Last year, when I had to relocate for a few months because of my job with Crazy Boss Lady, one of the only things that kept me from harming myself or others were the e-mails Sister and I exchanged throughout the day. It was a tiny pressure release several times an hour. The following is a copied and slightly redacted version of one of our many e-mail streams. If you need background information on Crazy Boss Lady, read this post. Oh, and the subject of each day’s e-mail was a movie or TV quote. Bonus points to anyone who can figure out the source of this one.
WARNING: This may be funny to no one but me and Sister (and please note the incredibly codependent way I leaned on her during this time. Some things haven’t changed…Also, note the overuse of emoticons. I think I was compensating.)
“Okay, but this is seriously the LAST thing I do before I quit!”
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 8:09 AM):
I have managed to start the day off with Crazy Boss Lady ticked at me before we even got to the office. Want to know how you do that? It's really easy. Don't be told what time they want to leave and make your best guess, because you’re not allowed to ask. No matter what it is, you're going to be wrong. But if you don't try, you're wrong then, too. 8:00 am meeting? Plan to leave at 7:45 am because no one told you different? 7:35 am was the ticket...
I have tried covertly asking her what time we’re leaving and no matter how I slice it, I get into trouble. A few weeks ago, she was talking about the next morning and said, "I think... nine o'clock. Maybe 9:30... I'll have to think on-- Oh, by the way, did you hear about ______?" And then went off on a twenty minute tangent and never got back to the point. The next morning, I decided to clarify, since "9:00 or maybe 9:30 or maybe I'll think about it and come up with a firm answer" didn't seem too specific to me. When I asked, I got this response, "Elise, didn't we talk about this last night? I already gave you my answer. Remember we talked about you asking about this and that you should take my first answer unless I change my mind?" So I went into my room and shot myself.
Okay, not really on the last part. But a lesser person might have been tempted to...
DISCLAIMER: I am in no danger of doing harm to myself or in any way attempting to end my life.
Other people's lives are a whole different ball of wax....
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:16 AM):
I hate my job. I can't even explain the minute and various ways Crazy Boss Lady makes me feel stupid and how she drives me crazy. I've got to start focusing on the things I'm grateful for or I'm going to lose it.
Here's what I have so far:
1. I did my absolute best to anticipate what time I was supposed to be out of the house today. I could not have done anything different with the information I had.
2. Janet invited me to Easter at her house. Which I think is exactly what I need.
3. I now have two W2 forms winging their way to me so that I can do my taxes on time.
4. I was left alone for almost an hour and a half this morning in the office, which means I didn't have to deal with the crazy for part of this day.
5. I kept my cool and was gracious (I think, I hope...) in the three obnoxious situations I have had to deal with already with the Queen of Mount Coffeelava.
6. I got a new picture of [brand spanking new] Niece.
7. My brother is really sweet, even if he tries to play the tough guy.
8. I'm working on it.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:33 AM):
Those are all really good. I would add:
9. People love you. Especially me.
10. People miss you. Especially me.
11. You didn't get hit by a bus on the way to work this morning. I think we're both grateful for that.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:38 AM):
I'm clinging to 9, since it's getting harder and harder to believe that here in the vortex of human emotions. I'm hoping 10 is true, because it would be really pathetic if it weren't. And 11 is negligible... Okay, not really (See earlier disclaimer). But I bet if I were hit by a bus and moderately-to-severely injured, they'd have to let me go home... :) Not that I'll go looking for any buses, or anything.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:39 AM):
DON'T GO LOOKING FOR BUSES!!
12. You have a sister that looks out for you.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:45 AM):
13. [Creepy Old Man] thinks I'm beautiful. I still can't decide if this is something I can find the good in and leave behind the bad, but I'm trying... We'll see.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:46 AM):
No. That's not OK.
13. I think you're beautiful.
Yes, that's better.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:49 AM):
13. Crazy Boss Lady thinks I'm beautiful and "could make something" of me on the pageant circuit... I'm not sure this works either. Somehow, I end up feeling ugly and also patronized...
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:51 AM):
13. I think you're beautiful.
14. You don't have to go on the pageant circuit to prove your worth, but you'd still kick ass without her help.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 10:59 AM):
Now 14 I can get on board with!
15. I love you. You're awesome.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 11:03 AM):
So my Easter dress solid teal. But last night I was having doubts about finding shoes and thinking how much easier it would be to get the lilac one on Target’s website, since I already have shoes and jewelry to match it.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 11:10 AM):
I prefer the teal. And white shoes work for Easter, but black or brown are completely acceptable. Just make it strappy. Also, how much do you love that Target gives you the option to "Search by sleeve length"? I think it's pretty much genius!
16. Papa and Mom calling me randomly through the day to check on me just because they know I need to hear their voices.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 11:11 AM):
"Get me a shoe, and make it strappy!"
