8.17.2011

I Have No Answers or Excuses--I'm Sorry For This

Here are some things you need to know:
  • Nothing has changed in my life in two months. I wouldn't have a problem with this except that there are some bad things going on in my life right now and I could stand a little bit of change (Kim at Let Me Start By Saying... had a good analogy about lemon shaped bruises). Instead, I get nochange (Nochange is a THING. It IS. Leave me alone). So, just FYI: Misery isn't that funny. Neither is this blog. There is a correlation.
  • I was driving down the highway the other day and saw an interesting sight. A man was driving an old (probably late 1980s) model Honda Passport--a junky old SUV with dings and large rust spots. He was wearing a t-shirt that he'd cut the sleeves off of, so it was like an extra low-budget muscle shirt. He was pale, flabby and past middle age. Then he stuck his hand out his open window to flick some ash off of his CIGAR! I didn't know how to process this. My brain says cigar = high society/rich/pretentious, but junker car + homemade muscle shirt + flabby white guy = something other than classy/rich/pretentious. I didn't get a look at his face, but I'm kind of guessing pornstache. You?
  • I have a REAL post written and all ready to go. But I was feeling self conscious about it, so I sent it to Sister for review. She hasn't read it yet. So, let's blame her that you get a blog in bullets today, shall we?
  • I've decided that I'm not allowed to clear my feedreader or look at Twitter during the day until I have written a post. I'm hoping this will lead to more posting, but I could just stop going on the Internet. We'll see...
  • Twitter is a time suck of massive proportions and I never seem to keep ahead of it. Maybe I'm following too many people? I actually went through and unfollowed a bunch of people whose tweets I generally ignore, because c'mon. What's the point of following someone who doesn't post information relevant to my interest? Except. Now I have this massive guilt every time someone follows me. I feel obligated to follow back. Plus, I feel this pressure to tweet interesting/funny/relevant things to make it worth following me. You'd think I was Catholic with all of this guilt I'm carrying around.
  • Umm... Catholic jokes? Funny or offensive? My funny sensors aren't functioning properly. I mean, jokes with the Pope in it seem to be pretty funny (Popes in a Volkswagen!). But maybe that's just because "Pope" is a funny sounding word. Where's the line?
  • Speaking of lines, I have a whole OTHER post written about lines. But I think it might just be grammatically obnoxious and morally depressing. I'm leaving it as a draft for a while to see if anything gets better. We're going on a week, so I'm thinking the outlook is a bit dim.
  • Back to Twitter (I got distracted by the Catholics): If you're following me and you think I'm a jerk for not following back AND you think your tweets would be relevant to my interests/that I will fall in love with you/be your new Twitter BFF, direct message me. I can't promise I'll follow forever, but I'm willing to give it a chance.
  • Word of warning... if most of your tweets are flowery pseudo-philosophical nonsense stolen from someone who self-published a self-help book and/or four-square-esque updates about you being places I have no interest in A. being or B. knowing you're there, I might not even give you a chance... Sorry. Take solace in the fact that many other twitterers agree with me. Ooops. Maybe that's only solace for me...
  • I have a lot of split ends and my eyebrows look like a small woodland creature has taken up residence on my face. I have no idea why you need to know this, but I'm sharing anyways. I should go see my hairdresser, but it's pretty difficult to time off of work right now. I kind of want to ask my boss, "Do you want a furry-woodland-creature-faced employee or do you want to lose my 'productivity' one half hour early at the end of a Thursday?" And by 'productivity' I mean blogging...But the boss isn't completely read in on the whole blogging thing. So I'll stay furry for a while.
  • I love Pandora. But today, I wish it was an actual person with an actual body so that I can grab it by the front of its shirt and shake it while asking, "WHY WOULD YOU PLAY AVRIL LAVIGNE ON THE SAME STATION AS DAUGHTRY AND ONEREPUBLIC? WHY???"
  • I'm drinking free coffee. I like free coffee. I especially like that I got this free coffee after eating lunch with my mother. I like my mother. Actually, on a list of things I like, coffee and my mother are totally  top five. So, today is a good day. Better than most, at least. Thanks for suggesting lunch, Mom. And for paying. I like when you pay. I also like you. In case you're worried, my liking you is not dependent on you paying for things.
  • I thought that these bullets might disguise it, but I'm giving in. This is not a well thought-out, planned, or even bullet-worthy post. It's just stream of consciousness rambling. I'm hoping that the bullets keep you from thinking I'm crazy. Probably not, huh?
  • It is pouring today. We don't often get a deluge like this, complete with thunder and lightning. But every once in a while, we do. And I love it. I don't love getting wet so much, but sitting indoors watching the rain pelt the earth and hearing the crash of the heavens is pretty cool. But these things are only fun if you get to be indoors, be near a window, and have time to enjoy it. I've mostly been dashing to my car praying I don't fall off my high heels and land in a puddle. Completely possible. I'm a dancer, remember? This is not to say that I'm not loving the storm. I am. I'm just wishing I wasn't missing so much of it.
  • Today is the first day of school for most of the kids in my town. It makes me a little bit nostalgic. But not enough that I actually miss going to school. Because ew.
  • We have Youth Group tonight. Last week, the kids were extra squirrely and I felt badly for all the teachers that would have to handle them this week. I'm not sure if a whole day of sitting still and listening will make tonight easier (because they're primed and disciplined) or even worse (because THEY'VE BEEN STILL ALL DAY LONG AND WILL NOT STAND IT FOR ONE. MORE. SECOND.) We shall see. I think I know which one my money's on.
  • I have to pee (damn you, free coffee!!). So I guess this is as good a place as any to stop the rambling and hit publish. See you tomorrow. At which point, I will hopefully have an ACTUAL post for you. If Sister doesn't want the job, I bet my mom will read it for me. Because she likes me. Most days.

