Watch Your Feet, There Are Serpents Everywhere

[The following is an excerpt from a conversation between Sister and I, in the car home from Sister-In-Law's house tonight. I wish I could tell you this is an odd conversation (and I guess it is to most people), but it's pretty run-of-the-mill for us. I like to keep you guys informed about the reality of my life. This is why I love Sister and cannot live without her. She gets me. I hope you do, too, but I'm not holding my breath...]

Why I Missed Sister, in One Act

Sister: That was a small creature that just scurried across the road. I don't know what it was.

Me: I saw it. I'm going to guess "Three-Legged Serpent"

Sister: ...Alright...

Me: He has sixty-four toes. You figure out the distribution, I'm too tired.

Sister: Okay...

Me: ...

Sister: Six and six and fifty-two on the last one.

Me: Yep. Exactly.

Sister: The back left has the fifty-two. The front left and the back right each have six.

Me: So there's just a place holder on the front right?

Sister: You said "Three-Legged." I assumed that meant there used to be four and he lost one.

Me: Well that's a silly assumption. Serpents don't usually come with legs at all, so the default is not four.

Sister: Some believe the serpent had legs before the fall of man.

Me: Yes. But this one didn't. He has two in front and one in back. Like airplane tires, but backward. And he kinda scurries in front and hops in back.

Sister: ...Oh...

Me: He also has seven ears...

Sister: With fringes. But only on six of them.

Me: The seventh is in the middle of his forehead. The fringed ones go down his back like dinosaur spikes.

Sister: That's fine, they're merely decorative anyways.

Me: Of course.

Sister: It's on account of all the glitter.

Me: Well, only the males have glitter.

Sister: ...

Me: The females have full-on sequins.

Sister: Nah... I think the men need to be flashier than the females.

Me: Yeah... That's why they have a strobe light on their tongue.

Sister: Ah...

Me: Get it? C'mon. You gotta give me credit for the "flashy" thing.

Sister: Sure...

Me: ...

Sister: Hey, you'll be very proud of me. I went to Barnes & Noble today and didn't buy any books.

Me: You know I am not opposed to you buying books.

Sister: Yes, but my bank account is.


MC: This has been another installment of Conversations with Sister, a series of one act plays performed live every day. These plays are not for the faint of heart or the rational of mind, so you may feel queasy, dizzy, and/or disoriented when the curtain falls. There are medics on hand for just such emergencies. Please make your way to the back of the theater in an orderly fashion and please don't step on Ricardo, our roving Three-Legged Serpent. He's in league with the alligators, but has capitulated to a guarded truce. So please don't anger him.

[Bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in the title. No, Sister, you can't play.]


  1. YES! See, I have these conversations with my best friend and my boyfriend calls them "Unicorn flying out your butt" stories. Totally realistic, until blown out of proportion. :)

  2. Um, I'm going to go with Snakes on a Plane?

  3. Ha! Unicorns and butts! I'm so 12 years old! :)

  4. Actually, it's a Friends quote. The real quote is, "Watch your feet, there are bugs everywhere!" Sister and I are chronic Friends quoters. You'll see it here a lot if you know to look. And now you do. I'm sorry in advance.

  5. I. LOVE. YOU. I believe that last part merits a TURN SIGNAL!

    Also, I googled "watch your step, there are serpents everywhere" and the link to your blog popped up for all results on two pages. I then proceeded to remove the quotation marks and the link to your blog popped up for all results on three pages!

  6. This is familiar, no? We have these conversations all the time! And yes, the last one was a definite TURN SIGNAL, but with the two of us (you and I or Sister and I), we pretty much don't need them. We have intuitive TURN SIGNAL sensors, kind of like ESP.