A Break Through and also Very Late CDP Ideas

I haven't been blogging much lately. And I couldn't quite find the words that would make it clear what had changed and why. And then, as she often does, Temerity Jane posted something that is everything I've wanted to say, but with better phrases and also funnier. So go read this post, change the names and the circumstances only slightly and you've got a decent approximation of where I've been for much of this year. And I guess the only solution is to power through. And since I USED to like this blog and got quite a bit of joy from it, I want a solution. So I'm here, powering through. Sort of.

Anyway, remember that I told you that I signed up for the Crappy Day Present Exchange and I was going to write a post about some of the things I like so that whoever was unlucky enough to have pulled my name has some ideas for my CDP box? And that I made that promise as part of a post entitled "Follow Through: A Mile Stone" and yet (not so ironically) did not actually follow through on that promise? Yeah, me neither.

Anyway, this is SOOOO late in coming as to be supremely unhelpful, but I'm hoping that whoever drew my name is a procrastinator like me and is just now getting around to looking for ideas for CDPs. So. Without further excuse-making-ado, here are several things someone somewhere might like to know about me, in absolutely no sensical order and with no rationally explainable exclusivity.

1. I like coffee and coffee-flavored things.
2. I am also a tea drinker, because NO IT IS NOT AN EITHER OR SITUATION.
3. If I had five dollars to spend on something frivolous, I would probably buy chocolate or a cheap paperback.
4. I have pierced ears and I like dangly (but not chunky) earrings. I wear the same simple chain necklace with a cross charm everyday, but I wouldn't mind a change. I like bracelets, but find them kind of annoying when I actually remember to wear them.
5. I have a thing for pretty notecards, sticky notes, and other stationary-like items, even though I rarely use them. So I guess I'm a stationary collector?
6. While I like the look of pretty pastels and dainty, feminine prints, I usually gravitate more toward rainbow colors or jewel tones and bold, abstract patterns.
7. I have long hair and I love headbands and clips, even though I most often just throw it in a ponytail.
8. I love to cook and bake, especially bread, and I'm always looking for new recipes.
9. I do not like toffee, peanut brittle, or fake peanut butter flavor. But I love salted caramel, real peanut butter, and fruit flavors in chocolate.
10. I'm not really into knickknacks or clutter, so most of my surfaces are covered in books, candles, and picture frames. As far as candles are concerned, I stay away from the floral scents and the "baked food" types. I like more earthy (plant-based, but not really flowers) or beachy aromas (clean breezey things), if that makes any sense.
11. I listen to country music more than any other kind, but I'm not really that picky when it comes to genre. My iPod looks kind of schizophrenic. And I'm always curious about what other people love to listen to.
12. The only space in the house that is mine (to decorate, not like I don't USE the other parts of the house) is my bedroom and it's done in purples (like my gorgeous couch) and silvers/grays.
13. Fall is my favorite season, both because of the colors and the scents in the air.
14. I'm a wimp when it comes to spicy foods.

Okay, fourteen is a pretty stupid number to end on, but that's all I've got and if I start to over think this, I will never post it and I'M POWERING THROUGH. I apologize to the person who pulled my name and wish you better luck the next time around. ;)

Follow Through: A Mile Stone

As you can see (if you're not reading this in a reader), I have completed my blog "redesign." Which sounds a lot more professional than, "I clicked a new Blogger template, picked a font, and made everything varying shades of red and black." Which is exactly what I did. Anyway, let me know if there's something you don't like or something that's not working.

And then hold on tight, because I might just blog sometime this month... I know, slow down, right?

OH! I joined Doing My Best's Crappy Day Present Exchange, so I'll need to post a "getting to know me" for whoever drew my name. I'll try to get to that tomorrow, before it's too late to be helpful. And then I'll get on to shopping for MY person--I'm excited to get to know this person a little better.

So. Let me know if anything is funky. And stick around just a little bit longer--I promise I'm on my way back.

Making Fresh Bagels

I'm thinking of doing a blog redesign. On one hand, it seems kind of silly to me, since I'm barely writing here these days and if there are no new words, what does it matter what format they're displayed in? But on the other hand, I'm just feeling like the pink and green and flowers and all of this... It just seems a little too cutesy to me. I'm really more about bold primary colors and abstract shapes kind of person than a pastels and flowers girl. I don't know if it's even worth it, but these (things that are not) bagels seem to be a little stale and maybe we'd all like some fresh ones?

So I'm asking for your help. If you read this in a reader, if probably won't matter to you. But if you come to the site, what would you like to see? Is there anything annoying about the blog right now? You know, aside from my obnoxious experimentation with the English language and, uh, the content. Does the font drive you crazy? Is Disqus awful? Do you care about knowing which blogs I read? That kind of thing.

Maybe I'm just tying to trick myself into thinking the blog is NEW and SHINY again so I'll post more. I don't know. But if you have experience with design or have opinions about other people's blogs, let me know what you think.

And while we're here, talking about the nuts and bolts of blogging, why DON'T we talk about content? Is there anything you want to hear more about? Are there things I've done in the past that you'd like to see more of? Have I promised to tell you a story that I never actually told (I make  a lot of promises)? Because I'm ALWAYS looking for things to write about. I mean, mostly I blog for me and I'm excited when people read. But, obviously, I also blog for an audience or I would be writing in a journal on my purple couch all alone.

So. Let me know. Or don't. I mean, I don't want to pressure you or anything. But. Yeah. Help?

Where I've Been and What I've Been Doing (Or Not Doing)

I don't even know how to start... I made a promise at the end of NaBloPoMo that I would continue posting every day but Sundays. And then promptly stopped posting for sixteen days. Only a few of those were Sundays. I have many excuses and even a few reasons, but I hate to be one of those bloggers who is always apologizing for their lack of posting--it makes me feel like an idiot and it really doesn't help you at all. So instead, I'm going to tell you about a few of the things I've been doing in the last sixteen days. And make a few excuses along the way. Because I'm a chronic apologizer.

The first day of December, I purposely did not post. I was tired. I had kind of run out of words--I had used A LOT OF WORDS in November. So I took a break and read someone else's words. During the madness of November, I had been unable to stick my mind to books. It was the strangest thing. The more I put my own words out there and the more I developed a story line for my novel, I avoided other people's words and story lines. At first, I was afraid of unconsciously stealing someone else's work. Then I just couldn't make my brain focus.

The the first thing I read once I finished the Na____Mos was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series by Ann Brashares, so that I could read the newest addition. On December 2nd, I started the new book at about 10:30 pm and put it down at 6:30 am, when I had read the very last page. I was exhausted, but I did not regret it at all! That book was incredible! I laughed. I wept. I felt as if I was one of the characters, experiencing all of the same emotions they were. I'd recommend it for anyone who enjoyed the first books or the movies or, you know, enjoys good books in general. Just read the first four--they're meant for teens, but you need the back story.

After that, I fell into a little bit of a funk. The book followed me for a few days and I felt like I was still grieving all that had happened, which is kind of strange, I know. But good books stick to me. That's how I know that they're good. It was during these days that I meant to post and never managed to do so. I had TOO many words in my head again.