17. Your sister's kinda funny.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 11:31 AM):
17. My sister's REALLY funny. And also thinks a lot like her sister. :)
18. Colored tabs may be a pain in the ass, but they're pretty. I am trying to be grateful for the pretty. Also, that I was allowed to give my OCD free range on this ridiculous assignment. :)
19. Water coolers of filtered water and cute purple metal water bottles help me to get all of my water for WeightWatchers. And they give me a reason to escape the office to both fill it up and then to "empty" it out of my body.
20. Her meeting may take a while today, since I think they're tackling the budget-- this means no crazy for at least an hour. :)
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 11:36 AM):
20. Scratch that. No budget. But she has been gone for 36 minutes, which must be the grace of God. Also, that means I'm only 24 minutes from lunch... :)
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 12:54 PM):
21. This ordinal is greater than or equal to the number of days until you come home, barring a special session. You have more grateful things today than days left on relocation!
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 12:59 PM):
OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BACK! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN! YOU'RE BAAAAAACK!!!!!
(Over-reaction is my state of mind right now...)
22. I love my sister's emotional mathematics. Or mathematical emotions...
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 1:04 PM):
Wow. Yes. I'm back. :)
23. Mom left a present waiting on your bed for when you get home.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 1:08 PM):
24. For half of an irrational second, I thought you meant my bed here. I actually got halfway through wondering how she would get it on my bed here before I realized what you meant. I am trying to be grateful for a present at all. :)
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 1:09 PM):
Awww...now I'm bummed for disappointing you.
25. It could be worse. You could be Miley Cyrus's sound engineer at her recording studio. Now there's a job with ANNOYING written all over it.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 1:12 PM):
25. I happen to like Miley Cyrus. I would be grateful to have that job. It would be better than this job.
26. I have to go pick up an extra copy of an interview with Crazy Boss Lady at the local news station (I have no idea why we need 2 of them, but I go where I'm told), but at least I get to get out of the office and see the sky once today. :)
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 1:17 PM):
27. Her meeting was postponed at 11:45 am. Usually, they just cancel and reschedule. Instead, they took a break until 1:00 pm. Which means she's back in the meeting now and out of my hair. As soon as the cronies get back, I'm out of here, but it's nice to know she won't be popping in on me with stupid tasks... :)
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 2:59 PM):
28. I ran into one of my elementary school teachers and he recognized me. Okay, he asked for my last name and then recognized it from Brother and I had to tell him he taught me, too, but that he had probably blocked it from his memory because I was one of those terrifying little girls who cried frequently... :)
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:07 PM):
28 makes me laugh. :) Just the way it devolved...
29. You're still funny.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:19 PM):
30. I have prepared Crazy Boss Lady, to the best of my ability given the expressed expectations, for her 4:30 pm meeting on the audit. And I'm kind of a genius. They just can't see it. :)
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:35 PM):
She may not be happy with it, but it's all I can do. I also think she's hit the 3:00 zone where nothing actually sticks to her grey matter long enough for her to get angry or excited about it. She's pretty much done absorbing information or making substantive decisions by 1:00 pm, even if the day requires those things until 6:00 (which is a strong argument that a person should not get up at 4:30 every morning if you have to work until 6:00 pm, but I'm only 23 and I don't know what I'm talking about...). The most exciting thing about this is that some of those things that don't stick on Monday afternoon don't bounce off either. They slide along the surface until Tuesday morning (or even Friday noon), when they finally stick and actually come back to bite you. Usually taken out of context, given a sassy tone, and with the words all mixed around. It's like a Russian Roulette of Emotional Angst.
31. I have stayed within the WeightWatchers points I planned to consume prior to dinner (with the addition of four cinnamon jelly bellies, which can't really count, right?) and I'm not feeling inclined at the moment to bust out the p-corn.
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:43 PM):
31 is MUY MUY bueno. You are good leetle girl.
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:50 PM):
32? The Queen of Mount Coffeelava is back. I am grateful that God is trying to teach me patience?
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:50 PM):
I’m Ron Burgundy?
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:56 PM):
Exactly. I'm not sure I can be grateful. However, she hasn't spoken in about 7 minutes. That can be my 32. :)
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 3:57 PM):
33. Less than three hours until you get to go home for the night. I say that because it really should be only an hour, but you never know with your boss. But you're still well over half done with your day!
SISTER (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 4:28 PM):
Solve for "i":
9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u)
ELISE (Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 4:51 PM):
You're weird. And i<3u, too. :)
UPDATE: Bonus points, everybody! Crazy Boss Lady just walked into my office to tell me something about our building (I work near her, but not for her). She left and then came back, gave me a great big hug, told me she loved me, was so glad we were talking again, and that she's so glad she gave me my "start" in the industry. This post about her amazing heights of idiocy was open on my screen while she was HUGGING ME! Seriously. I cannot make this stuff up!