It Is Like Being In The Desert With No Water, But More TIRED

I have developed some kind of NyQuil-dependcy-induced/unemployment-linked insomnia where I just lie in bed late at night and stare at the ceiling while I begin several amusing (To me only. Probably.) blog posts that I never actually write. One of them was a bitter diatribe aimed at one Mr. W. Wonka and his misuse of the term "everlasting" as it applies to his "gobstoppers" and linking this to many of the ways movies LIE TO US. Another one was a meandering treatise on the merits of yoga pants over traditional pajama bottoms (I know, shocking).

And this Sunday, while sick, I tossed and turned from midnight until 4:30 AM (and then again from 6:00 AM until 8:00 AM) and the more tired I got, the faster my thoughts moved. Not as in: faster thoughts = more efficient and effective thinking. More like: faster thoughts = more frenetic explanations of topics I ALREADY UNDERSTAND but have seemingly forgotten that NO ONE ELSE IS LISTENING since none of this is OUT LOUD. Or you know, coherent.

I'm not kidding. I got halfway through a stern lecture on the difference between "health insurance" and "state-paid health care" (In case you're wondering, the lecture went something like this: "Health insurance" is a tool to mitigate risk and "state-paid health care" is a benefit to citizens regardless of risk. So, no matter where you land in that particular debate, we should probably at least be using the terms correctly, ET CETERA!), before I realized that NO ONE CARES because I am the only one inside my head and I DON'T CARE I JUST WANT TO SLEEP OH MY WORD SHUT UP!

Anyway, at one point during this fugue episode, I began transcribing my thoughts as if I was going to tweet them. Which? Basically just means you think every thought twice, but the second time, you do it in 140 characters or less. It was FANTASTIC, let me tell you! Erm....

Several days for the last few weeks (the ones before I got sick), I helped Sister-In-Law paint her house. She couldn't pay em in money (no would I want her to), so she paid me in calories. TWO BAGEL TUESDAY, BABY! And I thought, after six to eight hours of manual labor (climbing ladders, lifting buckets, moving furniture, and actually painting), I would be exhausted and go right to sleep. HA! I lay in bed, unwilling to move any muscle and completely worn out. FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

This must END, people.

Okay, you know what? I wrote all of the above paragraphs yesterday evening, hoping if I blogged WHENEVER I had the inspiration, I would actually get some blogging done. I got interrupted and was going to finish it in the morning. Do you know what time "morning" came today?! DO YOU? It was NOON. Which is not morning AT ALL!

Do you know why I woke up at NOON?! Because I did. Not. Fall. Asleep. Until. Five. Fifteen. AM.

FIVE-FIFTEEN! And the only reason I fell asleep then was because I finally took a Benadryl. Was I having an allergic reaction to something? NO I WAS NOT! Unless there is such a thing as ALLERGIC TO SLEEPING. And then yes, I think I might have been.


Any tips? Tricks? Suggestions? Sledge hammers you are willing to lend?

[This post originally shared the same title as a controversial "children's" book (which was actually intended for sleep deprived parents) begging children to please, for the love of God, BE UNCONSCIOUS. But since I don't swear on this blog, even with the vowel asterisked out, you get the lame actual title above. This is one of the rare occasions on which I wish I swore.]


  1. My mother takes melatonin about 30 minutes before she wants to be asleep. It never did anything for me, but she swears by it.

  2. I got nothin for ya. I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 6:00 a.m. Last night I got in bed at 10:00 and was like, "no pressure, you have hours to fall asleep before you get anywhere close to seeing the clock strike 6:00."

    I didn't see the clock strike 6, but that's just cuz I refused to look at it. I have no idea what time I feel asleep, but I woke up after two.

  3. Sarah Pearson1/28/12, 3:27 AM

    I wish I had an answer for you. I hate insomnia, it ruins the next day.

  4. i take prescription drugs to sleep, but then it's a lot about scribbling over physical pain for me. in REAL insomnia news... i did have proper insomnia before this and read up on all the stuff... SLEEP HYGIENE they call it, and there are a lot of instructions, from getting up every morning at the same time whatever time you went to bed to - well, loads of things.
    what i CAN tell you is that listening to the world service at night is a REALLY BAD IDEA. the world service is NOT just radio 4 at night, it is a whole thing in itself, and includes horrible documentaries about war crimes and famines as well as really ugly music. to top it off, it has a theme tune at some horrible time in the morning before passing back over to R4 and perfectly sensible programmes like 'farming today'. the theme tune is VILE SEA SHANTIES and the like from all corners of our isles. nasty. and it tended to wake me up from whatever eventual slumbers i had achieved.

  5. I love that you don't swear. I wish I didn't; it's such a hard habit to unlearn.

    I've had insomnia for about 37 years (i.e. since I was born)... The ONLY thing that has worked for me (besides ambien, with which I have a love-hate relationship) is acupuncture. I know, it sounds woo-woo as all get-out but it WORKS. (You need a good acupuncturist, though. The one I go to ONLY does acupuncture, i.e. he doesn't try to sell me herbs.) (For price concerns: my insurance doesn't pay for it, and it costs $60 a session. I usually go once a month. MIRACLE CURE for me. If I slack off, I need the prescription drugs again.)

  6. Lesliewburnham1/30/12, 7:10 PM

    You have to suck it up and get up at whatever is your normal waking time, even if you just fell asleep an hour before. It's the only way.

    ... Leslie

  7. Have you tried melatonin? It's been known to be helpful.

    Long time no comment - sorry about that!

  8. Oh, my poor girl! Does it help to tell you that I thought this post was awesomely hilarious, I love your rants. And I know, it's hard. Really hard, but you're strong. You can do this.

  9. I tried it for two nights on the recommendation of my brother, who works night shifts. And it really worked! Except for the massive headache I had the next day. I did some reading and I think I just need a smaller dose. But after those two nights, I was back on a normal schedule without it and was doing okay. Until I read a book until 5:00 am. Because I am ridiculous and melatonin cannot help stupidity.

  10. Ugghhh! I have so been there! It is one of the most frustrating things, because you are SO tired and it DOESN'T MATTER!

  11. HA! Vile sea shanties. I love it!