And then I just got lazy. I admit it. JUST PLAIN LAZY. I was so relieved not to have a daily deadline and THINGS TO DO (unemployment has completely spoiled me) that I found all kinds of reasons not to post. We watched a lot of TV and a lot of movies. I played a lot of Sims 3. And when Sims 3 is running on my computer, I can't access the internet. It was the PERFECT EXCUSE. The perfect excuse to avoid the thing that I actually enjoyed, but had somehow convinced myself was a giagantic burden... Kind of strange.

I have also been house-sitting for my parents, who are visiting my mom's dad. Last Sunday was his NINETIETH birthday. That's CRAZY, right? Ninety! All five of his kids and some of the cousins came to his house from across the country to celebrate with him. That man is amazing. He accomplishes more everyday at 90 than I do at almost 25. He's still very spry and alert, although slightly curmudgeonly. Aw, heck. If I get to be ninety, I'm totally going to be a little grumpy, just because I CAN!

I have very little excuse for not posting at the parents' house, since their Internet is MUCH better than mine. Except? Sims 3. And television. And Firefly. And John Adams. And letting the dog out every five minutes and letting him back in, because he's barking, less than ten minutes later.

OH! AND! A few weeks ago, Godson's mom texted me a picture.

A picture of a positive pregnancy test.

YAY!! A brand new godson or goddaughter to dote on! She had her husband had been trying to conceive for almost six months and she had been getting worried. And then both her sisters-in-law (one of them being Sister's best friend) announced that THEY were pregnant. And Godson's mom was even sadder, because no one else knew they were trying, so it kind of looked like she was just being rude to those who were full of joy. But now, there will be three new grandchildren in her family sometime next summer. We were all very excited! Her mother's head is practically exploding with all of the babies coming into her life.

The next day, I go another text. Another person very close to me is pregnant. I can't say who, because I do not have permission. But it is very exciting and jump-around-the-room worthy. YAY! Babies. Babies and more babies!

Except? I have a black part of my heart that was not so happy. Because I am single, childless, unemployed, overweight, and all around dissatisfied with the direction my life is traveling. So while I was BEYOND excited for these new babies and their parents, I was also feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Because OF COURSE the world revolves around me.

For a day or two, I was kind of overwhelmed with the fact that my life is going NOWHERE. Funny thing is, I have some level of control over at least half of the things I think are wrong with my life. So basically, I'm just a whiner. And lazy. SURPRISE! Not.

Whether my feelings were rational or charitable is not the point. In those days, I knew I SHOULDN'T post, because anything I said was going to be something I would regret. And it's not that I don't already love these children. I do. I really do! It's just that I'm self-centered and have a black part of my heart where I apparently think other people having babies is some kind of indictment of my own lonely status. Because that's rational and reasonable and NOT AT ALL ridiculous. Sure...

And then I got another text about a pregnant friend. But this one was different. This one was sad on many different levels. This was the most difficult to wrap my mind around and is a lot of the reason I haven't posted THIS week.

A twenty-year-old friend of mine (a girl I had once babysat and who has become a dear friend) had been pregnant and had miscarried. And while the timing was awful--she's unmarried, still in college, and barely supporting herself--she wanted this child in her life. And yet, because the timing was so bad, she's also relieved that her life won't change so suddenly. And she feels guilty for feeling relieved, because her child is dead.

I am sad on so many levels. I am sad that she lost her child. I am sad that she slept with her boyfriend. I know many of you will probably not understand this, since most people don't give a second thought to sleeping with people they are not married to (and this is no judgement on either you or my friend). But I believe that there is all kinds of pain and devastation wrapped up in sex when it is not done in the right relationship or in the right timing. And I know that my friend is already feeling that pain and devastation. I am also sad for her future relationships--either continuing with this boy who is probably not mature enough to be a father or in a different relationship that will bear the burden of these poor choices. I am sad for her parents, who hoped for so much more for their daughter. I am sad for this boy, who many never understand that he DID NOT dodge a bullet. He just caught a different one than the one he expected and it may take him years to understand the wound.

As you can imagine, this situation has greatly changed my attitude. It helped me see how selfish and whiny I was being. It also reminded me why my life is where it is right now--the timing is just as wrong for me as it was for my friend. And I want to do all of this in the right time and in the right way. As much as I wish that the timing WAS right, I know there is so much I need to do before I get there. I knew all of this. But my friend reminded me in a way that my own brain could not accomplish. It also reminded me how to be a good friend, which I am ashamed to say I have been neglecting lately.

So these are just a few of the things I have been doing (and/or NOT DOING) while not blogging. I'm sure there's more, but I'm too lazy to think of it saving it for future posts. My parents get home this afternoon and I'll be back in my own bed tonight, which is kind of a relief. House-sitting is not difficult-- as we all know, I am a CHAMPION "sitter while in houses" --but the bed I'm sleeping in here is a queen-size and I'm afraid I'm getting used to it. And it has an electric blanket, so I'm been slow-cooking myself every night. I need to get home to my cold, small bed before I CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

Sundays Are The Hardest Blogging Days

As I've posted before, my Sundays are pretty simple: church, lunch, nap, different food, TV, more food, more TV, bedtime. Admittedly, Sunday laziness is not that different from my current everyday laziness, except for the nap. I don't really nap on weekdays; although I totally could, I just...don't (I think I may be wasting my time of unemployment. I'm now rethinking things...). Also, going to church and doing my media job is actually more work than I do during the rest of the week put together. Which is very pathetic, but true.

Ever since I was a small child, Sundays have been a day of rest. I mean, it's not like there was some kind of Sabbath Code enforced in my house or anything. But after church, we usually gathered for a large-ish meal. And then we would all scatter to parts of the house to do our own thing: watch TV, read a book, do homework, whatever. There was always the expectation that whatever we chose to do would be quiet. Because, inevitably, someone would be napping.

Mom would "rest" her eyes, which really meant a nap. But some kind of magical nap in which she still knew what was going on in the house and could coherently answer the pestery questions of children who apparently did not understand the notion of LEAVE HER ALONE SHE'S SLEEPING! She rarely scolded us--she just answered the queries patiently with her eyes still closed. It wasn't until many years later, I realized that, though her answers were coherent, they were not always conscious or remembered, which was QUITE a trick. Dad would usually settle into the couch with a book or something on the History Channel. And promptly snooze. And all of us kids, in one form or another, would end up with a small rest or full-on nap. When I was younger, I fought naps--it nearly drove my nap loving mother out of her mind. But by early high school, I craved them. And Sundays were ALWAYS nap days.

When I got to college, I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to nap--I had hours between my classes and I never thought to use that time for studying. But I learned pretty quickly NOT to nap, if I wanted to get to class on time and sleep on a regular schedule. It's kind of embarrassing to show up to a 3:45 pm class with pillowcase lines on your face and bleary eyes.

But Sundays? Oh, Sundays. Even when I wasn't going to church (because public transportation was really difficult for me) and the dorm was NOT all quiet and restful like my parents' house had been, Sundays held a strange sleepiness for me. It was like my body knew that it was Sunday, the Day of Napping. It REQUIRED a nap every seven days. It was weird. But who was I to deny my body what it needed?

