for our 22-year-old son or take in our grandchildren when we’re only 37. No guarantees or anything, because sometimes crap happens. But I think that me loving Jesus will make your life better.
  2. I make awesome foccacia bread. One bite of this bread and I think you’ll agree that you need to spend the rest of your life with me so I can make it for you all the time. Plus, I’m a pretty good cook all around. I’ve stopped lighting food on fire and I’ve only once served raw chicken at a dinner party. And that was years ago. I make ridiculously amazing cookies (Okay, so it’s Sister-In-Law’s recipe and who can’t follow a recipe? But still…). And I know how to grill and I make my own soup sometimes. So, to sum up: you’ll be well fed. And what man doesn’t want that?
  3. It would be really nice to have a second income, so that if one of us needs to quit our job or one of us ends up getting fired by a crazy, misogynistic, grumpy, unreasonable, irrational megalomaniac (ahem… not that this is a realistic scenario… at all…), then the other one’s job can keep us afloat for a few months. Right now, we’re both alone, so if one of us loses our job, we’re screwed. Plus, we’re both spending money on rent and food and other things that would be cheaper if we were together. And I don’t require expensive gifts or spend much money on myself. This is not to say that I’m cheap (because I’m priceless and don’t you forget it!), but I am inexpensive. Which is not the same thing. I don’t think. Anyways, marrying me would save you money.
  4. That whole sex thing. I’d like to try it out. I’ve heard it’s fun. But since I’ve made a promise to wait until I’m married and I have no intention of breaking it (which you totally get, because you’re that kind of man), I kind of need you to show up and marry me. I think the benefits to you are self-explanatory on this one.
  5. I’m great with children. And I want a lot of them. Now, some men would find this daunting, but since you’re the kind of man who would shut off a video game, put pants on, and get a job for me, I know you’ll also be the kind of guy who wants a family and will be a great dad. And I’m willing to give you all the kids you want. Not only are kids hilarious and a joy to have in your life (most days), but they also have this knack for living longer than their parents, which means we’ll have someone to take care of us when we’re old. So if you marry me, you’ve got a built in retirement plan.
  6. I give great foot massages. And even though I can talk a lot (especially when I’m nervous or really excited about something), I’m totally cool with comfortable silence. Which means that I can be a pretty relaxing person to be with. I have pretty simple desires for my day, like staying home with a good book or cuddling on the couch with a movie. I won’t demand that we go out and do stuff with other people (but we can if you want), so if you have a stressful day at the office, you can just come home to me and I’ll take good care of you. This may include feeding you even when you’re not hungry, but, all in all, I think this is a good deal for you.
  7. My family rocks! We may get loud and chaotic sometimes, but we’re not dysfunctional or chock-full of drama, so we’re a fun bunch to hang out with. Which means that if your family lives far away, is small, or is actually dysfunctional, you’ll have a second family right away. You’ll have to learn to like the loudness and the chaos or become loud and chaotic with us, but really the blessing outweighs the responsibility.
  8. I can write with my toes. So if we’re ever caught in a hostage situation in which our hands are tied and writing a note will save us, I’ve totally got us covered. In my opinion, this is a skill that more men should be looking for in a wife. But most don’t. Which means you’ve found something rare and you should hold on to it.
All I demand in exchange for these amazing benefits (and the many more I didn’t list), is that you show up soon and love me forever. Really, that’s not too much to ask, is it? No, I didn’t think so. Remember: End video game, find pants, get job, show up, love me forever. I’ll be here, waiting, like I have been for more than two decades. Your move.

Love,

Your Future Wife, Elise

39 comments:

  1. If I were a man I'd totally marry you. As long as the only pants I have to wear are pajama pants, cuz those are comfy and stuff.

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  2. If you were a man, I would marry you, too. Wait, does that count as getting married on the Internet? Eh, I'd be cool with it. And pajama pants are fine, as long as I'm allowed, too.

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  3. Aww. This is sweet. I used to write letters to my future husband too. And I think it IS possible to miss someone when you haven't met them yet. God is working--meanwhile, keep your sense of humor. Loved how you told him to get off the Xbox :)

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  4. I love this! I agree with you on points 2,4 and 5.

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  5. Unfortunately, I don't have this problem. And I don't mean that in a "IN YO FACE" kind of way. I just have a line of men waiting to be with me, unfortunately because they want the sex, not the relationship. I know you are very religious, and I respect that. But the problem is, most men nowadays are not the "I love Jesus so I can totally wait for sex" kind of men. In fact, it seems as though if you make them wait more than 4 dates they don't want you.

