I've been feeling kind of low lately. Kind of empty. And I know that when [on the rare occasion that] I post [at all lately], it's usually some kind of administrative information or it's humorous. Or, at least, an attempt at humorous...ness. But I'm not feeling the humor so much tonight.
Maybe it's the let-down of coming home from PJs@TJ's, to which nothing else can compare in AWESOMENESS. Maybe it's because I've been living by myself for almost three weeks while Sister is out of town for job training. Maybe it's because I've been spending a lot of time with Godson and his mom, who is pregnant with a new Godson or Goddaughter due this summer and who has TWO nieces on the way as well. Or maybe it's because there were potato chips on sale a few weeks ago and I didn't buy them. Who can tell?
Whatever the trigger happened to be, I have spent the better part February incredibly lonely. And not just lonely "for the company of other human beings." Because when I feel that the house is overwhelming in its quietude, I pick up the phone or I hop in my car and I connect with other livings beings (who are not cats intent on smothering me in my sleep). It's not that I'm craving human contact, it's that I'm craving a particular human. Whom I haven't yet met.
I think it will come as a surprise to exactly NO ONE who has been reading this blog for more than a minute that I am single. S-I-N-G-L-E single. And that this is not by choice. I mean, yes, I could have chosen to throw myself at anything male with a pulse and I would be in a relationship right now, if that was all it took. So when I say ""not by choice" I guess I should say that I'm not living out my twenties in some quest to "find myself" or "put myself first" or "have a career because love and family is for later" or "casually date around with no strings attached" or even "enjoy what single life had to offer" (I'm also not saying those are poor choices; they're just not MY choices... But you get that, right? Because you're smart and cool and we're friends. Which means this parenthetical is actually kind of useless. So I'll use it to say hello to my mother: "Hi, Mom!" There, that's better).
If it had been up to me and not my Heavenly Father (and a decent amount of logic, parental advice, and, oh yes, A COMPLETE LACK OF OPTIONS), I would have gotten married sophomore year of college and would have 1.5 kids already... is what I'm saying.
And while this is probably sounding like a midnight pity party, thrown by an insecure Junior High girl and attended by zero guests (because, duh, LONELY!), I feel like this has been on my mind and heart lately and I need to get it out. And I realized, "Hey! I have a blog! For my thoughts! And I'm having a few of them right now!" AND? I'm not actually asking for pity. Shut up! I mean it! I'm just trying to put into words what I'm feeling. Because I cannot possibly be the only one who has ever felt this way and I strongly believe that the Internet was created for "ME, TOO!" moments (well, and probably porn, but we're not talking about that, okay?). So bear with me, will you, my friends?
You see, I think we spend a lot of time talking about loss. On television, in movies, in books, or in song. We read about heartbreak and we talk about death. We sing about the pain of losing someone or of being unable to make it work. But where is the song for the Absent Things? The things we never had in the first place, so we cannot mourn their passing?
Because the pain is there. At least for me. And I figure for others as well. There is an ache in my heart and an emptiness in my life that cannot be explained in simple terms. It's not loss. And it's not even rejection. In fact, I'm struggling right now with how to tell you without sounding like a sadsack loser who is begging the Internet to marry her.
Because I have a good life. A warm bed. A full belly. A safe home. I have more than over 80% of the world's population. And I need you to understand that I an NOT complaining about those things. I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life.
Including my family. I have a wonderful set of parents that live less than five miles away and love me in a way that I wish every kid in the world got to experience because I'm pretty sure we would not have wars or violence if everyone grew up loved the way my parents loved me. And I have a fabulous Sister who is also my best friend and whom I never want to live without. And I have a brother and sister-in-law who live five miles away (in the other direction) who are a delight and an example of what young married love can be. And I have another brother and sister-in-law and a niece (and a niece or nephew on the way) who have been a constant joy in my life and who I wish were able to live closer.
I have a family.
But I do not have a Family with a capital F. A husband. Children of my own. And there is an emptiness where they should be which does not, in any way, negate the love my family has for me or that I feel right back at them. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the desire to fill this void is a direct result of the wonderful life I have lived. I want to share it with someone.
At the risk of angering or offending women with infertility issues, I'm going to make a VERY LOOSE comparison. Since I've never tried to have a baby, I fully admit that I cannot know the depths of the pain or emptiness a family feels when they cannot have children. But in some ways, I wonder if we have something in common: for all my wishing and hoping and trying and waiting, I cannot just MAKE THIS HAPPEN for myself. And it's something that seems to have come so easily for almost everyone else around me.
Since I was in High School, the world has been pairing off around me. And when I look at all of the people I interact with on a regular basis, 95% of them are married, most with their own Families. And while everyone's "how we met" stories are personal and unique and required a certain amount of waiting and hoping and risk and whatever else, they have also ALREADY HAPPENED. They met, they fell in love, and BAM! happily ever after.
I know. I know. It's never that easy. And there are plenty of single people still out there, waiting and hoping just like me. And I'm pretty sure that SOMEDAY I will meet the man of my dreams and fall in love and BAM! happily ever after. And I will look back at all my fretting and loneliness with a kind of fondness, knowing it all paved the road that lead me to him or some other sentimental ridiculousness that is probably still true despite how sentimental and ridiculous it all seems. And I KNOW that I do not want to get ahead of myself and marry the wrong man and then end up alone ANYWAY. And I AM trusting the Lord to bring me the right man at the right time (mostly... some days... I'm trying, okay?).
But can we just stop for a moment and recognize that there is pain in the waiting? That the wanting and yearning to share your life with someone is actually UNCOMFORTABLE and LONELY and IT HURTS? That there is a space that cannot be filled by anything other than Family with a capital F and until that happens, that space is EMPTY and yet still PRESENT?
That is what I am feeling this week. A hole in my heart where HE and MY KIDS should be. A hole that will someday, by the grace of a loving and merciful God, be occupied by exactly what I need. And that will maybe not hurt so badly tomorrow if I can just find some rest in a yet-again-empty bed. That is all.