Now that I live back in my hometown and I refuse to go to bed a sane hour for no good reason other than I'm stupid, Sunday naps have become a staple. Sometimes, Sister and I have naps for lunch on Sundays, instead of food. But since I've been sleeping until 11:15 most days recently, I decided to forgo today's nap in the hope that I will be extra tired tonight and will go to bed earlier. Because I need to spend ALL DAY tomorrow working on my NaNoWriMo novel, which kind of got forgotten over the holiday and is all the sudden TOTALLY BEHIND and I feel like I'm never going to finish by Wednesday. And writing ALL DAY is not nearly as effective if the day STARTS at NOON!

And this is why Sundays are the hardest blogging days. Because the only topic I can think of to post about is napping. Which is like a snooze-fest of words and letters. You're all probably napping by now. Which, if your Sundays are anything like mine, I guess you should thank me for... Yeah, still boring. Because I want a nap. And Sister IS napping. And I'm sleepy. And nothing else really happens on Sundays. Sundays are hard. When NaBloPoMo is done, I'd like to continue with daily posts. But I think I will use Sundays as a Blogging Sabbath. It will be better for all of us. I will get Sundays off and you won't have to read the drivel I try to come up with for Sunday posts. We all win. You're welcome.

UPDATED: Commenting Failures, Foiled Rants, and Bait & Switch Snack Cakes

First, bloggy business: 

This blog has a web version and a mobile version. I love the mobile version, which I only discovered was available a month or so ago. I'm guessing that a lot of you guys who access your feedreader or twitter via your phones also appreciate the streamlined mobile version. But I discovered something last night. Commenting is OBNOXIOUS on the mobile version. I apologize that I didn't notice this before. The reason it is OBNOXIOUS is that it uses the standard Blogger commenting system, which includes the dreaded word verification.

On the web version, I have DISQUS installed. I don't know how you guys feel about DISQUS, but I've found it to be a great commenting program. I like that I can reply directly to comments, link to them, and moderate them on an external platform--it's more customizable than the standard Blogger system. But DISQUS doesn't seem to have a mobile version and Blogger doesn't allow me to do anything other than say yes or no to the mobile version. It does not allow me to manage anything about it, once it is in place.

This adds two problems if you want to comment on the mobile version: You have to go through the dreaded word verification AND the comment doesn't show up in DISQUS on the web version or send me any kind of notification that you commented. Which means that I am probably missing quite a few comments right now. There is a work around that is possible: I can go to DISQUS and import all the comments periodically to pick up those that were made on the mobile version. But this will most likely lead to repeat comments in DISQUS. Which is annoying. 

So here's what I need from you:
1. How do you feel about DISQUS on the web version?

2. How do you feel about the Blogger commenting system on either version?

3. A. Should I remove DISQUS altogether so that both versions are the same?

3. B. Should I turn off the mobile version so that you only have access to the web version on your phone and will therefore use DISQUS by default?
3. C. Should I leave it as is and re-import periodically and run the risk of missing and/or repeating comments?

Let me know and I'll do my best to find a solution.

Second, foiled rants:

I had this inspiration to get all ranty about those new toilet paper commercials about the "roll cover." Because having a "naked toilet paper roll" is apparently "inappropriate, dude!" Like getting a cutesy  cardboard cylinder with a cap is some kind of incentive to buy your brand of toilet paper. It's FREAKING TOILET PAPER! Who cares if it's naked. It's all ridiculous.

But when I sat down to write this, a warm kitty Satan's Cat nestled on my lap. This is unhelpful for two reasons. One, because I could not comfortably reach the keyboard and we all know ranty posts require excellent access to the keys (especially my shift key) in order to really give it that extra oomph. Two, because apparently all of those statistics and studies are right about how cats lower blood pressure and increase calmness (which I have never really understood before, because my blood pressure is usually through the roof with this cat, what with all her climbing and destroying and whining) and I got too comfortable to give it the effort it requires.

So, while I was all poised get a good RANT on, the cat muffled it with her snuggliness. She is such a rant foiler. She's gone now, but I can't seem to relocate my rant--it ran away when she did. Now all I can accomplish is: Toilet paper covers are silly, right? Just... silly... and unnecessary... and, um... silly, right?

This is probably why Temerity Jane is so much funnier than me--she has dogs. Well, that, and also an incredible wit. Hmmm... So maybe it's not about the pets...

Third, bad gifts:

Now I have nothing ranty or interesting to tell you. This post has basically been poorly disguised maintenance work. It's like a snack cake with a kind of cardboardy cookie-thing on the outside, but you bite in anyway, because you assume that the filling will be all light and tasty and sweet, but all you get is a mouthful of... shaving cream. Or spray-foam insulation. Yes, that's it.

I lured you here with the promise of a delicious and delightful snack cake and all you got was insulated cardboard. So basically, I built you a poor excuse for a house. You're welcome?




UPDATED: Rant now included in the comments, for no additional charge! Act now and you, too, can be reading ridiculous opinions on toilet paper concealment devices.  

Offer does not include shipping & handling, operations & maintenance, travelers insurance, or indemnity against stolen identities, over-crowding of toilet paper concealment devices, or loss of friends because you are lame. Batteries sold separately. Void where prohibited. Offer ends 30 days from receipt of this notice.

Bloggy Business and Promises I Might Not Keep

I have a couple things to share with you guys about this here blog and my little boring life. Let's jump right in, shall we?

Thing The First:
I'm blogging from my iPhone with the nifty new (to me? to the world? no idea...) Google Blogger app. I have no idea how well this will work, but I figure this will help me blog more often. I'm hoping it doesn't degrade the quality or readability of the posting.... So let me know if you see something wonky. One of the things I'm already struggling with is how to link without just putting the link text in parentheses. So if I can't figure it out, I'll just publish and figure it out on my laptop later... Oh, and this isn't some kind of sponsored review of the Google Blogger app or anything. I just like to give you guys...er...more details than you really care to know.

Thing The Second:
I was asked by Jaimie over at Legos In My Pocket to be her Monthly Featured Blogger, which was incredibly exciting for me. I've never written anywhere but here, so it was a little uncomfortable at first, but the kind of uncomfortable that pushes you out of your "safe zone" and shows you that you should try new things more often. It was a great experience! You guys should go check it out. And while you're there, you should wander around HER blog. Because she's awesome and patient (it may surprise, well, none of you to find out that I struggle with deadlines) and super talented--she made me a very pretty and completely wonderful blog button that I completely plan on putting on my side bar as soon as I get over my apathy for anything requiring effort.... So, go read my guest post if you want something other than bloggy business and promises I might not keep. And read Jaimie's stuff, too. Or just read her stuff. It's probably better than my rambling anyway.

Thing The Third:
November is NaBloPoMo, which is a really ridiculously difficult-to-pronounce acronym that stands for National Blog Posting Month. During which bloggers more talented and consistent than I am attempt to post every single day of the month of November, regardless of weekends or busy schedules. And even though I am already hopeless at this and I'm probably setting myself up for humiliating failure, I'm going to try. So get ready for a lot of blathering about things that are not bagels. With the occasional bagel thrown in for fun.

