12.16.2011

Where I've Been and What I've Been Doing (Or Not Doing)

I don't even know how to start... I made a promise at the end of NaBloPoMo that I would continue posting every day but Sundays. And then promptly stopped posting for sixteen days. Only a few of those were Sundays. I have many excuses and even a few reasons, but I hate to be one of those bloggers who is always apologizing for their lack of posting--it makes me feel like an idiot and it really doesn't help you at all. So instead, I'm going to tell you about a few of the things I've been doing in the last sixteen days. And make a few excuses along the way. Because I'm a chronic apologizer.

The first day of December, I purposely did not post. I was tired. I had kind of run out of words--I had used A LOT OF WORDS in November. So I took a break and read someone else's words. During the madness of November, I had been unable to stick my mind to books. It was the strangest thing. The more I put my own words out there and the more I developed a story line for my novel, I avoided other people's words and story lines. At first, I was afraid of unconsciously stealing someone else's work. Then I just couldn't make my brain focus.

The the first thing I read once I finished the Na____Mos was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series by Ann Brashares, so that I could read the newest addition. On December 2nd, I started the new book at about 10:30 pm and put it down at 6:30 am, when I had read the very last page. I was exhausted, but I did not regret it at all! That book was incredible! I laughed. I wept. I felt as if I was one of the characters, experiencing all of the same emotions they were. I'd recommend it for anyone who enjoyed the first books or the movies or, you know, enjoys good books in general. Just read the first four--they're meant for teens, but you need the back story.

After that, I fell into a little bit of a funk. The book followed me for a few days and I felt like I was still grieving all that had happened, which is kind of strange, I know. But good books stick to me. That's how I know that they're good. It was during these days that I meant to post and never managed to do so. I had TOO many words in my head again.

And then I just got lazy. I admit it. JUST PLAIN LAZY. I was so relieved not to have a daily deadline and THINGS TO DO (unemployment has completely spoiled me) that I found all kinds of reasons not to post. We watched a lot of TV and a lot of movies. I played a lot of Sims 3. And when Sims 3 is running on my computer, I can't access the internet. It was the PERFECT EXCUSE. The perfect excuse to avoid the thing that I actually enjoyed, but had somehow convinced myself was a giagantic burden... Kind of strange.

I have also been house-sitting for my parents, who are visiting my mom's dad. Last Sunday was his NINETIETH birthday. That's CRAZY, right? Ninety! All five of his kids and some of the cousins came to his house from across the country to celebrate with him. That man is amazing. He accomplishes more everyday at 90 than I do at almost 25. He's still very spry and alert, although slightly curmudgeonly. Aw, heck. If I get to be ninety, I'm totally going to be a little grumpy, just because I CAN!

I have very little excuse for not posting at the parents' house, since their Internet is MUCH better than mine. Except? Sims 3. And television. And Firefly. And John Adams. And letting the dog out every five minutes and letting him back in, because he's barking, less than ten minutes later.

OH! AND! A few weeks ago, Godson's mom texted me a picture.

A picture of a positive pregnancy test.

YAY!! A brand new godson or goddaughter to dote on! She had her husband had been trying to conceive for almost six months and she had been getting worried. And then both her sisters-in-law (one of them being Sister's best friend) announced that THEY were pregnant. And Godson's mom was even sadder, because no one else knew they were trying, so it kind of looked like she was just being rude to those who were full of joy. But now, there will be three new grandchildren in her family sometime next summer. We were all very excited! Her mother's head is practically exploding with all of the babies coming into her life.

The next day, I go another text. Another person very close to me is pregnant. I can't say who, because I do not have permission. But it is very exciting and jump-around-the-room worthy. YAY! Babies. Babies and more babies!

Except? I have a black part of my heart that was not so happy. Because I am single, childless, unemployed, overweight, and all around dissatisfied with the direction my life is traveling. So while I was BEYOND excited for these new babies and their parents, I was also feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Because OF COURSE the world revolves around me.