Thanks for listening and have a good night.
And can you do me a favor? Can you kiss your spouse or hug your kids and whisper a thank you for your own empty space that isn't so empty anymore? On behalf those of us still waiting?
2.20.2012
PJs@TJ's Recap (Because My Title Cleverness Escapes Me Today)
I've been back for a week now and I haven't yet been able to write a decent wrap-up of PJs@TJ's. Part of this is because I have restarted WeightWatchers in full force, including twice weekly (early morning) yoga "classes" with Sister-In-Law (I put classes in quotes because what we're really doing is moving my furniture to the edges of my living room, popping in a DVD, and trying not too sweat too much on the hardwood). Also, on Thursday night, I started reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, which meant I spent the entire weekend alternating between consuming the trilogy as fast as I could and huddling in my bed wondering if they were going to give me nightmares. It doesn't help that Sister is out of town until March, so I'm alone in the house, sleeping in an unfamiliar room, and trying not to die by cat suffocation.
But really? The main reason I haven't written a recap of PJs@TJ's? Because it is so hard to put into words just how much fun I had. Or, at least, few enough words (as you'll sense by the length of this post). The weekend schedule was pretty simple, as promised. We mostly sat around TJ's living room, eating good food and trying to have six conversations at once. And when I write it like that, it doesn't sound that interesting. And that is just plain NOT TRUE. Because it was AMAZING.
My weekend started out on an interesting note. I had spent the entire week previous at Roommate's house in the Bay Area (I have all kinds of plans to recap that as well, along with some fun pictures. But I'll get to that later), so Roommate dropped me off at the San Jose airport. The airport which was FILLED WITH BIRDS. I'm not a real big fan of birds... I mean, it's not like I watched Hitchcock's famous movie and suddenly had the FEAR of birds. I just don't really love them. They're kind of dirty and always seem to be watching me. Plus, the whole "poop on your head with no remorse, even though it is almost impossible that it wasn't intentional" thing. Ick. I do like to watch them from a great distance, like eagles soaring and such the like. But a half-dozen swallow-looking things racing each other through the concourse four feet above my head? Not so wild about that.
The plane ride was uneventful, except for the fact that I got an exit row (my six-foot-tall frame thanks you mightily, Southwest) with two really nice gentlemen. But then I landed in Phoenix and I will admit to a small amount of panic. I sent this text to Sister:
I got my bag and waited for Brooke, of Building a Kingston Castle, to pick me up. And I sent this text to Sister:
But then Brooke drove up and was exactly who she claimed to be on her blog and was incredibly nice and I got over my fear. We met up with a few others and descended on TJ's house. Well, if you can count "driving through gate guarded by servicemen and women who are carrying very large, very lethal-looking guns who take your driver's license away for fifteen minutes and I'm sure put you in some kind of database or search for you in other kinds of databases and then kindly, but sternly warn you about the dangers of breaking the speed limit on base" as descending on TJ's house, then yes. That is what we did.
Now, I have to tell you, there is nothing quite so wonderful as walking into a room full of people you have never met before who spontaneously yell things like, "BAGELS! I'm so glad you came!!" That was pretty incredible (thanks, Linnea!). I told them my real name, though I think that may have just confused the process. And by the way, if you want to know my real name or where I'm from, all you have to do is invite me to your home and feed me. If you let me hold your baby, you might even get to learn Sister's name...
We spent the rest of the evening getting to know each other in person. And I think one of the coolest things was realizing that everyone was exactly who they were on their blogs--their voices and speaking patterns matched what I heard in my head when I read their stuff. And now, after knowing them in person, their blogs are even more alive with their voices.
Then we went back to our hotels. By the way, the Holiday In Express in Glendale, Arizona? Pretty nice. And even though it was already late, I talked WAY too much to my awesome (and patient) roommate, Kammah, and kept her up for quite a while. She was nice about it though, which tells me she's pretty cool.
Saturday was spent much the same way as Friday, gathering for breakfast and snacks, chatting and playing with babies, eating more than I should have but loving every second of it. Then TJ kicked us out to set up the house for the pajama party, so a lot of us when and got our nails done. Since Roommate and I had done mani/pedis three days before, I just sat and got to know as many of these awesome women as I could.
When we got back to the house, TJ did something so revolutionary and yet so simple, I'm not sure why someone has not thought of it before. She put a bed in the living room! I know. It sounds so simple, right? And yet? REVOLUTIONARY. All of us in attendance were pretty sure it would be a moment for the history books--in about fifteen years, children will ask their mothers, "What did people DO before they had beds in their living rooms?" And their mothers will answer, "They sat on couches, dear." And the children will look at them in amazement and wonder how people ever had comfort before the Living Room Bed.
So we all piled on the bed or the near-by couches and told stories (mostly of the Awful In-Law variety). Playing in the background, to give ambiance, was Dirty Dancing. When that was over, they put on Big with Tom Hanks. TJ explained her Tom Hanks Method of weeding out bad friends, which you really should ask her about yourself (I think it's somewhere in her archives). At some point, I was able to lull a sick Penny to sleep on my shoulder. And by "lull to sleep" I mean "practically bounce into oblivion while singing a monotone song we call Yayayayayayayaya-Uh-Yayayayayaya which she sang much better than I did." After than, we fulfilled TJ's goal of staying up past 11:00 pm with other adults, something that is actually a rarity with me (I know I complain about my slight insomnia, but that is always ALONE and never fun...).
Those of us with later fligths made it back to the house on Sunday morning to grab donuts and, wait for iiiiiiiiiiit, BAGELS! And also to say good-bye before we all rushed to the airport and the END of an amazing weekend that was not nearly long enough and yet so incredibly worth it.