Thing The Fourth:
November is ALSO NaNoWriMo, which is a slightly easier-to-pronounce acronym for National Novel Writing Month. During which people who struggle to get motivated or maintain momentum in their writing make a big push and write an entire novel in one month. Not like a finished, polished, and published novel, but at least a completed full first draft with all the elements written out and nothing left unsaid. I've attempted this for the first two days of November for a few years and I always fail pretty quickly. I will NOT be taking this on this year, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do either of these challenges alone and pitting them together seems like suicide. But I thought I would throw it out there for any of you who have dreamed of, but struggled to, write a novel. Maybe someday, I'll join you all. I AM unemployed. I should have all the time in the world. But I just...don't...

Thing The Fifth:
I have not heard back on the jobs I interviewed for, but I have been in talks with my former bosses' colleague to work in HIS office doing very similar things I was doing before I quit my job. Which is not actually that interesting or appealing and I would have to go on relocation from January to April, which would suck pretty badly. But. It's a job. Then again, I quit a perfectly decent (in terms of pay, hours, and benefits, not in terms of happiness or satisfaction) job because it wasn't for me. So why would I take a job I'm not interested in, just for the money? That seems counter-intuitive... So, no real news on that front. Mostly just the indecisiveness that continually pervades my life. This is neither bloggy business or a promise I might not keep. But I thought some of you might want to know.

See you all tomorrow. I have a whole post planned about Satan's Cat and her ridiculous behavior. But my photos and my Internet fight a lot. So this may be another promise I break. Maybe ill tell you about a real-live phobia I'm developing (despite my best efforts to convince myself it's all in my head) and ask for your help. We'll see.

I Haven't Died; Here's My Roommate

I could offer all kinds of excuses about why I suddenly fell off the map for the lat few weeks (they might include extreme laziness, crappy Internet, TV on DVD, lack of things to day, or a combination of all four), but I think we all recognize that the reason doesn't really matter. But I am back. I promise! I think. As long as the Internet service holds. And I don't get sucked into another episode of LOST. Or Psych. Or The Office. Or Castle. No, DANG IT! I'm back. That is all. Forget the rest, will you? Moving on.

Since I'm so out of bloggy practice, I thought I would take this opportunity to use someone else's words as a cop out introduce you to a friend of mine. You've heard me talk about Roommate, right? I've done it occasionally... Okay, she has her own label. But that's only because she's so awesome.

Well, Roommate has started her own blog, where she uses her real name (GASP!) and talks about family and soccer and life in general. She calls it Cleats and Flip Flops. I think it's a brilliantly clever title. And it's not because I'm biased or anything... Anyway, Roommate was catching up on this here blog the other day and sent me her answers to my ridiculous survey. I thought her answers were funny and interesting and--

Hold on, I'm eating really crappy cereal and it's getting in the way of my typing. Just give me a sec... Okay, I'm back. Blech. That as not really what I needed. But now I have a cup of coffee, so things are looking up. Wait, where was I? Ah, yes. Roommate.

As I read Roommate's answers, I realized it sounded a lot like a get-to-know-you interview. And what better way to introduce you to my bestest friend in the whole wide world than to use her own words against her?

Okay, so I asked permission before I posted this. But it's more fun to think about it the other way. Anyway, without further ado... 

Roommate:

1. Are you married or single? Or even trying to be married or trying to be single?
Single but trying to be married…kind of…
2. Do you have children? If not, are you planning to? If yes, how many do you have and do you ever want to give one or more of them away? (I may or may not be in the market)
No children yet…planning on having them some day…not planning on giving any of them away…unless they prove to just be too annoying
3. What is your favorite day of the week?
My favorite day of the week is Friday because I have a chance to feel productive. There is a shared it’s-almost-the-weekend mood in the office and Fridays hold all the promise and opportunity of the upcoming Saturday and Sunday.

4. Tell me one obscure thing about you--something that makes you unique or special or different or weird.
I am freakishly obsessed with soccer. But you knew this already.

5. If you could change one small thing abut the world, what is it and why? Not like "world peace" or anything. More like "I wish every body always brushed their teeth" or "I would eliminate all dryer lint."
In addition to a test to get your driver’s license, there should be a test to prove that one is not stupid. This will be a practical test, not a written test on which you can cheat. Topics covered will include but are not limited to: when not to ride your bike into oncoming traffic (an actual event will be put in place where one will have to make this decision under pressure) and when to cross the crosswalk of a major expressway against the signal at 10 o’clock at night wearing all black clothing (again, non-stupidity under pressure will be tested)
6. Who is your favorite blogger? (I'm not fishing for compliments here, I'm looking for new material and/or getting to know your taste) Also, do you blog and am I reading you? Because I should be.
YOU are my favorite blogger! Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are the only blog I read besides sports blogs…
7. Tell me your BEST childhood memory. OR? Tell me your EARLIEST childhood memory. Or both.
Best and earliest childhood memories are two VERY different things. My earliest memory is on my 3^rd birthday where I apparently ate too much cake and threw up all over my entryway hall (luckily it was tile and not carpet!) 

I had a very good childhood so I will choose from a veritable bank of good memories. My “BEST” childhood memory would be when my mom would give me a bath and shampoo my hair and shape it into a cone on my head! My hair was very long.

8. Do you tweet? Do I follow you? Do you follow me?
Yes. I think so and I think so.

 9. What do you value most? This is vague on purpose.
Playing really well in a really good soccer game.

10. When you fold your hands, which thumb is closest to you, left or right?
My right. Does that have some kind of secret meaning? For example, am I going to die earlier than those who have their left thumb closest?

* * * * * *

My questions to you (whenever you feel like it, add your reasoning behind your answers)

Question the first: out of the states that you have yet to visit, which is your favorite?

Question the second: what is your favorite spot in the entire world?

Question the third: Coke or Pepsi?

Question the fourth: What is your single favorite memory from college?

Question the fifth: What is your favorite flower?

Question the sixth: orange or black?

Question the seventh: give me your best explanation as to why the sun is yellow (your answer is encouraged to not be scientifically sound)

Question the eighth: what is once place outside of the United States that you have never been that you would like to visit for three months?

Question the ninth: who decided the order of numbers?

Question the tenth: was that person brilliant or just finding a way to ease his or her OCD?

Tune in next time when I attempt to answer all of Roommate's questions. Oh, and totally go visit her blog. She's pretty awesome and your life would be better for it. Promise.

How I Quit and Then Got "Fired" and Then Didn't Care

Hi guys! I know I’ve been incommunicado this week. No, I didn’t get lost on my way home from retreat. I’ve just been dodging lemons and the bruises they leave. I think I even caught a few and am in the process of making lemonade (I think I have just killed that metaphor, but I’m not going back and changing it now). Anyway, life’s been weird and crazy and good and also awful and surprising and… You know what? Here’s a timeline of what’s been going on in my life for the last week and a half, for your edification.

Monday, 9/26/11:

• I resign from the oppressive soul-sucking borderline mental health issue that I called my job.
• The Jerk (my boss) accepts my resignation and the October 14th effective date.
• This day becomes known, the world over, as All Quitter’s Day.