For a day or two, I was kind of overwhelmed with the fact that my life is going NOWHERE. Funny thing is, I have some level of control over at least half of the things I think are wrong with my life. So basically, I'm just a whiner. And lazy. SURPRISE! Not.

Whether my feelings were rational or charitable is not the point. In those days, I knew I SHOULDN'T post, because anything I said was going to be something I would regret. And it's not that I don't already love these children. I do. I really do! It's just that I'm self-centered and have a black part of my heart where I apparently think other people having babies is some kind of indictment of my own lonely status. Because that's rational and reasonable and NOT AT ALL ridiculous. Sure...

And then I got another text about a pregnant friend. But this one was different. This one was sad on many different levels. This was the most difficult to wrap my mind around and is a lot of the reason I haven't posted THIS week.

A twenty-year-old friend of mine (a girl I had once babysat and who has become a dear friend) had been pregnant and had miscarried. And while the timing was awful--she's unmarried, still in college, and barely supporting herself--she wanted this child in her life. And yet, because the timing was so bad, she's also relieved that her life won't change so suddenly. And she feels guilty for feeling relieved, because her child is dead.

I am sad on so many levels. I am sad that she lost her child. I am sad that she slept with her boyfriend. I know many of you will probably not understand this, since most people don't give a second thought to sleeping with people they are not married to (and this is no judgement on either you or my friend). But I believe that there is all kinds of pain and devastation wrapped up in sex when it is not done in the right relationship or in the right timing. And I know that my friend is already feeling that pain and devastation. I am also sad for her future relationships--either continuing with this boy who is probably not mature enough to be a father or in a different relationship that will bear the burden of these poor choices. I am sad for her parents, who hoped for so much more for their daughter. I am sad for this boy, who many never understand that he DID NOT dodge a bullet. He just caught a different one than the one he expected and it may take him years to understand the wound.

As you can imagine, this situation has greatly changed my attitude. It helped me see how selfish and whiny I was being. It also reminded me why my life is where it is right now--the timing is just as wrong for me as it was for my friend. And I want to do all of this in the right time and in the right way. As much as I wish that the timing WAS right, I know there is so much I need to do before I get there. I knew all of this. But my friend reminded me in a way that my own brain could not accomplish. It also reminded me how to be a good friend, which I am ashamed to say I have been neglecting lately.

So these are just a few of the things I have been doing (and/or NOT DOING) while not blogging. I'm sure there's more, but I'm too lazy to think of it saving it for future posts. My parents get home this afternoon and I'll be back in my own bed tonight, which is kind of a relief. House-sitting is not difficult-- as we all know, I am a CHAMPION "sitter while in houses" --but the bed I'm sleeping in here is a queen-size and I'm afraid I'm getting used to it. And it has an electric blanket, so I'm been slow-cooking myself every night. I need to get home to my cold, small bed before I CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Elise! There just aren't words sometimes, which is why I'm so very grateful that the Spirit steps in to take our thoughts & emotions straight on up, because dude... how do you even begin to articulate something like that?

    Anyway, keeping you in my prayers & I'm glad you're back. I had horrible visions of you being chained to some awful desk, forced to work out your 2-weeks notice AGAIN because of some paperwork snafu and I was very sad and missed you!

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  2. Sarah Pearson12/19/11, 12:59 AM

    Elise, don't beat yourself up about not posting. You've had so much to wrap your head around lately. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

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  3. Ugh! What a tough situation for your friend. I'm glad you're there for her.

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  4. Hey you! I've missed you on the twitter, but after reading your post I understand. I've read your last sentence over and over and I don't understand it. What do you mean you can't go home again? Do you mean that in a Thomas Wolfe sort of way? Anyway, try not to beat yourself up. I firmly believe that we sometimes need to wallow in our own sh*t before we are able to get disgusted enough to rise up out of it and make some changes. I'm going through that right now, so you're not alone. Just make sure you remember that your sh*t does not define who you are as a person. It's the stuff you will leave behind when you're ready.

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