And now that I've realized that this is the LONGEST POST EVER, I congratulate all of you who made it this far, especially those of you who WERE THERE AND THIS IS NOT NEWS FOR YOU. I'll just take one last second to say that TJ did a spectacular job preparing for twenty women and babies, dealing with the stresses that come with hosting that many people in a small home ON A MILITARY BASE, and still being able to enjoy herself and all of us. Despite the fact that her Pop Up Toasties have me craving things that are not PointsPlus friendly, I want to thank her very much for everything and hope she considers doing this again in the future (and allowing me to attend again).
Oh, and if you want to read other people's accounts of the weekend (which are more than likely MUCH better than this one), click here.
But really? The main reason I haven't written a recap of PJs@TJ's? Because it is so hard to put into words just how much fun I had. Or, at least, few enough words (as you'll sense by the length of this post). The weekend schedule was pretty simple, as promised. We mostly sat around TJ's living room, eating good food and trying to have six conversations at once. And when I write it like that, it doesn't sound that interesting. And that is just plain NOT TRUE. Because it was AMAZING.
My weekend started out on an interesting note. I had spent the entire week previous at Roommate's house in the Bay Area (I have all kinds of plans to recap that as well, along with some fun pictures. But I'll get to that later), so Roommate dropped me off at the San Jose airport. The airport which was FILLED WITH BIRDS. I'm not a real big fan of birds... I mean, it's not like I watched Hitchcock's famous movie and suddenly had the FEAR of birds. I just don't really love them. They're kind of dirty and always seem to be watching me. Plus, the whole "poop on your head with no remorse, even though it is almost impossible that it wasn't intentional" thing. Ick. I do like to watch them from a great distance, like eagles soaring and such the like. But a half-dozen swallow-looking things racing each other through the concourse four feet above my head? Not so wild about that.
The plane ride was uneventful, except for the fact that I got an exit row (my six-foot-tall frame thanks you mightily, Southwest) with two really nice gentlemen. But then I landed in Phoenix and I will admit to a small amount of panic. I sent this text to Sister:
I got my bag and waited for Brooke, of Building a Kingston Castle, to pick me up. And I sent this text to Sister:
But then Brooke drove up and was exactly who she claimed to be on her blog and was incredibly nice and I got over my fear. We met up with a few others and descended on TJ's house. Well, if you can count "driving through gate guarded by servicemen and women who are carrying very large, very lethal-looking guns who take your driver's license away for fifteen minutes and I'm sure put you in some kind of database or search for you in other kinds of databases and then kindly, but sternly warn you about the dangers of breaking the speed limit on base" as descending on TJ's house, then yes. That is what we did.
Now, I have to tell you, there is nothing quite so wonderful as walking into a room full of people you have never met before who spontaneously yell things like, "BAGELS! I'm so glad you came!!" That was pretty incredible (thanks, Linnea!). I told them my real name, though I think that may have just confused the process. And by the way, if you want to know my real name or where I'm from, all you have to do is invite me to your home and feed me. If you let me hold your baby, you might even get to learn Sister's name...
We spent the rest of the evening getting to know each other in person. And I think one of the coolest things was realizing that everyone was exactly who they were on their blogs--their voices and speaking patterns matched what I heard in my head when I read their stuff. And now, after knowing them in person, their blogs are even more alive with their voices.
Then we went back to our hotels. By the way, the Holiday In Express in Glendale, Arizona? Pretty nice. And even though it was already late, I talked WAY too much to my awesome (and patient) roommate, Kammah, and kept her up for quite a while. She was nice about it though, which tells me she's pretty cool.
Saturday was spent much the same way as Friday, gathering for breakfast and snacks, chatting and playing with babies, eating more than I should have but loving every second of it. Then TJ kicked us out to set up the house for the pajama party, so a lot of us when and got our nails done. Since Roommate and I had done mani/pedis three days before, I just sat and got to know as many of these awesome women as I could.
When we got back to the house, TJ did something so revolutionary and yet so simple, I'm not sure why someone has not thought of it before. She put a bed in the living room! I know. It sounds so simple, right? And yet? REVOLUTIONARY. All of us in attendance were pretty sure it would be a moment for the history books--in about fifteen years, children will ask their mothers, "What did people DO before they had beds in their living rooms?" And their mothers will answer, "They sat on couches, dear." And the children will look at them in amazement and wonder how people ever had comfort before the Living Room Bed.
So we all piled on the bed or the near-by couches and told stories (mostly of the Awful In-Law variety). Playing in the background, to give ambiance, was Dirty Dancing. When that was over, they put on Big with Tom Hanks. TJ explained her Tom Hanks Method of weeding out bad friends, which you really should ask her about yourself (I think it's somewhere in her archives). At some point, I was able to lull a sick Penny to sleep on my shoulder. And by "lull to sleep" I mean "practically bounce into oblivion while singing a monotone song we call Yayayayayayayaya-Uh-Yayayayayaya which she sang much better than I did." After than, we fulfilled TJ's goal of staying up past 11:00 pm with other adults, something that is actually a rarity with me (I know I complain about my slight insomnia, but that is always ALONE and never fun...).
Those of us with later fligths made it back to the house on Sunday morning to grab donuts and, wait for iiiiiiiiiiit, BAGELS! And also to say good-bye before we all rushed to the airport and the END of an amazing weekend that was not nearly long enough and yet so incredibly worth it.
And now that I've realized that this is the LONGEST POST EVER, I congratulate all of you who made it this far, especially those of you who WERE THERE AND THIS IS NOT NEWS FOR YOU. I'll just take one last second to say that TJ did a spectacular job preparing for twenty women and babies, dealing with the stresses that come with hosting that many people in a small home ON A MILITARY BASE, and still being able to enjoy herself and all of us. Despite the fact that her Pop Up Toasties have me craving things that are not PointsPlus friendly, I want to thank her very much for everything and hope she considers doing this again in the future (and allowing me to attend again).
Oh, and if you want to read other people's accounts of the weekend (which are more than likely MUCH better than this one), click here.