Tuesday, 9/27/11

• I go into work, even though I wish that Monday had been my LAST DAY.
• Coworker decides it’s time to clean out two giant file cabinets, but that it’s my job to trek to the dumpster with the piles of paper while she sits on her chair pulling the paper out of the drawers and dropping it on the floor for me.
• I make seven trips to the dumpster in my heels, trying not to curse her.
• I get a call for a job interview for a position I applied for over a month ago and had written off. I schedule the interview for 4:00 pm on Wednesday, because that’s the latest they can do it.
• Coworker puts up a stink about how SHE has to go meet her cable guy at that time and we can’t leave the office empty.
• I tell her I’m going anyway and she can figure it out—The Jerk is out of town all week, so she can leave, too, and the office will be fine. The day ends at 4:30, anyway, so CALM DOWN.

Wednesday, 9/28/11:

• I trudge to work again.
• Coworker isn’t really speaking to me, but she does send me a passive-aggressive e-mail in list form of all the things she needs me to do before I leave.
• Most of these things are her job, but she is too lazy or incompetent to do them and thought she’d use me as slave labor.
• I attempt a few of the tasks, but in a slightly passive-aggressive manner (i.e. when asked for “step-by-step instructions” for one of my duties, I draft it so that a monkey could do the job).
• I leave early to make it to the next town over for my interview.
• Coworker smiles and waves and wishes me both a good weekend (I'm leaving for retreat the next day) and good luck on my interview. FORESHADOWING ALERT.
• I go to the crazy interview.
• I go to Youth Group, then I stay up until 1:00 am packing and writing a blog post about the interview (which I think I schedule for 8:30 am on Thursday, but I actually schedule it for 8:30 am on Friday because I am SMART!).

Thursday, 9/29/11:

• I get up and finish packing, then we pile into the car and begin the 4.5 hour trip to the retreat.
• We stop for lunch and I eat a burrito the size of my head. This is not important to the story, except that it was a REALLY GOOD burrito!
• I check on the blog post to make sure I'm not a schedule spaz and realize that, yes in fact I am. I publish from my iPhone with on extended coverage, which is FUN! Not.
• I enjoy the evening session and the worship and the fellowship.
• I fall asleep to the dulcet tones of three women snoring in a slightly smelly cabin.

Friday, 9/30/11:

• I wake up at 6:15 in order to get a somewhat warm shower, in which I pretend not to be creeped out every time the nasty shower curtain gets stuck to my leg.
• I eat whole wheat pancakes for breakfast. They are pretty yummy for being so healthy, but that may have had more to do with the syrup and whipped cream on top of them…
• I enjoy the morning session and the worship and the fellowship.
• I go to a workshop on Bible memorization and the facilitator quotes the entire book of Philippians from memory in under fifteen minutes, making the letter from Paul to the church at Philippi more real than I have ever read it.
• I sit amazed.
• The Jerk calls my cell phone. It silently vibrates in my hand. I figure he’s butt-dialing me.
• I determine in my head that I will not be answering this call, but before my face can convey that, Sister grabs my phone and throws in on the floor far away from me and says, “He can call back.”
• I smile.
• A while later, Sister hands the phone back to me. There is a call, a voicemail, and a text from The Jerk. Plus a call and a voicemail from my friend who works next door to my office. For a moment, I wonder if the office building burned down (I do not hope, just wonder... GOSH, do you think SO LITTLE of me?)
• The text says, “Elise, I accept your resignation effective immediately. Please come in on Monday to turn in your keys and gather you things.” I am confused, since I thought we already did this.
• I call the friend. She has no idea what The Jerk is up to, but she said I was on her heart and she thought she should call me. This makes me smile. But I am still worried.
• I call The Jerk back. He doesn’t answer. I call him a while later and he says that his text said it all and he cannot tell me why any of this is happening.
• I get an e-mail from another work friend asking me what I did. Apparently Coworker has been using my vacation to tell everyone in the building that I have “done something terrible,” that I’m “not the person they thought I was,” and that she couldn’t really talk about it, but that I know what I did.
• I freak out a little SO MUCH, but I try to focus on the retreat.
• I get an e-mail asking me to interview for a job I applied for in July that I was pretty sure I was unqualified for and never thought I would hear back on, but that I really wanted. I am excited and I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.
• I hate roller coasters.
• Later, I dress like a pirate and eat fried chicken.
• Someone inadvertently tries to light the building on fire with the votives on the banquet tables. Sister-In-Law’s sister stomps out the fire. No one is hurt.
• We take pictures as pirates.
• I enjoy the evening session, the worship, and the fellowship.
• I get a voicemail from the same friend who had called earlier, telling me that she ran into The Jerk and he told her that he had to "fire" me because he “found out some things about me" and something about "I cannot believe she calls herself a Christian and would do that” something similar.This. Feels. AWESOME.
• I freak out a little more.
• I go to bed and sleep terribly.

Saturday, 10/1/11:

• I wake up and shower with my eyes closed so as not to anger the gods of the slimy shower.
• We pack most of our things.
• We go to the last of the workshops, then the last session.
• We finish packing and pile in the car, only to stop ten minutes later for mediocre Chinese food. I am sad it is not better Chinese food. My fortune claims that I am about to find my lost treasure. I eat another cookie that claims I'm about to get my luck back. 
• I am wary of trusting baked goods.
• We drive home in a deluge of rain and we can see that it is snowing just slightly up the mountains, so we pray we get home safe. We do, although Sister may have the stress hunchback forever.
• Sister and I spend the rest of the night watching The Office and I try not to think about how angry and betrayed and confused and annoyed I am.

Sunday, 10/2/11:

• I get teary at church a few times because I cannot believe that Coworker would say these awful things about me, especially since I have been incredibly kind and compassionate to her (even when I didn't want to be nice, I was).
• Sister and I go to lunch at Red Robin with my parents, my pastor, his wife, and his son (who is also a pastor) and we have a really strange conversation about the movie Untamed Heart.
• I spend Sunday trying not to think about my life.

Monday, 10/03/11:

• I go into work, turn in my keys, gather my personal things, and finish the paper work.
• No one will tell me what I’m supposed to have done wrong.
• The Jerk will not answer his phone.
• I have been banned from the computer, so I cannot even send my goodbye e-mail.
• Everyone, including other bosses, tells me that they know me and know that these rumors are not the truth. Some advise me to get a lawyer. I feel a little better, but SERIOUSLY? Why does this need to happen at all???
• I go home and watch many, many hours of The Office while playing board games and doing puzzles with Sister. Because. Why not?
• The Jerk finally calls me back, denies everything I have heard, dodges every question, and tells me I am “an unhappy person.” He also claims that his reasons for letting me go early are “personal and confidential” and refuses to tell me anything.
• I am done with this job.
• Thank the Good Lord.

Tuesday, 10/4/11:

• I go to my interview for that really cool position and it goes really well, but I have no idea how many other people had really cool interviews, too.
• If they like me, I go in next week for a second round.
• I go to lunch with Sister and Mom and then spend most of my day watching TV and eating things I shouldn’t (not like light bulbs and batteries or anything, just, you know, junk food) at Mom’s house while Sister applies for jobs.
• We clear out our DVR of all the unwatched shows from the last two weeks. Then more of The Office.
• We stay up till 2:00 am. Because I have no reason to get up at a normal hour any more.

Wednesday, 10/5/11:

• I woke up at 10:00 am today with absolutely no where to go…
• Life is good.