    My friend Marc was "with" this awesome girl, and she was pretty stellar, I thought. But they were only together for a couple weeks before he decided she was too prude. Sadly, I think he made a big mistake because the girl he's "with" now is a skankity-skank-skank. Blegh.

    I guess what I'm TRYING to say, is that if you can get a man to wait til marriage, you found the right one. ;)

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  6. Dear Elise's Future Husband:
    Dude! Goldmine here that you are missing out on! The bread alone is a huge selling point, but that's just the icing on the cake here buddy! A darn fine cake too! So get with it!
    Sincerely,
    Someone who wrote a very similar letter in a less public way not that many years ago

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  7. This is one of the most beautiful (albeit sarcastic) and witty things I have every read. He is out there. Keep looking. Keep the faith...we are all praying he finds you soon!

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  8. This may be my fault. Since you and Sister were very little, I have been praying for Mr. Right to come along only when he IS Mr. Right, so apparently he is not ready yet. I have no idea what is taking him (and Sister's him) so long, but I am trusting he is going to be perfect for you when he appears. And I am pretty sure foccacia is already his favorite.

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  9. I had a pastor once who really liked to imitate boy-men with the phrase, "Uh... What? I dunno... Where are my pants?" And he also made fun of World of Warcraft. Not that all people who play it are dumb, but there are some really dumb boy-men in that game. :)

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  10. I hesitated to post #4. But I figure blogging is all about honesty, even when it's uncomfortable or unpopular. So I did it. I'm kinda glad I did.

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  11. This is one of the main reasons I'm single. Because he's going to ahve to be pretty special. Now, I'm not a prude per se, because like #4 says--I want it and I'm pretty sure I'll like it. But it's too important to me to waste on someone who is not fully committed. And I'm pretty sure if he's not okay with waiting, he and I are going to disagree on a lot of other things, too. Possibly even #1...

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  12. I love you! Seriously, if you see him, head slap him a little for me, okay? And post the letter. It'll be fun for em to see how other people approach this issue.

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  13. I try to balance the "real life" weighty issues (or the super sappy feelings I have for the people I love) with some humor or sarcasm. It's another one of the services I offer. ;)

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  14. It IS your fault, Mom. I blame you. And Papa. Becuase he's the best example of a husband, outside of fiction or cinema, that I've ever seen. Which means my standards are very high. And it's all your fault. If I end up alone, you only have yourself to blame. But I'll take all the credit if you edup with an awesome son-in-law. ;)

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  15. Jide Aderinwale7/16/11, 9:57 AM

    First guy to comment! Yes! I saw your link on SCL and clicked on it. The letter is amazing, I was surprised by number 4 because I always assumed the opposite sex don't talk or think about that kind of stuff till they get married. I think I counted 4 talents in the letter, and I am sure you were trying to be modest and not list more. Your Mr Right is no doubt going to find all those attractive.

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  16. came here in the link from SCL...You are awesome! I wish more people felt this way. It breaks my heart how even in the church people are forgetting the importance of this, and relegating it to the category of "recreational behavior" instead of the God given life changing connection with your spouse and only your spouse that it was intended to be. Stay strong...not only is worth the wait, but you'll be so very glad you did! That is not a connection I would want to share with anyone other than the man I'm spending my life with. I pray God blesses your faithfulness!

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  17. YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME!!! I loved this post, and I love that you love Jesus!! So unbelievably funny and witty. I'm telling all my peeps to follow you!!!

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  18. How in the hell do you have 17 comments but only 10 followers (including ME)????? FOLLOW HER NOW!!!!!!!

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  19. Brynne Delerson7/17/11, 1:41 PM

    I really loved this letter and your humor. Your future husband is super lucky :)
    I came over here from SCL and now I'm checking out your blog, because it looks like you are my kind of person!
    ~ Brynne

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  20. I am a mom of 3 sons and 1 daughter (one son is married) and I have been praying for their future spouses their whole lives (BTW...I'm currently praying for that "perfect one" for the oldest son who is also ready). Like your mom, I have prayed that my children will stand firm in their convictions, remain pure until marriage, and wait for God's perfect mate. Don't settle for anything less! I want to applaud you for your patience (even when it gets hard), and for your humor in waiting. Believe me...when you finally meet him it will have been worth the wait! It sounds like he will be gaining a jewel too! Loved your post, and I will send up a prayer that he will "wake up and smell the coffee to eat with some foccacia bread" real soon! ~Blessings Always~

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  21. another SCL visitor, great blog!