2.01.2012
In Which I Brag About Traveling and Make Up Another Word
I have some fun and exciting news! As I've alluded to in various posts, I'm going to PJs@TJ's! For any of you who do not follow Temerity Jane, she's hosting a get-together and pajama party for about 18 bloggers and twitterers at her home (!) in the Phoenix area next weekend. Which I think is both awesome and incredibly brave! Not that any of us are scary or anything. Just that opening your home to 18 strangers (and some of their babies) is a big deal. I'm very grateful to have the opportunity to go to something like this and to meet these women. It's going to be AMAZING!
But wait! THERE'S MORE! Since I live in the (top secret, vaguely guessable) Far North, it's kind of expensive to travel ANYWHERE. So anytime I leave Far North and don't cross the Mississippi River, I try to lump together several West Coast visits into one trip. With that in mind, I am flying out tomorrow night for a week-long trip to see... wait for iiiiit... ROOMMATE!
I am so excited about this! And judging by the multiple, exclamation point laden texts she has sent me over the last few weeks, she's excited, too. She has all of these secret plans for us, including hiking some kind of mountain or hill or other tall earthen formation--I'm not sure... she's very secretive when she wants to be. We'll watch the Super Bowl together (which neither of us is really that into, but there will be food and friends and beer and fun, so I'm stoked) and eat at Olive Garden, which is my favorite restaurant in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. And up until a month or so ago, Far North did not have a single one. NOT ONE!
AND!? After I leave Roommate and spend what is shaping up to be the best weekend ever with the amazing ladies of PJs@TJ's, I'm grabbing a five hour layover in my old college town to see a dear friend and her family. These people and their adorable children are my surrogate family.
They took me home after Bible studies and fed me home cooked meals and let me play with their babies (none of which are babies any more, oh my word) and just generally filled in for my Far North family (both biological and church) when I couldn't go home for long stretches of time. Now that I've moved home, I see them about one every year or two (usually on layovers) and talk on the phone only slightly more frequently. But none of that matters, because the second we see or talk to one another, it's as if no time at all has passed.
So, as you all can easily imagine, the next two weeks are kind of big for me. I'm very excited, but I'm also slightly nervous. Some of it is meeting all those new people (although I already kind of know them through their blogs and tweets) and some of it is just the unexplainable anxion of traveling.
Anxion? Yes, anxion. I know it's not a word. And I totally could have used "anxiety." But this nervousness is slightly different from anxiety. Remember when I made up the word obnoxion? Because "obnoxiousness" is a mouthful and doesn't convey what I want to say? Apply the same rules to anxion. I suppose it's kind of a cross between anxiety and angst...? Who knows what I'm talking about? Lord knows I don't. Whatever.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I was talking (kind of unintentionally bragging?) about this AMAZING trip that I am going on and how I have the jitters. I'm sure it will be wonderful. I'm actually a little worried I've built it up too much. But probably not. I'm sure it's going to go really fast and before I know it, I'll be back in yoga pants on my couch, without any remaining excuse not to get a job. So, this is kind of a last hurrah before I dive into full-employment again. Or, at least, full-employment seeking. Which seems like a job in and of itself.
I must go pack. It looks like it's going to be about 60 everywhere I go, which would be awesome if I hadn't gained a bunch of weight since I (barely) fit into my summer clothes. This might be no fun at all, come to think of it... I'll let you know how it goes.
But wait! THERE'S MORE! Since I live in the (top secret, vaguely guessable) Far North, it's kind of expensive to travel ANYWHERE. So anytime I leave Far North and don't cross the Mississippi River, I try to lump together several West Coast visits into one trip. With that in mind, I am flying out tomorrow night for a week-long trip to see... wait for iiiiit... ROOMMATE!
I am so excited about this! And judging by the multiple, exclamation point laden texts she has sent me over the last few weeks, she's excited, too. She has all of these secret plans for us, including hiking some kind of mountain or hill or other tall earthen formation--I'm not sure... she's very secretive when she wants to be. We'll watch the Super Bowl together (which neither of us is really that into, but there will be food and friends and beer and fun, so I'm stoked) and eat at Olive Garden, which is my favorite restaurant in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. And up until a month or so ago, Far North did not have a single one. NOT ONE!
AND!? After I leave Roommate and spend what is shaping up to be the best weekend ever with the amazing ladies of PJs@TJ's, I'm grabbing a five hour layover in my old college town to see a dear friend and her family. These people and their adorable children are my surrogate family.
They took me home after Bible studies and fed me home cooked meals and let me play with their babies (none of which are babies any more, oh my word) and just generally filled in for my Far North family (both biological and church) when I couldn't go home for long stretches of time. Now that I've moved home, I see them about one every year or two (usually on layovers) and talk on the phone only slightly more frequently. But none of that matters, because the second we see or talk to one another, it's as if no time at all has passed.
So, as you all can easily imagine, the next two weeks are kind of big for me. I'm very excited, but I'm also slightly nervous. Some of it is meeting all those new people (although I already kind of know them through their blogs and tweets) and some of it is just the unexplainable anxion of traveling.
Anxion? Yes, anxion. I know it's not a word. And I totally could have used "anxiety." But this nervousness is slightly different from anxiety. Remember when I made up the word obnoxion? Because "obnoxiousness" is a mouthful and doesn't convey what I want to say? Apply the same rules to anxion. I suppose it's kind of a cross between anxiety and angst...? Who knows what I'm talking about? Lord knows I don't. Whatever.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I was talking (kind of unintentionally bragging?) about this AMAZING trip that I am going on and how I have the jitters. I'm sure it will be wonderful. I'm actually a little worried I've built it up too much. But probably not. I'm sure it's going to go really fast and before I know it, I'll be back in yoga pants on my couch, without any remaining excuse not to get a job. So, this is kind of a last hurrah before I dive into full-employment again. Or, at least, full-employment seeking. Which seems like a job in and of itself.
I must go pack. It looks like it's going to be about 60 everywhere I go, which would be awesome if I hadn't gained a bunch of weight since I (barely) fit into my summer clothes. This might be no fun at all, come to think of it... I'll let you know how it goes.