UPDATE: We’ve decided to go eat Monte Cristo Sandwiches the size our heads. And if you don’t know what that is, I not only feel sorry for you, but I’m not sure I can allow you to continue reading this blog. Because I’m pretty sure if you won’t eat one, you’re too classy for me and I don’t want to drag you down to my level.

A Ridiculously Long Post With a Prize Inside

Well, I have to say, you guys are awesome! The comments on my Sunday Meet and Greet post were entertaining, thought-provoking, and plentiful. I love my readers! Also, you guys asked some really great questions. But before I get to answering all of them (and adding all kinds of information you didn't ask for, which is kind of like a bonus), I have a bone to pick with you. All of you. Or maybe just the universe.

We need to revisit question number ten:

10. When you fold your hands, which thumb is closest to you, left or right?

See, this was a fifty-fifty kind of thing. Only two possible answers. One answer was the right thumb. The other answer was the wrong thumb. I had no idea how many of you would did this wrong. It's obvious that the right thumb goes on top. It's weird and uncomfortable and obnoxious otherwise.

What do you mean other people do things differently? What do you MEAN I phrased the question in regard to your personal thumbs? I don't care if you thought it was about YOUR thumbs, there is still a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to do this hand folding/clasping thing. What do you MEAN I am not the center of the universe? That's just crazy talk.

Okay, so to make sure I'm not erroneously placing myself in the center of the universe (which is where I BELONG, people!), I looked into this issue. According to some very strenuous scientific research (i.e. Google), it seems that either the population is split 50-50 on this or that the left thumb is more common (somewhere within 40-70% of the population). Which is also crazy talk. But according to the comments on this blog, 70% of you go with the left thumb (Linnea, I'm not counting your husband, because he didn't comment for himself and also 8 out of 11 is a more difficult number to turn into a percentage than 7 out of 10).

THIS IS ALL CRAZY TALK!!!

Ahem. Moving on. Since you all showed up in a big way to answer all my question and ask me some pretty awesome ones, too, I thought it was only fair that I have to answer all of them--the ones you asked me AND the ones I asked you. If you've been reading for a while, you know a lot of my answers to these questions, but for the sake of the newbies, I'll do it anyway. But I won't number them. Because I will not be constrained by your rules. Wait, what's that you say? They were my rules to begin with? FINE! I will not be constrained by MY rules. Better? Here goes:

I am single, but I would like to be married. Like yesterday. Married yesterday would be nice. And I don't mean single in the "this government form has three boxes: single, married, or separated and even thought I'm with someone, I'm not married to them yet, so I'm technically single" kind of way. I mean single in the "I may die alone surrounded by a lot of cats and not be found until my neighbors cannot abide the stench any longer" kind of way. Just so we're clear.

I do not have any biological or legally adopted children. But I have taken it upon myself to "adopt" any of my friends' children in so far as I take them for whole days at a time for fun with Auntie Elise, but give them back at bedtime. And I have a niece and a godson. But the above answer should be enough to explain why I am currently childless.

My favorite day of the week is probably Saturday. But that may be skewed by the current situation at my job and the fact that Saturday is my escape. So I'll come back to this one when my soul isn't being crushed by the oppressive weight of a tyrannical and incompetent workplace. I'm thinking it will still be Saturdays, though.

Something weird about me? I think the archives of this blog probably have enough evidence of me wackiness. But I HAVE TO answer the questions. So. Hmm... Here's one I don't think I've mentioned: I think I have a strange form of dyslexia in which I can identify and read letters no matter their orientation (upside-down or mirror image) or position (scrambled among other letters or jumping around the page). I also have to work pretty hard mentally to figure out my right from my left (I know I'm 24 years old and should be able to do this by now, but I swear it's a brain problem, not a lack of teaching or practice). Combine these two and that whole "make an L with your thumb and forefinger to help you remember which is left" thing absolutely.doesn't.help. This may be why I get lost on the way to parties all the time--the directions are both hard to read and hard to follow.

A small change I would make in the world would probably go something along the lines of "The only calories that count are the ones our bodies need to survive and the rest are just for our taste buds." Because it's lame that chocolate cake costs me calories from my daily budget, but celery does not.

I don't think I can effectively answer the favorite blogger question without offending someone. But if you look to your... right? Yes, on the right side portion of the screen is my blogroll, so those are the ones I'm reading all the time. And if you really pressured me, I would probably say Temerity Jane or The Pioneer Woman. But I don't want to diminish my love for all the other ones I REALLY DO LOVE. So forget that last sentence and assume I love them all equally.

I don't know if I can pick out just one favorite childhood memory. The ones that are coming to mind most are the bedtime routine memories, where I'm safe and loved and untroubled. Snuggling up with Papa to read books in my PJs. Laying in bed in the glow of the nightlight with Mom singing over me. Papa telling his Eric the Aardvark stories (remind me to tell you about these someday). All of us kids piled on one of the beds listening raptly as Papa told us about Eric and his animal buddies on a camping trip drinking hot plaid root beer (seriously, I need to tell this story eventually). Those are probably some of the best.

The earliest memory is a diaper change. Mom cloth diapered all of us kids (before they were the adorable, easy-to-use things they are now). When I was about 22 months old, I was Almost Potty Trained. My parents were moving us from the Midwest to Far North, so Mom gave away or got rid of most of the cloth diapering things, thinking she wouldn't really need them in Far North. She figured she'd use disposables for the road trip and the last weeks before I was completely done potty training. But I apparently didn't like the idea of moving and reverted back to Not Potty Trained At All until I was past three (I sure showed her!). One night, we ran out of disposables, so Mom found an old cloth diaper and put it on me with a large safety pin with a plastic yellow ducky for a cap. I remember the pin and laying on the floor near our fireplace. And I remember being VERY uncomfortable in the giant rubber pants. I'm glad those are gone now.

The tweeting question is kind of silly when posed to me, so I'll just say this: If you're interested in my incessant ramblings in 140 characters or less (a big change from this ridiculously long post), click on the little birdy on the top right.

The thing I value most is my family. I should probably give you some churchy answer about how I value Jesus Christ the most (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE that guy) or how my faith is the most important thing to me, but I really think I would not have the faith that I have or the love and reverence for Jesus that I have if it weren't for my family. Both in raising me in the truth and for holding me accountable to it now that I am grown. Plus, they're kind of awesome and they love me. And who doesn't want to be around people who love them?

I'm pretty sure we don't need to go over the whole thumb thing again. But in case you somehow missed it, I PUT MY RIGHT THUMB ON TOP. Just FYI.

Now, some of you have asked for more Satan's Cat stories. Here's a quick one: Our refrigerator has a ice and water dispenser on the outside, but the water has been incredibly slow lately--we think there might be a blockage in the line. A month or so ago, I tried just leaving my cup there (strategically weighed down with ice and propped to keep the water flowing) and coming back in a moment or two because it was taking so long. It worked! So I did it again. And completely overestimated how long I had before I needed to come back to the cup. So I flooded the whole front of the fridge. It was a mess to clean up and water kept running down the front in little droplets, which Satan's Cat tried to chase. A few days later, somehow thinking I had obtained new timing skills, I tried this method again and. Well... I think you know what happened. Apparently twice is enough to train this cat, because now if anyone so much as walks past the fridge, Satan's Cat perches right in front of the door and waits for the drips that will never come. It's gotten to the point where she looks like the Diet Minion Here to Judge Your Food Choices. You have to whack her with the fridge door to get her to move so that you can USE the fridge. My question is, why isn't twice enough to train her not to EAT MY FACE??? Twelve times has not been enough...

