8.31.2011

Rambling, Prompts, and Other Nonsense

Well, yesterday, I said I was back. And being back requires more than one post a week. I think. That probably means I need to reestablish the habit of posting every day. I figure if I type long enough, I'll finally hit on something you people want to read. I'm pretty sure most of you are only reading out of some loyalty obligation at this point, not out of any real interest in what I have to say. Maybe that's insulting to you all? Sorry. I was going for self-deprecation. 
Anyways, moving on. To distraction, apparently: The TV is on while I'm typing this and someone on one of those "testimonial" infomercial spots just said something to the effect of "It's like the credit card companies want to keep you in debt." Umm.... Yes. This should not need further explanation. If it does, cut up your credit card right now. Just do it. You'll thank me later.

Where was I? Ah yes, in the middle of a ramble that was hopefully going to lead me to a topic for today's post. Don't you all love how well thought out and planned these posts are? Sometimes I see bloggers participating in one of those stream-of-consciousness memes (don't get me started on memes) and I think "That's not how they write all the time?" because that's totally my MO. Sure, occasionally, I know exactly what I want to write about and I just sit down and write. But most of the time? I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. 

But since yesterday's post was such crap (sorry again to those who liked it...), I think I should actually talk about something tonight. And that something is...

***The sound of a The Price Is Right style "Wheel of Topics" is heard in the background.***

Well, according to creativewritingprompts.com's Prompt #281, my topic for tonight is "9 Good Reasons to Break Off a Wedding. I think I can do something with this, regardless of the facts that a. I have yet to be in a relationship lasting more than a holiday weekend and b. I have never even been asked to be IN someone else's wedding.

Elise's Nine Reasons to Break Off a Wedding--From a Bride's Perspective (Because I'm a Girl and Because I Don't Have to Justify My Self-Imposed Rules to You)

  1. The Groom insists on inviting all his ex-girlfriends. "Honey, I'm not asking you to make them bridesmaids or anything.... Unless you want to, because that would be kind of perfect, actually."
  2. At the tux fitting, you find yourself more attracted to your future father-in-law than you are to the groom. The same goes for brothers-in-law, groomsmen, or the tailor.
  3. He proposed by saying, "Well, I guess... Maybe... Marriage doesn't sound too awful. Heck, why not?"
  4. The term "Sister-Wife" is used in any context. Or you actually ARE his sister. Because. No. Just. No.
  5. The Mother of the Groom shows up to the wedding dressed in a cheetah-print, skintight catsuit with strategically placed cut-outs and then proceeds to greet your future-husband with a sloppy wet kiss on the lips. Trust me, if this happens, he has more issues than you're willing to deal with. Also, you will be embarrassed to show your children the wedding photos.
  6. His plan for the honeymoon: you, him, and his entire family (and maybe one of his old college buddies) in an RV or small cabin for a month.
  7. You or he (or both) need any kind of controlled substance to work up the courage to walk down the aisle.
  8. The Groom is a Zombie. Or an alligator. Or in any other way linked to an impending apocalypse. 
  9. The Groom refuses to add any of his family or friends to the guest list and you realize you've never met anyone who knew him before you, but he does agree to add his "coworkers" who turn out to be really large, angry-looking men that happen to be armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons and brass knuckles.

But these are ONLY nine reasons to call off a wedding. There are hundreds more. Pretty much, if you think you should, you're probably at least half right. Tune in next week when I tell you Elise's Nine Reasons to Break Up Someone Else's Wedding. This could get ugly, people...


6 comments:

  1. Cleats and Flip Flops8/31/11, 8:13 PM

    All are truly valid points...

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  2. Sarah Pearson8/31/11, 11:28 PM

    But what if it's a really cute zombie?

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  3. This was so freaking fantastic! Number two made me spit out my drink, it sounds the most benign of all of them, but it struck me as super hilarious. I had a friend get married at the house of her groom's ex-girlfriend. WTF?

    If I wasn't already married, I would totally have you in my wedding.

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  4. Meh. To each her own, I guess. Just know that you'll have to pick sides in the impending apocalypse and his buddies may not be so nice to you...

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  5. Thanks! If you weren't already married, I would totally force myself into your wedding. ;) I wouldn't break it up, though. Because, despite his propensity to make out with home decor items, it seems like you got a good one.

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