1.27.2012
It Is Like Being In The Desert With No Water, But More TIRED
I have developed some kind of NyQuil-dependcy-induced/unemployment-linked insomnia where I just lie in bed late at night and stare at the ceiling while I begin several amusing (To me only. Probably.) blog posts that I never actually write. One of them was a bitter diatribe aimed at one Mr. W. Wonka and his misuse of the term "everlasting" as it applies to his "gobstoppers" and linking this to many of the ways movies LIE TO US. Another one was a meandering treatise on the merits of yoga pants over traditional pajama bottoms (I know, shocking).
And this Sunday, while sick, I tossed and turned from midnight until 4:30 AM (and then again from 6:00 AM until 8:00 AM) and the more tired I got, the faster my thoughts moved. Not as in: faster thoughts = more efficient and effective thinking. More like: faster thoughts = more frenetic explanations of topics I ALREADY UNDERSTAND but have seemingly forgotten that NO ONE ELSE IS LISTENING since none of this is OUT LOUD. Or you know, coherent.
I'm not kidding. I got halfway through a stern lecture on the difference between "health insurance" and "state-paid health care" (In case you're wondering, the lecture went something like this: "Health insurance" is a tool to mitigate risk and "state-paid health care" is a benefit to citizens regardless of risk. So, no matter where you land in that particular debate, we should probably at least be using the terms correctly, ET CETERA!), before I realized that NO ONE CARES because I am the only one inside my head and I DON'T CARE I JUST WANT TO SLEEP OH MY WORD SHUT UP!
Anyway, at one point during this fugue episode, I began transcribing my thoughts as if I was going to tweet them. Which? Basically just means you think every thought twice, but the second time, you do it in 140 characters or less. It was FANTASTIC, let me tell you! Erm....
Several days for the last few weeks (the ones before I got sick), I helped Sister-In-Law paint her house. She couldn't pay em in money (no would I want her to), so she paid me in calories. TWO BAGEL TUESDAY, BABY! And I thought, after six to eight hours of manual labor (climbing ladders, lifting buckets, moving furniture, and actually painting), I would be exhausted and go right to sleep. HA! I lay in bed, unwilling to move any muscle and completely worn out. FOR HOURS AND HOURS.
This must END, people.
Okay, you know what? I wrote all of the above paragraphs yesterday evening, hoping if I blogged WHENEVER I had the inspiration, I would actually get some blogging done. I got interrupted and was going to finish it in the morning. Do you know what time "morning" came today?! DO YOU? It was NOON. Which is not morning AT ALL!
Do you know why I woke up at NOON?! Because I did. Not. Fall. Asleep. Until. Five. Fifteen. AM.
FIVE-FIFTEEN! And the only reason I fell asleep then was because I finally took a Benadryl. Was I having an allergic reaction to something? NO I WAS NOT! Unless there is such a thing as ALLERGIC TO SLEEPING. And then yes, I think I might have been.
I repeat: THIS MUST END, PEOPLE.
Any tips? Tricks? Suggestions? Sledge hammers you are willing to lend?
[This post originally shared the same title as a controversial "children's" book (which was actually intended for sleep deprived parents) begging children to please, for the love of God, BE UNCONSCIOUS. But since I don't swear on this blog, even with the vowel asterisked out, you get the lame actual title above. This is one of the rare occasions on which I wish I swore.]
And this Sunday, while sick, I tossed and turned from midnight until 4:30 AM (and then again from 6:00 AM until 8:00 AM) and the more tired I got, the faster my thoughts moved. Not as in: faster thoughts = more efficient and effective thinking. More like: faster thoughts = more frenetic explanations of topics I ALREADY UNDERSTAND but have seemingly forgotten that NO ONE ELSE IS LISTENING since none of this is OUT LOUD. Or you know, coherent.
I'm not kidding. I got halfway through a stern lecture on the difference between "health insurance" and "state-paid health care" (In case you're wondering, the lecture went something like this: "Health insurance" is a tool to mitigate risk and "state-paid health care" is a benefit to citizens regardless of risk. So, no matter where you land in that particular debate, we should probably at least be using the terms correctly, ET CETERA!), before I realized that NO ONE CARES because I am the only one inside my head and I DON'T CARE I JUST WANT TO SLEEP OH MY WORD SHUT UP!
Anyway, at one point during this fugue episode, I began transcribing my thoughts as if I was going to tweet them. Which? Basically just means you think every thought twice, but the second time, you do it in 140 characters or less. It was FANTASTIC, let me tell you! Erm....
Several days for the last few weeks (the ones before I got sick), I helped Sister-In-Law paint her house. She couldn't pay em in money (no would I want her to), so she paid me in calories. TWO BAGEL TUESDAY, BABY! And I thought, after six to eight hours of manual labor (climbing ladders, lifting buckets, moving furniture, and actually painting), I would be exhausted and go right to sleep. HA! I lay in bed, unwilling to move any muscle and completely worn out. FOR HOURS AND HOURS.
This must END, people.
Okay, you know what? I wrote all of the above paragraphs yesterday evening, hoping if I blogged WHENEVER I had the inspiration, I would actually get some blogging done. I got interrupted and was going to finish it in the morning. Do you know what time "morning" came today?! DO YOU? It was NOON. Which is not morning AT ALL!
Do you know why I woke up at NOON?! Because I did. Not. Fall. Asleep. Until. Five. Fifteen. AM.
FIVE-FIFTEEN! And the only reason I fell asleep then was because I finally took a Benadryl. Was I having an allergic reaction to something? NO I WAS NOT! Unless there is such a thing as ALLERGIC TO SLEEPING. And then yes, I think I might have been.
I repeat: THIS MUST END, PEOPLE.
Any tips? Tricks? Suggestions? Sledge hammers you are willing to lend?
[This post originally shared the same title as a controversial "children's" book (which was actually intended for sleep deprived parents) begging children to please, for the love of God, BE UNCONSCIOUS. But since I don't swear on this blog, even with the vowel asterisked out, you get the lame actual title above. This is one of the rare occasions on which I wish I swore.]