Someone else asked what my favorite smell is. That one has me stumped. I think I may have to just say "food in general." Here are a few, though. Freshly ground coffee beans. Baking bread. Baking cookies. Fresh laundry. That tiny spot behind a baby's ear. Apple-cinnamon-caramel-brown-sugar-nutmeg-and-allspice-Thanksgivingy goodness. Cucumber-melon bath products. The mixture of Irish Spring soap and Old Spice aftershave. Freshly mown grass. Newly churned soil after a heavy rain. Gosh, I could go on and on.

Mom: I want a car for Christmas. I know you cannot buy me a car. I know that would not be fair to the other kids, even if you could afford it. But I need a new car. And a new bed. But both are pretty expensive and kind of lame as gifts (because necessities make sad gifts). So maybe an iPad? I don't know. I'll start my list soon, I promise. Probably books, a few CDs, and a movie or two. Oh, and maybe a guest post from you. Because my readers seem to want it. And I think it would be AMAZING! So that, too.

And one of you clever people asked about my favorite holiday. Two days ago, I would have said Christmas--lots of food, the family together, people give me stuff, I get to make people smile by giving them stuff, ALL of the baby Jesus stuff, twinkle lights and decorations, ALL THAT IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. But then. Yesterday, I invented a holiday. And it's definitely my new favorite. It's called All Quitter's Day (also known as My Day Of Jubilee). Every year on September 26th, anyone who hates their jobs and wants to quit but cannot work up the courage or feels obligated to stay for very silly and only half-valid reasons is allowed to QUIT THEIR JOBS GUILT-FREE. Like I did. Yesterday. And every year, on September 25th (henceforth known as All Quitter's Eve), we will all partake in gratuitous sleeping pill use to calm the crazies in our bellies and the racing in our chests and to work up the courage necessary for the next day. I think this will catch on, don't you?

Someone else asked about my dream job and whether that was against the rules. Yes and no. My dream job in a career/vocational sense is kind of off limits, because it directly relates to what I'm doing right now. But, in general terms, I would like a job that utilizes my talents and pushes me to grow without throwing me in the deep end sans support or guidance and then ridicules me when I fail. And I would like to work for a nice, smart boss who is in the office more that he is not and coworkers who are supportive and friendly without being all up in my personal business. And I would like to be able to leave work at work when I go home. But really? At the end of the day? My dream job is to be a wife and mother. I like working (theoretically, if I could get a good boss) and will do it if I need to after I have kids. But I would love to stay home a keep house and raise decent human beings and spend my day with the people I love and care about. That's the dream.

This same person also posed the ice cream question. I will eat almost any kind of ice cream (please no chunks of frozen fruit), but my hands-down favorite right now is Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino ice cream. YUM!

Finally, one of you asked about how I express myself when I'm passionate about my topic. I will tell you: VERY LOUDLY and with lots.of.hand.gestures. I have a volume modulation problem most days. I have a voice that projects and some good lungs in my chest, so I have worked all of my life to use my indoor voice. It's actually rather embarrassing, because I often don't realize it and sometimes can't help it. And when I get passionate? All my hard work goes out the window. And also? I'm an incredibly passionate person. It's kind of exhausting, but I have this innate drive to debate and discover and discuss and interact. And I also usually have strong opinions. So my passion bubbles up a lot and so does my volume. The last time I got into a passionate conversation was either regarding how my boss treats me (badly, and I'm indignant) or the direction of our church's Youth Group (because I love those kids and want the best for them). I would rather it be about politics or religion or philosophy or something, because those are fun and also a little less "immediately personal."

So those are my answers. And a lot of extra information. And a prize of sorts. If you found it and it was the kind of thing that you would call a prize. I mean, I did. But maybe you all don't care. And I have no barometer of my sneakiness, so maybe it was obvious. Or maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about. But I'm leaving it as is and we'll figure it out later. And I would apologize for how long this post is, but all this information is CRUCIAL (heh...) and also it's not that much longer than my normal blathering, so... You know. Not sorry.

Sunday Meet and Greet

Happy Sunday! I've been really awful at posting on the weekends, so I wrote this Friday afternoon and scheduled it for Sunday, which is today, I guess. When you're reading it. But it's actually two days from now, when I'm writing it. This is freaking me out. Can I tell the future now? Anyway, I'm not sure I trust this whole scheduling thing and I thought this might be a post to test it out on. Wow. Ending a sentence on two prepositions. I'm going to glide on over to the next paragraph and pretend I didn't just do that.

I know I did this a while back, but I feel like I have a whole different set of readers (but a very grateful shout out to those who have been here forever!). So today, I'm going to ask you some questions to get to know you all. Then you get to ask me questions in return. It's as simple as that. Ready? Set? Go.


1. Are you married or single? Or even trying to be married or trying to be single?

2. Do you have children? If not, are you planning to? If yes, how many do you have and do you ever want to give one or more of them away? (I may or may not be in the market)

3. What is your favorite day of the week?

4. Tell me one obscure thing about you--something that makes you unique or special or different or weird.

5. If you could change one small thing abut the world, what is it and why? Not like "world peace" or anything. More like "I wish every body always brushed their teeth" or "I would eliminate all dryer lint."

6. Who is your favorite blogger? (I'm not fishing for compliments here, I'm looking for new material and/or getting to know your taste) Also, do you blog and am I reading you? Because I should be.

7. Tell me your BEST childhood memory. OR? Tell me your EARLIEST childhood memory. Or both.

8. Do you tweet? Do I follow you? Do you follow me?

9. What do you value most? This is vague on purpose.

10. When you fold your hands, which thumb is closest to you, left or right?


So answer as many (all, none (except not none because that's not fun at all!), some, one) as you feel like answering. Then ask whatever you feel like asking (just remember my rules). Have you always wondered what shampoo I use? That would be a little weird, but I'd tell you (Dove). Do you want to know more about Satan's Cat? I've got stories, let me tell you. Are you interested in my views on pharmaceutical companies? I don't really have any, but I'd make some up for you!

So go answer! Then ask!

Rambling, Prompts, and Other Nonsense

Well, yesterday, I said I was back. And being back requires more than one post a week. I think. That probably means I need to reestablish the habit of posting every day. I figure if I type long enough, I'll finally hit on something you people want to read. I'm pretty sure most of you are only reading out of some loyalty obligation at this point, not out of any real interest in what I have to say. Maybe that's insulting to you all? Sorry. I was going for self-deprecation. 

Anyways, moving on. To distraction, apparently: The TV is on while I'm typing this and someone on one of those "testimonial" infomercial spots just said something to the effect of "It's like the credit card companies want to keep you in debt." Umm.... Yes. This should not need further explanation. If it does, cut up your credit card right now. Just do it. You'll thank me later.

