Pirates Totally Do Yoga

I bought new yoga pants yesterday. They were on clearance at Target and I needed them for a costume I'm putting together. Except that I ended up going in a completely different direction that cost less than these clearance yoga pants, so I really should return them. They are black gaucho capri yoga pants that are one size too large that were more than I usually pay for anything on clearance (although that photo makes them look even worse than I think they look). They are, in a word, ridiculous. I should definitely return them.

Actually, let's back up and I'll tell you all about my costume adventure. Do you remember me mentioning that I'm going to a Christian ladies conference at the end of the month? Sister-In-Law is leading worship? And Sister is singing? And I suck at singing but I do media so I play on the computer while I pretend to sing but I'm actually seething with jealousy and you guys are remembering this, right? It's not like I've posted that much in the intervening time, so it should be pretty fresh--as fresh as anything I say to you is, because I'm sure you have other things like CHILDREN and HUSBANDS and WHOLE LIVES vying for your attention so you forget everything you read here as soon as you click away, but I don't blame you because if I had any of those things, I'd totally ignore you, too. Anyway: I'm going to a retreat a few hours away. That might have been the easier thing to write rather than the rest of the above paragraph, but I'm leaving it because it's my blog, so ha!

Can we just start over? Okay. So I'm going to a retreat thing. It's a three-day/two-night kind of deal with sessions and workshops and fellowship. On the second night, we always have a themed banquet where everybody dresses up. But not in fancy formal wear. Nope. In costumes! The dressing up has a lot to do with the theme of the weekend and also the event right after the banquet, so don't go thinking we're all crazy or anything. Anyway. Lots of the ladies go all out, but some don't dress up at all--it's pretty laid back and fun. I think my crew landed firmly in the "go all out" camp last year.

The theme was Superheroes. We all did costumes in varying assortments of black and pinks (mostly hot pink). Sister had fairy wings and a giant tutu she made herself. Sister-In-Law had a short black mini skirt, a cape, and "hoochie" boots (as she likes to call them). I wore all black clothing (yoga pants, baby!), with black cat ears and a black feather boa for a tail, but with a hot pink sequined mask and feather boa around my neck. It was AWESOME! (And if you're asking how any of those costumes tell people we have superpowers, you really don't understand us at all and it's your loss.) But last year set the standard pretty high for this year.

You see, this year, the theme is pirates. That's a much more narrow set of criteria. You can't reinterpret that to mean a variety of things like superheroes. Superheroes come in all shapes and sizes because their superpowers come in all forms. But a pirate? Is pretty much just... a pirate. You kind of have two options: Jack Sparrow or Slutty Wench. And this is a Christian Women's conference, so you can see my conflict.

So how do you get creative and have fun without looking like everyone else there or like someone you don't want to be? You turn to Sister-In-Law, who may ACTUALLY BE a superhero. She's pretty awesome and has already sewn herself a simple corset (no boning, but still AMAZING) that she will put over a white tunic-y blouse. She has also made a raggedy skirt and a sash. She'll wear last year's hoochie boots, a fake sword, and a bandanna on her head. The outfit looks spectacular! But if I have to sit with her, and I DO because I LIKE her, then the standard is even higher!

So the logical conclusion is to force her to help me create a look of my own. Because she's OBVIOUSLY more creative than I am. Off we went to Target to shop the clearance sales. I bought a black and tan striped shirt, the aforementioned yoga pants (with the goal to cinch them in at the calves to make them into kind of bloomer things), and a scarf to tie around my waist. But together, that was about $30. Which is okay, because I can wear each of those things (separately) again, but I wasn't entirely sold on it.

Then we busted out the big guns: Value Village. Now, I know they do ready-made costumes, but a)I'm looking for something more original; b) those things are EXPENSIVE; and c) I probably wouldn't fit into most of them. But the thrift shop part of the store? A veritable treasure trove (pun intended) of pirate booty (again, intended; how did you not see this one coming?).

I found some black crinkly linen capris that were $3, so I won't feel too guilty chopping them to make them look ragged. I also found a red skirt in the same material that was $5, so I'll chop that, too, and put it over the pants to create a water-waif effect. I kept saying, "It's a whole character! I have to look like I've been living ON A BOAT!" This, of course, led to several mental renditions of SNL's I'm on a Boat, but that's a different story for a different day (and if you look that up, beware of the swearing--for those of you who avoid the swearing).

And then, right before we were overwhelmed by the need to WASH ALL THE CREEPINESS OF USED CLOTHING OFF OUR BODIES WITH A BRILLO PAD AND BLEACH, I found a black and white striped shirt that gathered at the sleeves and had shrunk to almost a belly shirt, which means I can wear it a little jaunty with a black camisole under it--hopefully looking more "ruffian" than "Britney Spears." Because that's a much better look for me. And all of us, really. It turned out the shirt was 50% off, so I think it ended up being $2 or something relatively insignificant (in relation to the Target prices, or actually? clothing prices in general), so WIN!

In the midst of this, there were many comments along the lines of "They're really more of guidelines, anyway" and "Swash swash, buckle buckle." There was also a significant amount of snarkery about the non-pirateworthy clothing there. Sister and I found a matching set of green and brown floral skirts that ended up looking more like camo skirts than anything else. We decided that, if we were ever inclined to go hunting, they would be the centerpiece of our wardrobes. And for a while, we gathered a collection of Ugly Christmas Sweaters, but they reached a height of such epic hideousness that we gave up, fearing for our retinas. We thought about buying some really cute boots, but we couldn't get over the idea that SOMEONE ELSE'S FEET HAD BEEN IN THERE.

By the end of the trip, I had one and a half costumes and Sister was done--she found a stripey shirt and an ACTUAL corset, which was enough to complete what she's already got going on at home. Sister-In-Law, being both more creative and more organized than us, didn't need anything else piratey and instead bought two sports jerseys for the next time our worship pastor decided to do a Sports Sunday (in which the band and singers wear jeans and jerseys instead of the normal church clothing). Because that happens more than you would think.

I decided to keep the thrift store purchases and the scarf from Target ($7.50). But I'm returning the Target shirt ($13). And I'm totally gong to return the yoga pants ($11), too. Except. Well, the tags just fell off. Yes, they just FELL off as the yoga pants leapt from the bag and put themselves on my lower-half without my permission(I'm not sure how they removed the pants I was wearing at the time, but they DID). And their magic would not wear off by bedtime, so I HAD to sleep in them. And this morning, they looked so lonely that I almost ended up wearing them under my dress pants to keep them company. I didn't, because my butt already looks enormous in these dress pants. But I'm pretty sure Target won't take the yoga pants back now. Plus, I would totally cut them if they tried.

And that's the story of how I got new yoga pants.

What have you bought lately?

[In case the lack of ads on this blog and the zero product review posts I have done haven't clued you in, this blog is not monetized. So I wasn't paid to link those things to Target's website or anything. I'm just really into visuals. So full disclosure: no money changed hands in the making of this post. Except for the money I paid to Target for the privilege of owning these items. FYI.]