1.26.2012
Yoga Pants Will Be My Downfall (Into Poverty, At Least)
I cannot believe January is almost over. Most days, it feels like I quit my job a few days ago. But, alas. Today marks FOUR MONTHS. And I do not have another one. After all the interviews right after I quit, there has been nothing. To be honest, though? I haven't been looking that hard. I know, shame on me. But every time I look, there is nothing that I am qualified for that will pay enough. I'm not looking to live like Kanye or anything, either. I would just like to be able to pay all my bills each month and buy pizza occasionally. So I get a little bit discouraged. I keep reminding myself to trust that the right job will come along eventually, but I'm kidding myself if I think it's going to jump out of my unopened Internet browser window, through my closed laptop, and smack me in the face saying "WE WANT TO HIRE YOU!"
But that would be awesome, right?
Now that Sister is back at work, my day basically consists of a lot of TV and Sims 3, along with sleeping late, getting the SICKNESS OF DEATH AND PHLEGM, and going to doctor appointments with friends. I'm not kidding: I went to Godson's Mom's ultrasound a few weeks back and today I'm driving into the next town over with another friend to wrangle her children while she talks to the doctor about an out-patient procedure I have no idea about. It's a little strange, right? I'm fully expecting to start getting Evites to colonoscopies and tonsillectomies. Maybe there's a job in this? Professional Child Wrangler and Medical Appointment Support Technologist... Has a nice ring to it. But I bet the pay isn't much and the insurance is crap...
And speaking of insurance: I have been sick for a week. It's that upper-respiratory, post-nasal drippy kind of thing where you think you will drown every time you try to sleep. And the whole time, I'm praying that it will not develop into anything more serious because I HAVE NO MONEY. Okay, I have some money. But I'm trying to use that to eat, not pay for incredibly expensive medical care. And then I get a twinge in my ear and I think, "Don't be an ear infection, please don't be an ear infection. I cannot cure an ear infection with NyQuil and tea. Please don't be an ear infection!" And then my ear stops twinging and says, "PSYCH!" And I want to weep a little. But then I remind myself that would not make my sinuses feel better.
It doesn't help that I have been watching copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy in all of my spare time, which is also copious. So now my ear twinges and I'm like, "Please don't be an ear infection! Or a brain tumor! Please don't be a brain tumor. Although, if Dr. Derek Shepherd were my brain surgeon... No, not even that is worth a brain tumor. Please don't be a brain tumor. Or an ear infection..." When my throat was all swollen last week, I thought cancer or some kind of infectious, auto-immune thing, not "common cold." (I was also watching a lot of House that week...) I should probably just turn off the TV and go get a job. But I really like my yoga pants.
Anyway, at this point, I am almost over it. I'm not achy or exhausted anymore. In fact, yesterday, I did two loads of laundry and most of the dishes. I'm like a SUPERHERO or something, right? (Yeah, no...) But I've still got that feeling of having Silly Putty hanging down the back of my throat that is involved in some kind of Whack-A-Mole challenge with my windpipe. Too much information? Sorry. I get honest when I'm sick.
ANYWAY! I'm not sure why I'm telling you all the gruesome details of my sickness. I know it's not very entertaining. Unless you're the kind of person who enjoys laughing at other people's pain. And then I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Which leaves me in a strange conundrum of my own making, I guess.
But the thing is? I'm going to PJs@TJ's in two weeks. And we are all trying to get to know one another through blogs and twitter before we all arrive. And as soon as I decided to go, I promptly stopped blogging, reading blogs, or checking twitter. Because that's logical. So I'm trying to get back in the pattern so they don't accuse me of FAKING being a blogger just to get invited to TJ's house. I am a blogger, I PROMISE! I just kind of suck at it. Also, anyone reading this who is also going to PJs@TJ's, could you please forget that I just gave way too many details about my bodily functions and just appreciate the fact that I'm blogging? Pretty please? Thanks.
But that would be awesome, right?
Now that Sister is back at work, my day basically consists of a lot of TV and Sims 3, along with sleeping late, getting the SICKNESS OF DEATH AND PHLEGM, and going to doctor appointments with friends. I'm not kidding: I went to Godson's Mom's ultrasound a few weeks back and today I'm driving into the next town over with another friend to wrangle her children while she talks to the doctor about an out-patient procedure I have no idea about. It's a little strange, right? I'm fully expecting to start getting Evites to colonoscopies and tonsillectomies. Maybe there's a job in this? Professional Child Wrangler and Medical Appointment Support Technologist... Has a nice ring to it. But I bet the pay isn't much and the insurance is crap...
And speaking of insurance: I have been sick for a week. It's that upper-respiratory, post-nasal drippy kind of thing where you think you will drown every time you try to sleep. And the whole time, I'm praying that it will not develop into anything more serious because I HAVE NO MONEY. Okay, I have some money. But I'm trying to use that to eat, not pay for incredibly expensive medical care. And then I get a twinge in my ear and I think, "Don't be an ear infection, please don't be an ear infection. I cannot cure an ear infection with NyQuil and tea. Please don't be an ear infection!" And then my ear stops twinging and says, "PSYCH!" And I want to weep a little. But then I remind myself that would not make my sinuses feel better.
It doesn't help that I have been watching copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy in all of my spare time, which is also copious. So now my ear twinges and I'm like, "Please don't be an ear infection! Or a brain tumor! Please don't be a brain tumor. Although, if Dr. Derek Shepherd were my brain surgeon... No, not even that is worth a brain tumor. Please don't be a brain tumor. Or an ear infection..." When my throat was all swollen last week, I thought cancer or some kind of infectious, auto-immune thing, not "common cold." (I was also watching a lot of House that week...) I should probably just turn off the TV and go get a job. But I really like my yoga pants.
Anyway, at this point, I am almost over it. I'm not achy or exhausted anymore. In fact, yesterday, I did two loads of laundry and most of the dishes. I'm like a SUPERHERO or something, right? (Yeah, no...) But I've still got that feeling of having Silly Putty hanging down the back of my throat that is involved in some kind of Whack-A-Mole challenge with my windpipe. Too much information? Sorry. I get honest when I'm sick.
