Physics, Inevitable Physics

I broke my bed this weekend.

And before you all start in on the fat jokes or the sexual innuendos, just listen to the story. The story in which 1. I am fat and 2. I hate physics and 3. No sex takes place (so if that’s the kind of story you’re looking for, you know, don’t waste your time).

Last Saturday night, Sister and I stayed up really late at Sister-In-Law’s house. Sister-In-Law has been asked to play piano and lead worship at an upcoming Christian ladies retreat. Sister-In-Law is nervous about this because she’s only been playing piano for a little over a year, so Sister went over to help figure out all the musical nuances and harmonies and compositions and all those other musical things that I pretend to understand, but really I’m just glad if I’m in the right key for more than 50% of the song. So. Sister helped musically and I helped. Not at all. But eventually, we realized that USUALLY when they sing, I get on a computer and put together a media presentation. It’s how I compensate for my faulty vocal cords. So Sister-In-Law handed me a computer and I went to town.

We were having fun singing. Oh, I was singing alright. Not well, but I was still singing. And then Brother came home. Now, Brother is an executive for a store that closes at 11:00 pm. So, if Brother is home after all of the closing duties and whatnot, it’s verrrrrrry late. By the time we got home, it was way past my bedtime. This is all pretty pointless setup to tell you that when I woke up on Sunday for church, I was tired. Like: could-barely-force-myself-to-roll-out-of-my-bed-this-“getting-up”-concept-is-not-even-an-option kind of tired. But I did. Because rolling out of bed would have caused some pretty severe bodily harm. I managed to open my eyes long enough to find some clothes that didn't clash too badly.

And I went to church. We even got there a few minutes before rehearsal. Sister and I high-fived. If you have met us, you understand what a triumph this can be. I spent the next five hours working, running around, and being “alert” which is something I would rather not be and so I put it in quotes.

After a rehearsal, two services, and endless socializing, Sister and I headed home, since no one really wanted to go to lunch with us. We’re pariahs or something. Okay, no. Not really. Brother and Sister-In-Law went to her parents’ house. Mom and Dad had food in a crockpot that was not enough for four. We don’t really have any other friends. Crap, we’re back to being pariahs. Anyway, moving on.

[By this point, you’re wondering why I’m telling you all of this and how the heck this relates to my broken bed and my fatness and physics and why I’ve been gone for over a week with no posts and barely a tweet and why this is the thing I’ve waited all this time to tell you and I really have no answers except for this next part, so listen up or you will have read almost five hundred words for nothing and that would be a shame.]

We got home and determined that the TIRED completely outweighed the HUNGRY. We decided to have a nap for lunch. Mmmm… yummy. I wandered around the hallway between the bathroom and my bedroom, taking off my jewelry and chatting at Sister, who had already made it into her bed because she is a napping expert. There was a lull in the conversation and I was ready for my nap, so I caled out, “Okay, well… I’m crashing!” to let Sister know that I would be in my room with the door closed in case she felt like continuing the conversation and talked and I wasn’t there, which would result in her feeling silly and/or frustrated with my lack of answer and nobody likes to feel that way, so I warned her.

Remember I yelled out “I’m crashing?” as in a colloquialism for “laying down in my bed and going to sleep”? Well, Sister and I are very literal people. So she yelled back, “3! 2! 1! CRASH!!!!” Hearing the countdown and knowing intuitively where she was going with it, I timed my steps to my bed to correspond and when she yelled “CRASH!!!!” I did. And so did my bed.

I thought it would be more of a flop. I’ve flopped into this bed before with no negative results. But I guess I was feeling exuberant that day. Or more likely, my recent weight-gain combined with the angle of my shoulder and also, you know, PHYSICS. 

Long story (and I am aware of how needlessly looooooong this story truly is) still pretty long, at least one, if not two slats, in my box spring are busted. So now the mattress sags in the center of the one end.

Right after it happened, I tried laying there for a moment, praying I hadn't jsut broken it and also knowign that my head was lower than my feet. So, you know. That prayer was answered pretty quickly and with a resounding, "DUH!" I knew I would never be able to sleep like that and that it might even mess up my back. BUT I NEEDED MY NAP! So I got up, pulled the mattress off and spun the box spring around so that the brokenness could live at the foot of the bed. I reassembled my bed, got back in, and eventually napped.

So, I’m currently sleeping on a saggy kind of slope. Which is bringing back all kinds of memories of when I lived with Crazy Boss Lady in a rented furnished home owned by an octogenarian couple with heart issues—the master bed was permanently propped at a 30 degree angle to help their blood flow or something. I have no idea. I just know that, for about 90 nights last year, I fell asleep in the normal sleeping position and woke up and the foot of the bed and had to crawl my way back to my pillows at least three times a night.

This is not a great headspace to be in, let me tell you, what with all the RAGE about my current boss and Crazy Boss Lady working down the hall from me. I’m pretty much already LIVING on Memory Lane. Apprently now, I’m having a block party.

Since the broken bed is the same one I slept on in high school and was given to me when I moved out of my parents’ home and OH YEAH IT’S A TWIN SIZE, I’ve been thinking of replacing it for a while now. But mattresses are expensive and I would really like to own my own car before I buy a nicer version (read: queen size) of something that I already have. AND? I bought agiant purple couch this summer. So there is no room in my bedroom for anything other than a twin bed (unless I don’t mind living without bookshelves and a dresser and I DO MIND). So why would I spend my money to replace something I already have but don’t like WITH THE EXACT SAME THING?

Except that I am fat and physics sucks and I will probably buy a new bed next week. The end.


  1. You are so funny! I love your stories!

  2. Mattresses aren't that expensive. I bought my queen mattress for $699. I slept on it a full 6 months, and now I find out that my parents are giving my mattress to my 16 year old brother. This is AFTER they already gave my FULL mattress to the SAME brother when I moved out 3 years ago. Yeah. Whatever, Boyfriend and I decided a while ago that we were getting a King whenever we get married, so I guess it's not that bad of a situation.

    But, back to the main point, they aren't expensive. And you can get the stupid frame for like $60-$95 if you don't want your bed sitting on the ground (like I did in the aforementioned 6 months).

  3. You know, this was a funny story of a lot of run-on sentences which are always fun and I needed something fun so thank you!

  4. Shopping Fiend9/17/11, 5:49 PM

    Uhhh, Alyssa.... $700 is a lot to most people..... More than the average weekly wage. Sheesh.

  5. HA! My stories are nothing compared to yours. But I'm glad you liked them!

  6. I'm not that worried about the frame cost, because I can do that later when I have more money. But the matress cost? It really isn't that much, but I'm so cheap I think $12 for a t-shirt is too much, so... You know?

  7. I almost titled this one "A Lot of Run-On Sentences to Tell You Something You Didn't Really Need to Know." But then I went with cursing physics. I'm still not sure which I like better. :)

  8. In some respects, it IS a lot, but in terms of matreses, that's not too bad. But I get where you're coming from, because I don't like to spend that kind of money on ANYTHING, let alone something I already own.

  9. I got a fairly nice one though for $699. I think right now is mattress season, cause everywhere near me is selling mattresses for $200-300. They might be different in the Deep North. ;)

  10. I work for minimum wage. I was in no way insinuating that $700 was not a lot of money. Please, I barely have that much in my savings account. I was using mattress speak (lol)

  11. Cleats and Flip Flops10/24/11, 2:52 PM

    Solution: keep the mattress and get rid of the box spring! it is VERY unlikely that the floor will crash under your floppiness. :)