Where was I? Ah yes, in the middle of a ramble that was hopefully going to lead me to a topic for today's post. Don't you all love how well thought out and planned these posts are? Sometimes I see bloggers participating in one of those stream-of-consciousness memes (don't get me started on memes) and I think "That's not how they write all the time?" because that's totally my MO. Sure, occasionally, I know exactly what I want to write about and I just sit down and write. But most of the time? I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. 

But since yesterday's post was such crap (sorry again to those who liked it...), I think I should actually talk about something tonight. And that something is...

***The sound of a The Price Is Right style "Wheel of Topics" is heard in the background.***

Well, according to creativewritingprompts.com's Prompt #281, my topic for tonight is "9 Good Reasons to Break Off a Wedding. I think I can do something with this, regardless of the facts that a. I have yet to be in a relationship lasting more than a holiday weekend and b. I have never even been asked to be IN someone else's wedding.

Elise's Nine Reasons to Break Off a Wedding--From a Bride's Perspective (Because I'm a Girl and Because I Don't Have to Justify My Self-Imposed Rules to You)

1. The Groom insists on inviting all his ex-girlfriends. "Honey, I'm not asking you to make them bridesmaids or anything.... Unless you want to, because that would be kind of perfect, actually."
2. At the tux fitting, you find yourself more attracted to your future father-in-law than you are to the groom. The same goes for brothers-in-law, groomsmen, or the tailor.
3. He proposed by saying, "Well, I guess... Maybe... Marriage doesn't sound too awful. Heck, why not?"
4. The term "Sister-Wife" is used in any context. Or you actually ARE his sister. Because. No. Just. No.
5. The Mother of the Groom shows up to the wedding dressed in a cheetah-print, skintight catsuit with strategically placed cut-outs and then proceeds to greet your future-husband with a sloppy wet kiss on the lips. Trust me, if this happens, he has more issues than you're willing to deal with. Also, you will be embarrassed to show your children the wedding photos.
6. His plan for the honeymoon: you, him, and his entire family (and maybe one of his old college buddies) in an RV or small cabin for a month.
7. You or he (or both) need any kind of controlled substance to work up the courage to walk down the aisle.
8. The Groom is a Zombie. Or an alligator. Or in any other way linked to an impending apocalypse. 
9. The Groom refuses to add any of his family or friends to the guest list and you realize you've never met anyone who knew him before you, but he does agree to add his "coworkers" who turn out to be really large, angry-looking men that happen to be armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons and brass knuckles.

But these are ONLY nine reasons to call off a wedding. There are hundreds more. Pretty much, if you think you should, you're probably at least half right. Tune in next week when I tell you Elise's Nine Reasons to Break Up Someone Else's Wedding. This could get ugly, people...

The Agony We Choose

Hi everybody! Thank you for the kind words and helpful tactics (and horror stories) you all shared last week. Was it last week? Or the week before? Geez! I haven't posted in ages. I know. I'm suffering a considerable amount of guilt over it. This was my worst fear when starting a blog... That I would get a few months in and run out of steam. Out of interest. Out of things to say.

Except that I still have all KINDS of things to say. I just can't talk about them here. First, because of The Rules. And second, because of... The Uninteresting Whining. Because that is all it would be. Rage and whining and nothing worth reading. Aren't you glad I've stayed silent? And in case you're wondering, nothing has changed yet. But I'm choosing to rise above. Well, today, I am. Who knows about tomorrow...

I also kind of unplugged from all social media. I threw myself into this (blogging, tweeting, commenting, reading, participating) when I first started and I loved it. I met a lot of cool people, had some crazy-awesome Twitter conversations, and have made some genuine friends. And I still love it. But I haven't figured out the balance of it yet. Because as soon as I joined Twitter under this name, I stopped checking Facebook under my REAL name. Now, Facebook drives me crazier than almost anything, so this might be a good break, but I have to ask myself if all of this is worth it if it causes me to abandon my real-life relationships...

Plus, now that I follow more than twelve people on Twitter, it's hard to keep up with the stream. And you know how much I love to read things from the beginning and all the way through. But that is practically impossible! So last weekend, I kind of unplugged from everything and then never replugged.

But I miss my people. I miss the crazy tweets and the comments. And I miss expressing myself and having people respond. You know, the reasons I got into this in the first place. So I'm back and trying again.

Has anyone realized that this post has basically been about nothing so far? Well, we're going to change that right now. I'm going to ramble aimlessly, but it's going to be ABOUT something. About my plans for the evening. Hey! I'm easing back in. No judging.

Tonight, I am at Mom and Papa's house for dinner. Supposedly because Sister wants to watch the Cubs game with Mom. But mostly because Mom offered to cook. Which actually sounds like it's going to end up with Mom picking up pizza. Because it's Two for Tuesday at Papa Johns. I may have referred to this as Bad Decision Tuesday in the past. But that's only because I was alone with two extra large Hawaiian pizzas and Satan's Cat was powerless to stop the calories, not because this pizza is a bad decision. This pizza is the BEST DECISION EVER!

So we will eat pizza. And they will watch baseball. I will not be watching baseball. Because even though I was raised a Cubs fan (my parents grew up in Illinois), played t-ball as a child (read: picked clover in out in left field), and can talk about the game more knowledgeably than any other sport and most other hobbies (just don't get me started on horse racing), I pretty much HATE baseball.

Okay, that's not true. I just hate talking about baseball. I actually enjoy the game. I like watching it on TV. When I lived close to a city with a team, I liked going to live games. I liked watching my brother play for most of his childhood and adolescence (mostly I liked the ballpark junk food and playing with Barbies under the bleachers, that's pretty much the same). I like baseball. I just can't get worked up about it. I can't find any passion for it.

Sister, however, has. Located. The. Passion. She LIVES AND BREATHES baseball. Okay, maybe that's a little strong. But she has like seven apps on her iPhone to help her keep track of the Cubs and the NL Central, she reads at least three sports bloggers, and she watched or DVRs almost every game. And it makes her happy, so I don't complain. Much.

But I have personally given up on the Cubs. It's been 103 years, people. It's no longer optimistic. It's no longer hopeful. It's just plan masochistic. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Sister. But this is not really new information to either of you, am I right? I love you...

So while they enjoy the pain of the predictable ninth inning give-away, I'll be reading my book. A book that was foist upon me by a friend who claimed it was an amazing series and I HAD to read it. It's teen fantasy, which is not my normal cup of tea, but I'm pretty willing to try anything on the recommendation of a friend. And it's not THAT bad. Except that the main character found out (near the end of the first book) that her love interest is her brother. Which is weird and whatever, but I think we're all aware that this will turn out to be a lie or a red herring or something. EXCEPT THAT I'M FULLY INTO THE THIRD BOOK AND HE'S STILL HER BROTHER! AND THEY'RE STILL MAKING OUT OCCASIONALLY!!! But I cant stop reading now. Because I have to find out. If I leave now, it's like it's true and it will always be true. But if I keep reading, there's a chance it's not.

Well I guess we all find our own ways to punish ourselves, huh... So, in the grand tradition of blogging (starting discussions about things-that-no-one-ever-thinks-to-discuss-but-are-incredibly-important-to-discuss), tell me about the ways you've been punishing yourself recently. Er... Uh... Not that kind of self-punishment... Come on, people, you know what I mean! Right?