ANYWAY! I'm not sure why I'm telling you all the gruesome details of my sickness. I know it's not very entertaining. Unless you're the kind of person who enjoys laughing at other people's pain. And then I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Which leaves me in a strange conundrum of my own making, I guess.
But the thing is? I'm going to PJs@TJ's in two weeks. And we are all trying to get to know one another through blogs and twitter before we all arrive. And as soon as I decided to go, I promptly stopped blogging, reading blogs, or checking twitter. Because that's logical. So I'm trying to get back in the pattern so they don't accuse me of FAKING being a blogger just to get invited to TJ's house. I am a blogger, I PROMISE! I just kind of suck at it. Also, anyone reading this who is also going to PJs@TJ's, could you please forget that I just gave way too many details about my bodily functions and just appreciate the fact that I'm blogging? Pretty please? Thanks.
1.04.2012
Enough About Me. How Are YOU?
Have I said lately how much I love my readers? Well, since I haven't been saying much of anything for a while now, I guess not. So here goes, YOU GUYS ROCK! The comments you left me on my last post made me smile all day long. And it made me realize that, although I totally needed to write that post, if only for therapeutic reasons, I was being pretty negative and very self-focused.
SO! To remedy that, today I want to hear about you!
1. How did YOUR year go? You can do the list thing that I did, summarize each month, or even just used a general "It went badly!" or "IT WAS THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!" But I want to know how you feel about 2011,the Year of Ugliness and Pain the Year of "Character Building" Moments.
2. Do you do resolutions?
a. If so, what are a few of yours? Are you good at keeping them?
b. If not, do you do something else like set goals or make wishes or just hold on tight and hope for the best/expect the worst?
3. What do you hope for in the next year? Even if you're not a resolutions kind of person, you probably have expectations for the next 360 days (give or take a few, since I can't be bothered to look at today's date or check to see if it's some kind of leap year, which has always seemed like a slightly ridiculous concept to me and by ridiculous, I mean I don;t really get it...), so what are your EXPECTATIONS?
4. What do you already have planned? Are you going on a big trip or expecting a child? Planning a wedding or about to undertake a big move? Aside from the"expectations," what do you ALREADY know about this elusive beast, the Year of 2012?
Basically, I just want to know more about you. And I want to know how everyone else felt about 2011, may itdie a fiery death be a jumping off point for many good years to come. Plus, I'd like to be a little bit less self-involved. Because I could medal in navel-gazing if it were an Olympic event. And by navel-gazing, I mean being self-centered. Because I find little pleasure in gazing at my ACTUAL navel, which is surrounded by more flab than I care to admit and has never been a gaze-worthy navel. Wait. What am I typing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I try to blog while tweeting AND texting with two different people. Forget everything after "self-involved," okay? Thanks.
SO! To remedy that, today I want to hear about you!
1. How did YOUR year go? You can do the list thing that I did, summarize each month, or even just used a general "It went badly!" or "IT WAS THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!" But I want to know how you feel about 2011,
2. Do you do resolutions?
a. If so, what are a few of yours? Are you good at keeping them?
b. If not, do you do something else like set goals or make wishes or just hold on tight and hope for the best/expect the worst?
3. What do you hope for in the next year? Even if you're not a resolutions kind of person, you probably have expectations for the next 360 days (give or take a few, since I can't be bothered to look at today's date or check to see if it's some kind of leap year, which has always seemed like a slightly ridiculous concept to me and by ridiculous, I mean I don;t really get it...), so what are your EXPECTATIONS?
4. What do you already have planned? Are you going on a big trip or expecting a child? Planning a wedding or about to undertake a big move? Aside from the"expectations," what do you ALREADY know about this elusive beast, the Year of 2012?
Basically, I just want to know more about you. And I want to know how everyone else felt about 2011, may it
1.02.2012
I Can't Do Resoultions, So I'm Asking Jesus for the Things I Need
I've never been much for New Year's Resolutions. Partly because it was never a THING in our family and in my general social group--we just didn't do it. And partly because I have absolutely NO FOLLOW-THROUGH (see the month of December on this blog). So I don't make resolutions and I don't keep them. So, you know. That makes January 1st really hassle-free. And also kind of a let-down.
This year, however, I was smacked in the face by the appearance of 2012. I mean it. Sister and I were sitting at our front windows watching the neighbors shoot off fireworks (it was nice: we got to see a beautiful show without spending any money or putting on pants). They started at about 10:00 pm and then took a break. We went back to our TV show and a while later, we heard more cracks and pops and rushed to the window to see the next act.
Sister asked, "Is it midnight already?"
I looked at the clock and it was 12:04, so I said, "Happy 2012!"
And she replied, "May it be so much better than 2011!"
We made jokes about having jobs and also having jobs that DIDN'T suck in 2012. And then one of us made the Friends quote about "NO DIVORCES IN 99!"
And then all of the sudden, I wanted to weep. Because 2011 sucked in a big way. It had some really great moments and cannot beat 2010 for the emotional scarring I went through. But 2011 still really bit it. Here are just a few examples:
As you can see, 2011 had its ups and downs, with a lot of BIG downs. Most of these things were unexpected and many of them were unwelcome. I know this sounds like I'm focusing on all the negative and I AM grateful for all of the blessings I have received over the year, including the ability to quit my job and survive financially for several months. This was just a pretty rough year, not just for me, but for many of the people closest to me. And I can't help but think that any resolution I would have made would not have been accomplished in 2011.
So as 2012 breaks over the horizon, I will not make resolutions. But I will whisper a small prayer:
Lord, please bless my family and keep them safe. Let us not lose anyone this year, but let us add to our number, even many times over. Place good men and women in authority over us, that we may be fulfilled by our daily work and earn enough money to keep us well-fed, well-housed, and able to give to others. Grant us health and fitness, that our bodies would be better able to serve You and bring You glory. Let us not wander away from You, that when difficulty comes, we may lean on You for strength and guidance. We praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and we know that Your plans for us are for good, for hope, and for a future. So, Lord, please let 2012 be a year of hope and goodness.