9 comments:

  1. I always say the only thing funnier than spousal abuse is chimps in clothing. So clearly I don't think there's a line when it comes to comedy. It just has to be funny.

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  2. Sarah Pearson8/17/11, 6:43 PM

    I haven't been following you for long enough to know what's up, but I hope things get better for you soon.

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  3. metacognitivethoughts8/17/11, 8:53 PM

    So this has been sitting in my inbox for years under the heading of Catholic humor. Sorry for the weird formatting and random capitalization. I fixed some of it.

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
    "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
    She answers,"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could Say or ask that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK.
    My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

    This summer I had a rule of no computer, (which meant no facebook, blogs, twitter, email, freecell) until after school and I am hoping to continue that this fall, just because I found that I actuallly got to school, and studied if I wasn't on the computer. On the days that I would try to limit myself to just five websites I would often spend way too much time on just one more site, one more link. And eventually I would be late or skip class or not do some assignment. So my self-imposed goal/rule is the internet is only for after school hours. I think that if I can keep it will be better in the long-run.

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  4. Ha! Yes, the line gets pretty blurry from time to time...Of it just fades away.

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  5. Thanks! Even if you've been reading from the beginning, you probably wouldn't know what going on, because I'm all vague and mysterious (heh...). I'm just a combination complainer-avoider, so I never give the whole story, but I give it in an excellent whiny voice. :)

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  6. I love it! And I used to make rules for myself in college--I wasn't allowed to start any fiction books during midterms or in the two weeks surrounding finals. I usually broke those rules pretty fast, though.

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  7. metacognitivethoughts8/18/11, 8:04 PM

    The rules I break the fastest are incentives. So if I read three pages I get to watch a comercial-comercial chunk of tv, and then I end up watching the whole show. Or if after every math problem I get a jelly bean I end up eating all of the green ones before I open the math book. tend to work better with exclusion don't do this utnil this is done.

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  8. Oh Pandora... Pandora & I haven't quite yet come to an understanding, but I used to post about it a lot.
    http://beanonparade.blogspot.com/2010/12/quantifiable-data-specificity-and-rest.html
    http://beanonparade.blogspot.com/2010/08/internet-knows-i-like-david-bowie.html

    also, I'll be praying for your lemons & bruises & that you don't fall off your high heels. It's somehow worse when a tall girl falls of of heels, I don't know why...

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  9. It's because we have further to fall. That's why it's worse. Thanks for the prayers. I truly believe that these lemons have meaning and that these bruises will heal and make me stronger. It's just hard to sit still until that happens. So thank you. You guys make my life so much richer!

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