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  22. I totally agree with you! And I also have quite a few self-image issues. So I can't imagine sharing that part of myself with someone other than my husband--he's going to ahve to love me unconditionally for me to get naked in front of him. SO there's a whole other level of complexity to it for me. But at the same time, I think that's why God asks this of us: it's for our own good to experience this in a safe, loving, stable relationship with absolute commitment to one another.

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  23. It's nice to have some men-folk around the blog. Welcome! Thanks for stopping by.

    I think it's interesting (and kind of funny) that you think women (or maybe just Christian women) don't think about sex before marriage. We do. We absolutely do. And maybe we even do more than some Chrsitian men. Because for us, it's not just about the physical, it's so much about the emotional/mental thing of being accpeted and loved regardless of all the flaws that society and sin have taught us to see in ourselves. Plus, we get told eough by the world and by the media that we *should* be doing it that we think about the reasons we're not and what it will be like when we finally do.

    Wow, I jsut re-read this and I come off kind of... preachy. Sorry. If this sounds ranty or raving or anything else, please don't take it that way. I'm actually just interested to hear how Christian men think of Christian women. Please stick around. I promise I'll leave my soapbox at home next time. ;)

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  24. Yvonne, I love you. You are hilarious! Thanks for shilling my blog--I'm too self-concisous to do it myself, but I really like it when you do it. :)

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  25. Thanks, Brynne! I'm glad you're sticking around. I hope I live up to the hype! ;)

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  26. How old is this son of yours who is ready? I joke! But only a little...
    Thanks for the encouragement. I had no idea when I started this blog that I would find such amazing people who say such nice things! I appreciate the prayers and will send some up about your kids, too!

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  27. David Copperfield7/18/11, 10:01 PM

    This son, who is ready, is almost 24. Yes, my mom (razy4kidz) sent me a link to your blog (specifically this post). Since I happen to be home on leave, the reading aloud of this particular post at the dinner table brought forth tears of laughter. It truly is refreshing (qualifies for the "2011 Understatement of the Year" award) to see a young Christian woman with strong values, a tender heart, a healthy sense of humor and the... the ability to write with her toes. ;-)

    My favorite scripture which has kept me going through tough times is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

    Stay strong, keep smiling, be patient and above all else, keep your eyes on the Lord.

    Sincerely

    David Copperfield
    (not my real name, but my favorite Dickens character)

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  28. A) If I didn't know better, I would've thought that your letter was written by any one of several of my friends (yes, even the toe-writing bit).
    B) I'm dense and oblivious. My friends and I have a joke of "Things My Friends Will Need to Tell My Future Husband". One of the things they'll have to do is whack him upside the head with a 2x4. And then they'll probably havee to do the same to me. :)

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  29. Recap of your top 5: Jesus, Foccacia, Money, Sex, Sperm. Simplifying often makes things more humorous, don't you agree? ;)

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  30. Technically, since it's about what HE gets out of marrying me, it would be: Jesus, Food, Money, Sex, and Ova. But either way, pretty funny!

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  31. A friend posted a link to this post on facebook. You write so well and everything you write engages your readers. I hope more women could read this letter to your future husband. I'm sure this will encourage and inspire them.

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  32. I owe the Sarcasm Goddess some thanks & props for sending me your way, 'cause I'm loving this. And though as a gal, I'm not your man, I just might have to grab you if I'm ever grabbed, 'cause seriously, someone who can write with their toes could get me out of quite a jam! :>

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  33. You're so cute, lady. I'll keep my eyes open. Although I might be in the wrong part of the world...but I'll keep 'em open. Mad love and support.

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  34. Momma Teacher Lady8/13/11, 4:06 PM

    Love it!

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  35. Love, Love! Totally funny, cute, honest, and quirky! THANKS! :)

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  37. Did I write this letter??? HILARIOUS!! I am 30 and still saving myself as well :)

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  38. Hey beautiful! !have you found him yet???

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    Replies
    1. Nope. So that's....fun. Still praying for him to buy a watch, though. So he can know the time? And figure out he's late? Ha? I'm not so good at the singleness humor today.

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