This year, however, I was smacked in the face by the appearance of 2012. I mean it. Sister and I were sitting at our front windows watching the neighbors shoot off fireworks (it was nice: we got to see a beautiful show without spending any money or putting on pants). They started at about 10:00 pm and then took a break. We went back to our TV show and a while later, we heard more cracks and pops and rushed to the window to see the next act.
Sister asked, "Is it midnight already?"
I looked at the clock and it was 12:04, so I said, "Happy 2012!"
And she replied, "May it be so much better than 2011!"
We made jokes about having jobs and also having jobs that DIDN'T suck in 2012. And then one of us made the Friends quote about "NO DIVORCES IN 99!"
And then all of the sudden, I wanted to weep. Because 2011 sucked in a big way. It had some really great moments and cannot beat 2010 for the emotional scarring I went through. But 2011 still really bit it. Here are just a few examples:
- I moved (temporarily) to an island town that I hate, for a job that was both amazingly fulfilling and also soul-sucking.
- My beautiful niece fell off her changing table and hit the back of her head and neck on the near-by bed frame, leaving all of us in a panic about concussions and brain injuries and her life never being the same again. She recovered well and by her first birthday only a few weeks later, it seemed as if it had never happened (thankyouthankyouthankyou, Jesus!), except for the terrified memories her parents still hold and the chest tightening the rest of us experience when it's mentioned.
- After years of searching, our church hired a new Youth and Family Pastor and Brother, Sister-In-Law, Sister, and I were incredibly relieved to have the burden of Youth Group on a paid staff person's shoulders and that we could return to being ONLY volunteers. Less than a month after hiring said pastor, our church had to fire him. And even though it was for perfectly legitimate reasons and none of us wanted him to stay, Youth Group got difficult again.
- Sister got fired for reasons we still do not understand.
- Brother and Sister-In-Law went to California for a month, so that Brother could have a fourth sinus surgery, since the three others (two within the last four months) had not solved the excruciating headaches and vision changes. This surgery did not entirely solve the problem either, but he's doing okay.
- My grandmother, my beloved Nana, was admitted to the hospital for internal organ failure and sepsis after a too-long-undiscovered bowel perforation, where she stayed (gravitating between fighting and getting stronger to being completely uncommunicative and needing three of her major body systems controlled by machines and medicines and back again) for over 6 weeks before her body gave up and she went to be with Jesus.
- I returned home from my relocation and stayed with the job, even though my pay had been cut significantly without my knowledge and without explanation and even though my coworker sabotaged me at every step and I was bored out of my mind.
- My best friend asked me if I would be willing to be Godmother to her son and to any future children she and her husband may have (one of which is due to make his or her appearance in August 2012). This is the highest honor anyone has ever given to me and also one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced. I pray that my role of Godmother will only ever be figurative and that my relationship with him remain Auntie Elise. Not because I would hesitate to take him if anything ever happened to her and her husband, but because I pray NOTHING ever happens to her and her husband.
- I started this blog, which has been a constant source of joy (and an occasional source of guilt...) in my life and is one of the highlights of my year. I joined Twitter soon after and found that my job was more bearable because of all of the strangers willing to stab my boss for me if I ever needed it.
- Every job that Sister applied for disappeared without explanation--not that other people got them, but that the jobs/positions CEASED TO EXIST for various strange reasons.
- Roommate visited Far North for the first (and maybe last? I hope not) time and we had a WONDERFUL ten days together. I constantly miss her, but it is much easier to deal with if I have seen her in the last six months--we've recently passed this threshold and I am planning a visit to her place in February, as long as I can find some money.
- I bought an AWESOME PURPLE COUCH!
- Things became more strained at work and I experienced several ethical dilemmas before coming to the conclusion that I needed to quit and distance myself from the emotional devastation and the bad behavior of my boss and coworker that might damage my future career prospects.
- I realized I have put on ALMOST ALL of the weight I had lost at the end of college, meaning most of my clothing do not fit and I have hit the lowest self-esteem point in years.
- I developed a belated case of SNOW ANXIETY that I continue to battle with.
- Biggest Brother struggled to finish his PhD in a series of frustrating circumstances, heaped on top of years of frustrating circumstances. His wife and daughter had to move across the country without him for several weeks because of these frustrating circumstances.
- Things got worse at work AFTER I quit and the problems followed me into the next month and are things I really wished I could blog about but are secret, so I ended up writing an angry and vague post entitled CAPSLOCKTRAINWRECK.
- Biggest Brother finished his PhD! Now he and his wife and daughter have settled into their new home across the country and--
- BABY NUMBER TWO IS ON ITS WAY!
- Oh, and?
- SISTER GOT A JOB!!! Today is her first day.
As you can see, 2011 had its ups and downs, with a lot of BIG downs. Most of these things were unexpected and many of them were unwelcome. I know this sounds like I'm focusing on all the negative and I AM grateful for all of the blessings I have received over the year, including the ability to quit my job and survive financially for several months. This was just a pretty rough year, not just for me, but for many of the people closest to me. And I can't help but think that any resolution I would have made would not have been accomplished in 2011.
So as 2012 breaks over the horizon, I will not make resolutions. But I will whisper a small prayer:
Lord, please bless my family and keep them safe. Let us not lose anyone this year, but let us add to our number, even many times over. Place good men and women in authority over us, that we may be fulfilled by our daily work and earn enough money to keep us well-fed, well-housed, and able to give to others. Grant us health and fitness, that our bodies would be better able to serve You and bring You glory. Let us not wander away from You, that when difficulty comes, we may lean on You for strength and guidance. We praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and we know that Your plans for us are for good, for hope, and for a future. So, Lord, please let 2012 be a year of hope and goodness.
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